Saturday, August 20, 2011

How to let things fall apart.

"I'm limited.
Just look at me.
I'm limited. 
And just look at you, you can do all I couldn't do."

Sometimes I meet people who change my life is the most amazing ways. And at perfectly the right time. I find it amazingly interesting to see how perfectly our lives collide at just the right time. When they could have gone anywhere. Over 6 billion people in this world, and this one just happens to find their way in to my life.
Beautiful, isn't it? 
But sometimes we have to face the harsh reality that people arent going to stay right there forever. 
Some will choose to just walk out of your life as easily as they walked in. 
And some will just fade out. As if nothing ever happened. 
I guess there are a thousand ways people could leave. I could spend this entire blog writing about reasons why people leave. But that isn't the point. Because when it comes down to it, all we know is they left. 
And now you're sitting in a room alone reading this post and probably on some level, missing the people who left. 
When people leave me, I usually just cry a lot and beg them to stay. I pray begging for God to let them stay just a little longer. 
But I had this realization today. 
See, I've had this friend for a while. We were like, incredibly beautiful friends. She came in to my life exactly when I needed her. And we spent hours and hours and hours talking. And we spent days and days and days together. And I know without even a shadow of a doubt that it was the plan all along. 
And for a little while now, we've been falling apart quickly. And there's been fighting and misunderstandings and hurt feelings... And I had no idea how to fix things. Because how can you let someone you've loved that much go? 
But I realized that maybe it was that exact thought that was causing everything to hurt so much. 
Sometimes you just have to let things fall apart their own way and stop fighting it so it won't hurt. It'll just be perfectly alright with no hard feelings. Just more of a "Oh, what happened to that?" type of feeling.
So this is me letting things fall apart. No fighting. Just sitting and watching parts of my life crumble to the ground. 
But really it's not that big of a deal. It just makes room for more to be built with others. 
I've heard it said
that people come into our lives
for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
and we are lead to those
who help us most to grow
if we let them and we help them in return
Well i dont know if i believe that's true
But i know i'm who i am today
because i knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
but, because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

It well may be
that we will never meet again in this lifetime,
So let me say before we part
so much of me is made from what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
like a hand print on my heart.
Now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine
by being my friend.

Like a ship blown from it's mooring
by a wind off the sea.
like a seed dropped by a sky bird
in a distant wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you,
I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness
for the things I've done you blame me for
But then I guess we know there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter any more

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better. 
- For Good
I'll love and miss you always. Good luck with life. Eternity friends.


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Where Am I? ( A Poem.)


Surrounded by walls that I never built
Just sitting in the corner and watching them rise
As if they want to shut me in
As if they thought I couldn’t build it myself.
The last brick is placed
And I’m silently gasping
The air I was breathing is now suddenly lacking
And I feel no need to fight.

You whispered you love me and you took my hand.

But wait, what is happening?
Why are you crying?  Why are we here?
Why did you take my hand and lead me to the only place I can’t escape?
Where did you go and why is it dark?
There is no exit sign here to be a mark
of my only hope,
of my one way out.
Where am I?

Where am I?
I was lying in the grass while the sun was shining
And there was chalk on the sidewalk and some children laughing
And then it dissolved.
I watched it dissolve.
It was all fading and I was screaming
And now here I am.
But where am I?
Am I lying in the grass
but for some reason it’s black?
Where did it go?

And that’s when I feel those arms wrap around me
And the confusion is gone
And I’m suddenly happy.
And that’s when I realize it didn’t dissolve.
I did.

And I’m in this room now
With bricks on top of bricks on top of more bricks.
The world with grass and sun and chalk and children is still out there
But I’m not.

You whispered you love me and you took my hand
And led me to the only place that I can’t escape.
And it was beautiful while you were there.
But then you built your own room and left me here.
And now I’m pounding on the walls
Begging for them to give in
But instead pieces just slowly fall apart and on to my head
And causes me to lose my….
Oh what’s that word?
Right… memory.

And I wonder what….
And I feel like…
And sometimes I….
And they…
And then I….
I don’t know.
Somewhere in this room I dropped my words
And now I can’t pick them up.
They’re too small and too fragile
And I love them too much to make them part of this.
So I let them fall through the cracks
And instead I’ll sit in silence.
Lost in this room.
Hoping that maybe my words,
As they fall through the cracks,
Find their way to someone, to you,
In your very own room,
And then you won’t be so alone.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

How to lose your mind.

I like to think that I am getting better. 
Like, at everything. 
I like to think that I feel healthier and I eat better and I'm being more social and I'm learning new things and I'm letting go of the past and... I'm getting better. 
But at the same time, I know I'm just gradually getting worse. A little bit more insane every day. 
In all reality I'm just a little bit closer to losing it. 
Maybe I spend half my time wishing I was still asleep rather than awake. Maybe I cry at random point in the day without even knowing why. Maybe I take long drives almost nightly because I can't bring myself to go home. Maybe I look at food and have to talk myself in to eating it. Maybe I feel more at home surrounded by thousand of screaming people than anywhere else. Maybe I fall asleep with a stuffed animal every night because I'm lonely. 
Maybe. 
Maybe I'm just gradually waiting for the day that I lose it. 
Because that's something that finally sounds peaceful.
Blissfully unaware of anything. Beautifully lost. 

Sunday, August 7, 2011

How to stop planning things.

“Things never go as planned. You always have to roll with it. I'm about as ready as I'm going to get. However ready that is, we'll find out. I don't have the answers for you. Nobody does.” - J.P. Losman.

Funny, isn't it, how much we change in just one year. 
You know, I thought about posting a huge long list of the things I've learned this last year and how much has changed. But then... No. Let's do that. I think it sounds fun. 
I am more caring. 
I cry more. 
My main goal in life at the current moment is NOT to get married. 
I learned a lot about bipolar disorder. 
I learned a lot about self injury. 
I started writing more. 
Gained a lot of weight. (gosh dangit)
Lost a lot of friends. 
Made a lot of friends.
Made out a lot. 
Learned to love again.
.... 
No. Screw this. 
I don't want to list what changed and what didn't happen like I wanted. Because it's over. 
6 months with. 6 months without. Funny how that worked out, isn't it? 
Over. This is over. I'm done being mad at the people that hurt me. But I'm also done with them. And I'm done returning to things that hurt. DONE. 
Because it's over. 
I made plans. And I loved my plans so much. And they were really coming together. But I should have known better than to plan. Plans don't happen. God happens. 
I sometimes feel like I make all these beautiful plans and God is just sitting up there laughing quietly to himself and saying "Oh Maren. Just you wait and see what actually is going to happen..." 
Do we deserve the right to be heart broken when our plans don't work out? 
I mean, really, I think we know they aren't going to most the time. 
I think we realize alot of the time, that God probably has a different plan for us. 
But we do it anyway. Like we think we know what is better for us. 
So do we deserve the right to be angry and sad when it doesn't happen? 
Or should we really be a little sad but generally okay because really we knew it was going to happen all along. We set ourselves up for failure. And God is up there saying, "Oh come on guys, when will you learn?" 
When will I learn? 
I don't plan things anymore. 
A year ago almost exactly, someone looked me in the eye while I told them about 24 the movie and asked "So we are going to that together when it comes out in 2 years, right?" 
And I said yes. And I planned around that. 
I used to plan everything. Until they fell through. 
You know, the plan to own a duplex. And to read 200 books. And to go to 24 the movie. And to stay friends forever. 
So now I don't plan even a few days in advance. I'd rather it be spur of the moment. Then it's not crushing when it doesn't happen.
Because I've suddenly learned that I have no control anyway. What's supposed to happen is going to happen. 
So why plan to fall apart? 
My thought process keeps returning to me thinking "A year ago exactly I..." But it's blank after that. 
A year ago exactly I wasn't the same person. 
I was building sand castles with new friends and talking about past experiences. I was signing up for institute classes and worrying about my upcoming date. I was sitting at parks and taking pictures. I was.... 
I just... was. 
And I am. 
Isn't that all that matters anyway? 
Just that we are. 
We're alive and happy and sad and crying and laughing and...  We are. 
Don't be sad. 
In a year, you will barely remember everything anyway. 
So forget about it now. Nothing matters more than just the fact that you are alive. 
And just stop. Just for today. Just stop trying to plan everything. Let it happen. It will, but on it's own time.
Just stop.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

How to live one day at a time.

I've been staring at these screen for about... a half an hour now. I know exactly the point I want to make, but no idea which words to use to get me there. 
I just... I want... I have no idea. 
I think it's safe to say that this is the hardest week I've had since.... I'm not sure. April, maybe. Each day it gradually gets a little more difficult. 
So here I am.
I'm just sitting in a room with a window open and listening to the wind move the trees and wondering what the stars look like right now. Wondering who else is watching them. Wondering what those people are thinking. Wondering about anything that doesn't have to do with me or how I feel or whats happening in my life. Anything but that. 
And to write something good I need to think about those things. I need lay out all my thoughts for you. I need to show you exactly what I feel. I need you to feel it and know. So then I won't be so very alone.
But isn't that what I am? Alone? 
Isn't that what we all are when it comes down to it? Alone. 
All we have in the end is ourselves. And sadly, most of us don't even like ourselves enough for that. 
Including me.
One day at a time. One day at a time. That's all I have to live. One day at a time. 
..... 
Maybe tomorrow will be better. 
Or maybe next week... 
Or next month.... 
Or next year.... 
One day at a time..........................

Monday, August 1, 2011

How to watch a friend leave.

Have you ever felt your heart shatter in to a thousand pieces? 
It's a suffocating feelings. It's as if someone is sitting on your chest and no matter what you do, you can't breathe correct again. 
I've been "heart broken" a few times. Or, you know, what I called heart broken. 
But I'm learning that once your heart is broken, it can't be broken as easily the next time.
A few months ago I was heart broken the worst. I couldn't eat or sleep or think or smile or laugh or breathe. It was exactly what I had expected to happen. I saw it coming, and it came, and it passed. I expected it. 
But the other day I was sitting in a church building staring at an old friend and my heart broke in a way I've never felt before. And I didn't at all expect it. It was like, I was there one moment smiling and laughing with him. And then I was there two seconds later watching him fumble around nervously and I couldn't breathe. 
It's an interesting way to explain the feeling. Breaking. 
It sounds cliche really to describe it like that. 
But there I was, and I honestly felt as if I was broken. As if parts of me where falling apart in different directions and hitting the floor and shattering more. 
And then there we were. And he was walking away on the verge of tears while I tried to hug him and rush words of advice as he walked out of my life. 
"Be careful. I love you." As he walked quickly to the door. But then he paused and looked at me and nodded and said he will be and he loves me.
And that's it. 
I've never felt this. 
It's not a romantic loss, whereas all the others had been. It's not like I was in love and lost it. Or anything like that. 
It's like... watching a child take their first steps, but watching them walk away from you instead of to you. 
It's like... the moment after a firework show when all you can see is the outline of the fireworks and your yearning for more. 
It's like... spending hours writing an important paper then watching your computer crash and lose it. 
It's empty. 
It's broken. 
I wish I could give advice. I mean, if you are googling this title, that's what your looking for, isn't it? Advice to tell you how to do something. How to get over it or let it happen or be happy or stop it... 
But I've got nothing. 
Because I'm staring at this screen and thinking about Denny's french fries and intercourse and sexual stimulating things and races to the front seat and dancing and cuddling and that smell and Steve and all those texts. 
I don't have advice today. I'm just here so you aren't alone. So you can read this and know that someone out there has been there, done that. And came out alive. Just like you will. 
Make memories. Keep them close to your heart. Take pictures. But don't let them hold you back.