Saturday, December 17, 2011

How to be without.

Want me to be honest? 
I'm not sure I think Love is for me. 
Weird for a romantic to say. But it's true. 
But of course, I don't think anything is for me lately. 
Nothing but those lights. 

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

How to spend $30 on a handcuff necklace





Let me tell you about my 30 dollar handcuff necklace. 
It started when I was in 8th grade, when I became obsessed with the idea of getting a handcuff keychain that I saw in the mall in one of those stupid 25 cent machines. I used at very least, 3ish bucks at that machine trying to get the handcuffs, until one day that machine was filled with sticky toys instead of the guns and handcuffs. I got a lot of cool gun keychains from that one though. 
So my hunts for these handcuffs began. There were some in Taco Time, I spent a few bucks there, with no luck. 
One day, our video stores all closed. This was a sad day. No Great American Video. No Hollywood Video. It was depressing. And we wanted to rent a movie. So I packed in to the car with a few friends and we went to Video Stop. A little video store that smells like Pot. It was gross and I missed Hollywood Video. 
Well, we walked in and we were looking around and I noticed some coin machines, one of which had handcuff in it!!!! So I pulled my friend over and made him give me all his change and spent about 5 bucks trying to get them. Stupid 50 cent machine. Taking all of my money. I ended up with some dumb "Bling" and no handcuffs. Well, for about 3 years after, we returned to that video store ALL the time, and every time I remembered, I would use my change and try for my handcuffs. Within the past 3 months, maybe a little more, we have gone at very least once a week and each time, i'd put at least 50 cents in, if not more. Sometimes it was a few dollars. And of course, I ended up with about a thousand stupid rings that fall apart all the time and some dumb necklaces with skulls on them.
I was getting close to giving up, it looked like I was never going to get them. I was pretty convinced there was only ONE that had the handcuffs in it and it was that one at the top that I could see, which would take at least 50 dollars to get to. Every time, I would put some money in, twist the knob thingy, and pray, and then get shot down. How disappointing. I'd leave a little sad, with more stupid jewelry to put in my bag for my friends daughter next time they come to town. SO MUCH STUPID JEWELRY.
And no handcuffs for Maren. 
The other night, however, we went to get a movie and I remembered I had about 3 dollars in change in my pocket, so while my friends were checking out IT, I was wasting my money. 
Every time I twisted it and another stupid ring came out, I was alittle more disappointed. 
I wanted them so bad. 7 years. I have had this weird need for small handcuffs for about 7 years now. Weird. I'm super old.
Anyway, 7 years! 
So, I'm about to give up, and then I realize I had one more quarter in my pocket. And so I felt in my other pocket and found another. So I put them in and get ready to find another stupid ring, but instead, MY HANDCUFFS FELL OUT!! I was more than overjoyed. It was probably the happiest moment of my life.
The point is, that all the time, every time I had a chance, just some change in my pocket, I would try to get what I wanted. 
For so long, that's all I wanted. 
And I tried. I spent so much money. That's 30 dollars I totally could have used that for something else but I didn't. I spent it on these dumb handcuffs that I wanted and couldn't seem to get. And even though I was so disappointed every time I tried and failed, ending up without my handcuffs, I still tried. Knowing that the chances were against me. But Finally it happened, and I got those stupid handcuffs and I was so happy. I described it as the happiest I've ever been, which really was obviously NOT true. But it was the greatest moment, even if it was only for a moment.
And I feel like life is like that, a dang lot of the time. We put so much of what we have in to what we want. And we end up with a lot of stupid rings. Let's say relationships, cuz that's really all I actually know about. Anyway, We put little bits and pieces of what we are in to a relationship, hoping for it to be the "one" that will be perfect and the one you have always wanted. And you have this split moment of super excited, yay this is really gonna work out feelings, and then you realize that what you really ended up with is something that you totally don't need, is a little broken, and is just dumb. 
But for some reason you keep trying. Even though you know the odds are against you, you try anyway. Hoping that this time... This time it will be it. This time the handcuffs will come out (haha, that sounded extremely sexual.) But you Try. And Try. And TRYYY. 
And you start to give up hope, just kinda doing it for the habit now. And then, right when you're about to give up, life gives you a little bit more of yourself to give out, and that will be it. 
You'll turn the knob on the 50 cent machine called life and there it is. The exact thing you've been waiting for. And although it's really only meant to be 50 cents, it cost you 30 dollars, give or take a few.
And you love it enough for it to be worth that 30 dollars. Sometimes even a little more than that. Because for a brief moment, you know that everything you've ever wanted in life is exactly in place. it fell in to your  hands and you want to cry because it's so perfect. And now you don't have to give little bits and pieces of yourself away anymore. 
I know this is ridiculous to learn from these stupid handcuffs. But it felt like what I was supposed to learn. 
They weren't exactly what I expected, you know. I actually wanted a key chain. I thought it was a key chain in there. That's what I expected and wanted. But it came out as a necklace. Which for a moment was disappointing. Until I realized this way, I can wear it all the time. it's not on my keys, its on me. And even though it wasn't exactly what I was expecting or wanting, it was exactly perfect for me.
So that's what I learned from my ridiculous little, long, experience with some handcuffs and a lot of quarters. Sometimes you gotta wait forever and try and try and try and hope that it happens, even when you know there's a high chance it won't. Sometimes you gotta spend way too much of yourself to get what you want. Sometimes you'll end up with a lot of stupid rings that fall apart all the freaking time before you get the handcuffs. But the handcuffs will come. And it will be more than just perfect. It will be the happiest moment of your life, if only for a fleeting second. 

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

How to..............

Temple trip? 
Not the best. 
Far from the best. 
I just want to feel the spirit. That's all. 
"So I pray to him. Stay with me. Stay with me."

How to feel stuck.

I know I should be asleep. But it's finals week and I don't think I'd be a college student if I actually went to bed on time so I decided to stay up even though I've finished my final of the night. 
I should be revising my creative writing poem and nonfiction story. I should be studying for Spanish. I should be filling out my Psych review sheet. Or working on the paper. Or washing my clothes. Or doing ANYTHING but this. 
But of course, here I am. 
I used to write every day. 
Sometimes twice a day. 
I used to have things to say. 
What happened to it all? Why is it that I now only write about 4 times in a month? When did I lose that depth? When did I stop having things I felt needed to be said? When did I decide being quiet was a good option? 
I miss that part of me. 
I miss the part of me that was so happy. I miss the part of me that was so sad. 
I don't like this in-between Maren. She's too indecisive. She doesn't know if she's happy or sad or what. It's rather annoying. I want her to make up her mind and be either all sad or all happy. Non of this bittersweet feeling anymore. Because this feeling provides no solace in writing. So it stares at blank pages and dreams of words covering them and people commenting on them. Like these blank pages used to be. So full of life. 
I wonder what I'm doing here. And why I'm not there. And if I'm in the wrong place entirely. 
Maybe Pocatello, ID isn't right for me. Maybe BYU I is. Or Utah State. Or... you know, anywhere else. 
I'm feeling rather stuck.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

How to let go of sadness.

I sometimes just wanna throw my sadness up in the air and scream I'm done and just be happy. Shouldn't it be that easy? I like to think so. But apparently it's not. 
BUT what if it is? 
What if all it takes is throwing your sadness up in the air and screaming "Screw that!" and then simply... being happy?
What if all it takes is simply letting go of the things that make you sad? 
Or simply... stop wanting to be sad? 
Isn't that a strange concept? Actually wanting to be sad? 
I don't think we do it on purpose. I don't think we wake up and think "I'm gonna be sad today! Eff yeah!" 
I don't think it works like that. We don't plan it. 
But I think... maybe we like the attention. Or the sympathy. Or being different. Thinking that no one else in the world feels like you. Or maybe feeling like now you're part of this cool sad group. All joined together in your sadness. We like the feeling of unity. 
Or rather, maybe sadness is all we know so we get comfortable in it and don't want to give it up and try something new because what if you fail? What if you ruin it all and then suddenly, you're sad AND you know you never have a chance of being happy? 
That feels more likely to me. 
We are scared that happiness doesn't fit us. And we know sadness does. So we stay sad. 
So why not just let that fear go and just be happy? It can't be any harder than being sad. Actually, it's probably easier because when you're happy getting out of bed is easy. And going to class is easy. And laughing is easy. And making other people happy is easy. And in turn, being happy yourself is easy.
It's gotta be so much easier than sadness. So why don't we try it? 
I want to be able to say I threw my sadness up in the air and now I'm happy. But I'm scared of doing that. Hypocritcal of me, right? 
I'm scared that if I'm not sad, then I was never hurt. And it never really meant anything.
That I was just being dramatic these last few months. 
And I'm scared that if I let it go and I am happy, no one will know me anymore and then they won't love me. 
And so I don't know how to throw my sadness up in the air and scream "Screw you" to it while letting happiness overtake me. I have no idea how to do that because I'm too scared of the concept. 
But maybe I shouldn't be. 
God is on my side, isn't he? Doesn't he love me more than I could ever imagine? 
Doesn't that mean he doesn't want me to be sad? But rather, the happiest I could ever be? 
I think so. 
So maybe it is time I do it. 
Maybe it's time I let him go and let the sadness go and I learn that happiness has a place for me. 
I wish it was easier. But the best things in life are never exactly easy. 
Maybe it's time for YOU to do it as well.
I mean, you're reading this, aren't you? Some of you may be reading it purely because you love me and support me. But there are so many people that find my blog every day because they are searching google for the title. One of the reasons I put this in how to form is to make it easy for those people to find it. And if that's what got you here, it means you are reading this because you need it. 
So let go of it. Throw it up in the air and scream at it. 
And when it starts to fall back to the earth, don't catch it. 
Let it shatter. Stare at the broken pieces. And laugh. Because it's not a part of you anymore. You beat it. 


I dream about being happy all the time now. 
I wake up and feel so empty because of it. 
But do I need to feel empty? 
Or should I feel hopeful? 
I'm gonna go with hopeful. 
Because, me? Well, I'm just tired of being sad.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

How to not give up.

"Lord, do you love me? Lord, are you there? Heavenly father, why aren't you talking to me? What happened? What did I do wrong? Are you real? Lord, do you love me?" 
I feel like this is a very common prayer at night for me now. It never stops. I think I'm having a good day and then I start driving home and I return to the broken state that I'm actually in. Repeating "Lord, do you love me?" 
I started driving up Summit drive a few months ago. I started doing it just because I didn't feel ready to go home. I think this was about the same time that I started praying in my car. I started praying  because my heart was broken. And I needed someone to listen, but no one really wants to, now do they? And I hoped that somewhere out there, there was a God listening to me. And for the first time in months, someone would be listening to me. Actually listening. 
So I prayed. And I drove up that hill. And I drove around church buildings. And I'd occasionally glance out and look at the lights of the city. Never looking for too long. Just kinda noticing. And just praying. And for a while, I felt like I was getting somewhere. Like someone was listening. And I felt good about this. I felt good about everything I was saying and I knew He was listening and I knew that somewhere out there, My Savior was listening to me and loving me.
As time went on, I started to notice the lights of the city more. I'd drive up Summit and on my way down, I'd go slow. Barely moving, I would make my way down the hill while looking at the lights. it's so beautiful. 
But as more time went on, I stopped feeling like He was listening at all. And I stopped feeling like he loved me at all. And I stopped feeling like He was even real. 
Don't tell anyone. I don't need their testimonies. I don't need their glares. I don't need their sympathy. 
But I do need their prayers. 
How funny, that even rhymed. 
So for the last 2 months, I've been going up there. Every night, I cry. 
Without fail, I pray. 
Whether I feel like He is real that day or not. I pray. 
Because I want  him to be. More than anything in the entire world. 
I want someone to be listening to me. 
It started when I stopped believing He loved me. 
Because if He loved me, why would I feel like this? And wasn't He taking it away? And why wasn't He here? 
All these people would stand up in testimony meeting and have these beautiful testimonies. And it felt like he was too busy with all of them to focus at all on me. He didn't care about me enough. He pushed me to the back corner and told me to wait while He took care of my friends. While I was dying a little every day. 
I was the closest I've ever been to hurting myself.
And He wasn't there. 
My Savior wasn't there. 
And I was praying to him. It wasn't like I wasn't trying. It wasn't like I wasn't praying every night to Him. It wasn't like I wasn't going to church every Sunday. Or reading my scriptures. 
He simply wasn't there. He simply didn't love me. 
And it made sense. 
So I told myself it over and over again while I prayed to Him. 
Begging Him to love me, I convinced myself that He didn't. 
Asking Him where he had gone, I convinced myself He had left. 
And then I began to wonder where He went. Or if He was real at all. 
Because He's supposed to be there with me. He's supposed to love me. He's suppose to talk to me. He died for me. I shouldn't have to feel this. He died so I wouldn't have to, didn't He? So why did I feel it still? Why wasn't his atonement working? 
And my world shattered as I began to accept the reality that there is actually a chance that He isn't real.
But I realized something today. 
I will never give up. 
Because too many times before, He has been there. 
And I know one day, I will die and the veil will be lifted and I will see that He was next to me. 
That He was holding my hand while I drove all those nights. That He was stroking my hair while I cried in bed. That He was carrying me to class those days when I wanted to give up. 
And as hard as it gets, He is there. 
He is real. 
He is my Savior. 
And He did die for me. 
And He does have a plan.
And He does love me. 
And I love Him with all my heart. 
So I will not give up. 

Sunday, November 27, 2011

How to love perfectly.

Have you ever fallen in love?
Like, not stupid 2 week relationship and I'm so in love with him crap.
I mean truly deeply in love.
Where you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face and you see yourself marrying him (or her) and you just know that with all your heart, they are it. Or even when you wake up in the morning still crying from whatever is bothering you but you still know they are it. You're in love. Nothing else matters.
Now really, have you ever fallen in love?
I used to think love meant life was perfect.
Like, I'm in love so now life can go perfectly and I'll be a cute housewife and have the most amazing children with the guy I love and nothing will ever go wrong.
Until I actually loved. 
I began to realize that I can sit here and love someone with my entire heart, but that doesn't make life perfect. That doesn't make me magically happy. 
See, love doesn't fix things. 
On the contrary, it can make things a lot more difficult. 
Because suddenly you love another person. Suddenly you care about everything that happens to them. Suddenly you aren't just taking care of yourself, you're responsible, or at least you feel responsible, for another person. 
We don't love perfect people. Perfect people don't exist. 
We love flawed people. People who will hurt us. People who are broken. People with colorful pasts. People with hidden secrets. People with mental illnesses. People who are just like you. 
I think, sometimes we get so caught up in finding the perfect person that we forget that once we find them, they have flaws. And then we get disappointed and they get disappointed and it's messy and people get their feelings hurt. 
But, you know, we work through that. Because we love them. 
One day I woke up, and love was gone. 
Love was no longer tapping at my window, waking me up for another beautiful day. 
And for a long time, I was mad and sad and angry and helpless and... a bunch of other negative words. 
I was in love. It was supposed to work. I was supposed to be getting married and being a cute little housewife with cute little children and a cute little home. And I couldn't understand why love left me. 
But over months and months of crying and praying and over analyzing everything, I figured some things out. 
Loving someone doesn't make them stay. 
Loving someone doesn't make you stay either. 
I think we like the idea of the person being the perfect person for you. 
I mean, what can be better than finding that one person who just... gets you? That person that laughs with you and makes you laugh and holds you when you're upset and loves you more than anything and says all the right things... 
And maybe they are the perfect person for you. 
But maybe they are just the perfect person for you at that time. 
I've loved lots of people through my life. Friends, boyfriends, family. But they aren't all here anymore. 
I have had some amazing best friends that I thought would never leave, but they aren't here anymore. 
I needed them more than anything at the time. They were the perfect best friends for me. But they left. And now I have the perfect best friends for me for this time. 
I guess, my point is that love comes and goes. 
We will lose people we love. 
And it will hurt. 
But it's not the end. 
There is someone else who will be perfect for you at a different time. 
And when they come along, see their flaws, love them, accept them. And accept and love that life will not be perfect with them.  
But that doesn't mean you can't love them perfectly. 

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thank you, Thank you.

I stare out at the lights. 
Breathe in. Breathe out. Ease on the breaks. Roll down the hill slowly. 
I stare out at the lights.
As if they were made for me, I pray. "Thank you, thank you." 
As if they are mine. As if my soul belongs to them. As if the entire world was created around this moment. 
I stare out at the lights. 
Breathe in. Breathe out. "Thank you, thank you." 

Saturday, November 19, 2011

How to look forward.

I've been thinking about the past. Which, you know, isn't weird for me. 
I write about it all the time, and recently I've started to notice how much I talk about it. 
See, I started using 750 words. Which is, basically, a website based on just writing 750 words a day about anything at all, every day. Which is why this blog has been lacking. I've been busy on tumblr and with friends and with school and with 750 words. But anyway, back to the point, it keeps stats on what your posts are about. It's totally private but it looks for key words and such to tell you what your mood of your writing was that day and everything. It's super interesting and eye opening. And I found that I talk about the past a lot more than I realized. 
And it's been bothering me. 
Actually, a LOT of things have been bothering me lately. 
But mostly this. 
Because I want to move on. Why haven't I moved on? Why does it seem to come up in every conversation? 
I was walking out of creative writing yesterday after a discussion on what to do when we get stuck in our writing when I got a song stuck in my head from A Very Potter Sequel. 
"There is literally NO way we can move forward from this point." 
"But if we can't move forward, why shouldn't we move back?"
So this song is stuck in my head. And I was thinking about how with writing, when we get super stuck, it's sometimes because something in our story has gone totally wrong and part of us knows that we need to fix that because the story can't move forward from that point. 
And THEN I realized that's exactly what I've been doing. 
Part of me (and by part I mean most) feels like I can't move forward from this point. 
And I feel comfortable going back and looking at the past all the time. 
There's all these little things that I would go back and correct if I could, just to make my story flow better now. 
But that's where life gets different than writing. We aren't granted that option to go back and fix those minor details that could change everything. 
And this is the moment where you have to realize that your past is here to stay. 
Maybe you really will talk about it all the time. But I don't think that means you are holding yourself back. I think it means that you recognize that it's a huge part of you. And that there are still lessons to be learned from them. And that you already have learned so much from them, things you probably need to share with someone at some point. 
We need each other so bad. 
We need each other's pasts. 
Stop trying to fix your imperfect past. And stop pretending that it never existed. 
Because only from the past can we learn about the future. 

Sunday, November 13, 2011

How to live happily ever after.

Once upon a time, 
There was a girl who fell so madly, deeply in love that nothing else seemed to matter. 
She got a nice little job and was working on an education in words. She started to plan her future around this little life she had started fresh out of high school. 
She was going to read 200 books and then get married in the Idaho Falls Temple. Then she would work on her first novel for 2 years and once its published, she would have her first child. She would name him Zelph. She thought maybe moving to Idaho Falls one day would be a good idea too, she liked the idea of being close to family. She would raise her cute little family and bring a few more children in to the world and they'd be happy. 
She would visit the temple weekly and live in the most adorable neighborhood with her friends.
Her book would be a best seller and they would get loads of money but so much of it would go to service that they would continue working anyway. Her husband was going to be a fabulous worker. 
She was going to love him with all her heart. 
As years go by, she would write another book from the experiences she has gained. And this book would be an even greater success. She would change the world with this book. And if not the world, at least a few people. And it would be so great. She would live happily and comfortably. 
And then she would grow old with her husband. And then die happy surrounded by family. 
It was a nice little plan. 
She grew fond of it and found herself altering little bits and pieces of it while she was working. Smiling while she thought of her future. 
Then things started to fall apart. Just a little bit at a time. 
She got sad. 
Her dreams lost their appeal. 
Or maybe they never lost their appeal really, she just had fallen down on the path and didn't feel like getting back up to walk to them. 
And then her love failed her. 
She couldn't love enough. Or, maybe it was never that it wasn't enough, but that the quality was lacking. 
So her plan fell apart. 
After a few months of being a depressed and quiet and quite frankly miserable to be around, she started to figure things out again. Plan things with other people. Plan things with herself. 
She decided then to be so famous that she would buy everyone at work a swimming pool. She would adopt some African children and give them a good life. and then in a few years, she would buy a husband from Russia. 
It was a nice little plan. 
And she got happy again. 
She started to realize that although she may never fall out of love with someone, she could live a life without them. No one was stopping her. She could be happy. 
There were hard days, no doubt. 
Some days she would wake up and realize how hard it was to breathe. Some days she would lay in bed and stare at the black ceiling and feel 100% alone. Some days she would drive home and beg for God to hear her just once, finally.
But some days were so beautiful that she couldn't even believe it. 
Some days she would spend hours in a parking lot talking to a friend. Some days she would spend time watching movies and making inside jokes with friends. Some days she would write something her teacher would tell her is amazing. 
Some days, alot of days, she realized life goes on perfectly. 
And some days she realized God hears prayers and, on his own time, fixes everything. 
And some days she realized that this is how life is always going to be. And it's always going to end up okay. 
So she now plans on studying abroad and meeting a spanish guy that looks like Antonio Banderas and having cute spanish children. And writing a book that will change everything. And living her life 100% finally. 
And realizing, every single day, that it's going to be okay. 
Life is going to be okay.
And she lives happily ever after.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

How to be happy (Nyquil Edition)

I took a trip down memory lane tonight. 
I think it was the Nyquil. 
It reminded me of bus trips. And broken sun glasses. And biting things. And porn that smells like home depot. And that boy. 
Which led to me remembering April 15th. 
Which led to me remembering The Format. Which reminded me of sitting on my bed playing Sims 2 all day all summer. Which reminded me of what it was like to not have a job. Which reminded me of why I got the job I have now. Which reminded me of another boy. 
Which led me to remember.... 
A lot of things. 
Which led me to remember February 5th. And sitting in the institute building. And wanting to kiss that beautiful man. Which reminded me of my friends. 
Which took me back to Just Dance 2. And Butterburrs. And British penises. And Scream. Which reminded me of another boy. 
Which reminded me of the park. And then The Office. And then fighting. Which reminded me of everything that's happened lately. 
Nyquil does weird things to me. 
I suppose I should have some awesome "and I realized that..." moment here. Where I realize something great out of all of this stuff I've posted. 
Maybe it's that I'm so happy that I can look back and see how things get bad but never stay that way...It's always good then bad but then good again. That's a plus, right? 
I live an average life. 
I can't remember my life and think it's been bad. Not even close. But I can't look at it and be like "I've lived such an awesome life!" 
I've lived averagely. 
I'm not sad. 
I'm not excruciatingly happy. 
I'm just happy. 
I mean, I see all these bad things happening sometimes, but I'm alive. I breathe every day. I'm healthy. I have fabulous friends. I'm surrounded by amazing people. I work with some of the best women I have ever met. I've been allowed to experience some amazing relationships, even though they didn't last. I have a great family. I am getting a wonderful education in something I LOVE doing. 
So yes, Bad things happen. 
Life is hard sometimes. 
Sometimes you have to take Nyquil and end up licking your friends hair in pictures that are now on Facebook for the whole world to see. 
Sometimes you have to realize you are never going to kiss the beautiful man in your institute class. 
Sometimes thunder just strikes. (I had to have a Scream reference somewhere...) 
But life is beautiful enough to leave me happy.
Happy.
This post brought to you by Nyquil. 

Sunday, October 23, 2011

How to say thank you.

I have exactly 22 minutes to write this before it becomes a lie. SO if it seems rushed, its because I'm rushing. Simple. 
I've had this blog for exactly a year now. 
It's interesting to see how far I've come since then. A year ago I started this because I needed something that was mine. Something I could run to. And then at first, I barely even needed it. So I gave up on it. Then, 4 months later, I needed it more than anything. I don't write as much as I used to. I'm not crazy obsessive over it. I don't absolutely need it anymore. 
But this blog is my life. I mean, not really, but it has all these words from my heart and my mind and it has all these stories and feelings and just... so much. So much of me packed in to a little over a 130 posts (I think.) 
So here's my thank you to my 22 followers out there and to the multiple people that read every time I post on facebook. Thanks for loving me. Thanks for reading everything. Thanks for putting up with me even though I'm pretty ridiculous sometimes. 
Thanks for supporting my dream. 
I love you all.

Friday, October 21, 2011

How to give up control.

I do this alot. 
I open up blogger and click on new post and then sit here are stare at a blank box for a long time. 
I keep it up in its own separate tag for days, hoping something will come while I'm online soon and then I can write and feel better and people will read it and feel better and generally the world feels better. 
My relationship ended yesterday. or, 2 days now because its technically Saturday while I'm writing this. 
And I've spent a lot of time crying and trying to figure out what to do and who I am and what I want and what the heck is supposed to happen now. 
I like comfortable. 
It's comfortable to be with my friends all the time or to date certain people or to stay in a relationship or to stay home for college or to stay at a job. 
I don't like being pushed out of my comfort zone. 
But here I am. And my comfort zone is a little to the left of me. 
But I don't exactly feel like my world is falling apart this time. 
I feel like there's a plan and everything is going to be okay. 
This isn't up to me anymore. I'm leaving it in the Lord's hands. He knows what hes doing, I don't. 
Please, Heavenly Father, if you're listening or reading this or whatever, please be sure of what you're doing. Please protect me. Please help. 
This is up to you now. 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

How to be happy.

I dream of a world where we are happy. 
I love the idea of getting on to tumblr and searching "depression" and seeing recovery stories instead of pictures of them bleeding. 
I smile at the thought of not seeing girls ribs through their clothes and watching as they push away a meal. 
I wish therapists had no work to do and had to find other jobs. 
Because depression ruins things. 
It's like it takes over. It starts as a single thought, and slowly grows, like cancer, as it takes over the rest of the body and its functions until suddenly, we're gone. 
I dream of a world where I can one day try to explain this feeling to my adult children and they say "Wow, I've never even heard of that." Where I don't have to constantly be on the look out for warning signs of the people I love slipping in to this horrible disease. Where "how to be happy" isn't one of the first options that come up on goggle when typing "how to..." Where people fill my facebook news feed about how much they love their life instead of hate it. 
And I don't see why that can't be now. Today. 
I mean really, doesn't it just start with you? 
Can't this whole world change one person at a time? 
Obviously, you can't change the entire world by being positive. That's not going to happen. But it HAS to happen one person at a time. We have to learn to deal with our problems on our own and figure it all out and learn to be happy on our own. And slowly, we will change the world. 
Slowly this dream can become a reality. 
But it starts with us. It starts with you. 
As beautiful as this all sounds, I can't just write this and be like "oh I wish..." and then just return to crying about life. That's lame, and doing nothing. 
Let's fix this problem.
Let's be the change we want to see. 
I dream of a world where we are happy.

Monday, September 12, 2011

How to be humble.

Today I sit here and I write and I'm completely humbled. 
You know how sometimes, God gives us all these wonderful things, and we are super happy about it and amazed by it for like, a month and then we just forget about it? 
A year ago today, I was freaking out wondering how I was going to get a job. (Thank you Facebook for reminding me.) I didn't know how I was going to keep paying for things, my parents wanted me to go to fast food, I was bored allllll the time, and I knew I needed to be going somewhere with my life and sitting at home or at my boyfriends home doing nothing all day was getting me no where. 
So I prayed and prayed and cried and nothing was going right. So one week, I paid my tithing and went to the temple with some friends. And BAM, the next day, I had a job. Just like that. A job I didn't even apply for or interview for. A job that paid over minimum wage and worked perfectly with my schedule. And life was perfect. I couldn't believe how blessed I was. I had everything set perfectly for me. I was in college working towards the career I've wanted since 4th grade. I had this boyfriend that was amazing. I had school completely paid for. I was taking monthly trips to the temple easily with my beautiful friends. I had a job that was absolutely perfect for me. 
And you know, I really loved it for about a week. Then I started getting sick of going to work. And that's where it started. I wasn't happy anymore. I wasn't praying and telling the Lord how happy I was for everything he has given me.
A year has gone by and here I am again crying and praying and praying and wondering if He will do it again. If He will forgive me and let life work perfectly for me yet again. 
See, this is what happens when you start thinking that your life is in your own hands. When you stop saying thank you for what you've been given. Its humbling.
It's like, find a song you love, and then performing it. You love it and try to share it with everyone, then when people start telling you how beautiful it was, you start forgetting the original creator, and start taking credit. Then the creator comes up and is like, wait a second that's mine, I made that. And you're left with nothing. 
Do you ever have so many thoughts in your head that you can't even focus on one specifically? 
That's how I've felt for weeks now. It's why I haven't written and have avoided music and everything else thought provoking. I don't need thought provoking, I need peaceful. I need order and happiness. And stability. 
I need stability. 
Peaceful stability.
And I could sit here and pray for it and promise that if I get it, I'll say thank you ever day, I will never forget the beautiful blessing I have been given. But that would be a lie, I'll forget. I'll take it for granted.
But just for the moment, can't I have it anyway?

Saturday, August 20, 2011

How to let things fall apart.

"I'm limited.
Just look at me.
I'm limited. 
And just look at you, you can do all I couldn't do."

Sometimes I meet people who change my life is the most amazing ways. And at perfectly the right time. I find it amazingly interesting to see how perfectly our lives collide at just the right time. When they could have gone anywhere. Over 6 billion people in this world, and this one just happens to find their way in to my life.
Beautiful, isn't it? 
But sometimes we have to face the harsh reality that people arent going to stay right there forever. 
Some will choose to just walk out of your life as easily as they walked in. 
And some will just fade out. As if nothing ever happened. 
I guess there are a thousand ways people could leave. I could spend this entire blog writing about reasons why people leave. But that isn't the point. Because when it comes down to it, all we know is they left. 
And now you're sitting in a room alone reading this post and probably on some level, missing the people who left. 
When people leave me, I usually just cry a lot and beg them to stay. I pray begging for God to let them stay just a little longer. 
But I had this realization today. 
See, I've had this friend for a while. We were like, incredibly beautiful friends. She came in to my life exactly when I needed her. And we spent hours and hours and hours talking. And we spent days and days and days together. And I know without even a shadow of a doubt that it was the plan all along. 
And for a little while now, we've been falling apart quickly. And there's been fighting and misunderstandings and hurt feelings... And I had no idea how to fix things. Because how can you let someone you've loved that much go? 
But I realized that maybe it was that exact thought that was causing everything to hurt so much. 
Sometimes you just have to let things fall apart their own way and stop fighting it so it won't hurt. It'll just be perfectly alright with no hard feelings. Just more of a "Oh, what happened to that?" type of feeling.
So this is me letting things fall apart. No fighting. Just sitting and watching parts of my life crumble to the ground. 
But really it's not that big of a deal. It just makes room for more to be built with others. 
I've heard it said
that people come into our lives
for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
and we are lead to those
who help us most to grow
if we let them and we help them in return
Well i dont know if i believe that's true
But i know i'm who i am today
because i knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
but, because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

It well may be
that we will never meet again in this lifetime,
So let me say before we part
so much of me is made from what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
like a hand print on my heart.
Now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine
by being my friend.

Like a ship blown from it's mooring
by a wind off the sea.
like a seed dropped by a sky bird
in a distant wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you,
I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness
for the things I've done you blame me for
But then I guess we know there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter any more

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better. 
- For Good
I'll love and miss you always. Good luck with life. Eternity friends.


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Where Am I? ( A Poem.)


Surrounded by walls that I never built
Just sitting in the corner and watching them rise
As if they want to shut me in
As if they thought I couldn’t build it myself.
The last brick is placed
And I’m silently gasping
The air I was breathing is now suddenly lacking
And I feel no need to fight.

You whispered you love me and you took my hand.

But wait, what is happening?
Why are you crying?  Why are we here?
Why did you take my hand and lead me to the only place I can’t escape?
Where did you go and why is it dark?
There is no exit sign here to be a mark
of my only hope,
of my one way out.
Where am I?

Where am I?
I was lying in the grass while the sun was shining
And there was chalk on the sidewalk and some children laughing
And then it dissolved.
I watched it dissolve.
It was all fading and I was screaming
And now here I am.
But where am I?
Am I lying in the grass
but for some reason it’s black?
Where did it go?

And that’s when I feel those arms wrap around me
And the confusion is gone
And I’m suddenly happy.
And that’s when I realize it didn’t dissolve.
I did.

And I’m in this room now
With bricks on top of bricks on top of more bricks.
The world with grass and sun and chalk and children is still out there
But I’m not.

You whispered you love me and you took my hand
And led me to the only place that I can’t escape.
And it was beautiful while you were there.
But then you built your own room and left me here.
And now I’m pounding on the walls
Begging for them to give in
But instead pieces just slowly fall apart and on to my head
And causes me to lose my….
Oh what’s that word?
Right… memory.

And I wonder what….
And I feel like…
And sometimes I….
And they…
And then I….
I don’t know.
Somewhere in this room I dropped my words
And now I can’t pick them up.
They’re too small and too fragile
And I love them too much to make them part of this.
So I let them fall through the cracks
And instead I’ll sit in silence.
Lost in this room.
Hoping that maybe my words,
As they fall through the cracks,
Find their way to someone, to you,
In your very own room,
And then you won’t be so alone.