How to remember.

It's late. 

The computer is on and I'm surfing Facebook mindlessly like usual. 

My pillow is propped behind my back as I sit cross-legged on my bed, all dressed in my pajamas. I should be asleep. 

I'm not asleep. I'm not going to sleep at all. But I didn't know that then. 

I thought my night would proceed like normal. I'd come home from a date, sit back on my bed, text my boyfriend to make sure he made it home safe, get on Facebook for about an hour, then fall asleep quietly and happily. Normal. 

It wasn't normal. Normal is when everything stays the way it's been for years. Normal is when people in your past continue posting statuses so you can "like" them and stay distantly connected. Normal is when people at the age of 18 aren't dying. Normal is when death is at least expected. 

It wasn't normal at all. 

I'll admit I've lived a sheltered life when it comes to death. 

My grandpa died when my dad was still in High School, and since then, no one in my family has died. My other grandpa was told he would die a long time ago, and he's alive. My grandma is one of the most youthful ladies I know. And my other grandma is 93 and in perfect health. I lost an aunt when I was in 3rd grade, but that's it. I have all my other aunts and uncles. I have all my cousins. I have all my friends. Death has always been surreal. Out of reach. Not really close to me at all. 

This one shouldn't have been as close to me as it was. I will also admit that. It wasn't like he was my best friend. It wasn't like I saw him often, or ever really. It wasn't like we talked anymore. We would just occasionally "like" each other's facebook statuses, mayyybe comment, and then go on with our completely separate lives. In all actuality, it probably shouldn't have left such a lasting effect on my life. I probably should have seen it, cried a little, and then forgot or moved on easily. 

It's probably just because I'm so new to this. So new to the idea that things like that actually happen. So new to realizing that I'm not untouchable, I'm not invincible. So new to the idea that this is really just the first of many. 

It's been a year now. I've written about him before, back in May. But I dunno if I'll ever really stop writing about him in some way. 

I thought about writing this yesterday, but it didn't feel right to me because I didn't know until the next day. This way, today, I can say that for a year, my entire life has been different. The way I think. The way I talk to other people. My opinions. What I stand for. Everything. It feels as if it all started to change a year ago. 

So, Ryan, we miss you. I'll send a balloon off for you tomorrow with your friends and family. 

I'm sitting on my bed. 

"I'll be okay, Maren." 

"Everything happens for a reason." 

"I'm here for you." 

"We're you very close to him?" 

"How could this happen?" 

"Don't let it depress you too much." 

"It'll be okay, Maren." 

I'm typing. I'm talking. I'm crying. I know that things will be different now. I'm not sure exactly how different yet though, I had no idea. 

Run, Maren. Don't let this change everything. And it will. Run. Get out. Run faster. 

That's what I'd tell myself if I could. 

Turn off the computer. Maybe then it won't be real. It can't be real if you never read it. 

Don't ask for comfort. It will ruin everything. Bottle it in. Run.

"I need you. For the first time, I really really need you and I've never asked for this before. Why can't you just be there for me this once?"

"I'm sorry."

One year.

How to fall.

I'm falling down in the middle of the woods. A branch has stuck out just far enough to catch my foot and I'm falling face first in to the ground. I go to grab someone, and they are gone. I'm falling. I go to grab the trees and they are out of reach. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm standing on the edge of a building. I always see mountains. Maybe I'm on the edge of a mountain that is just square enough to be a building. And I lose my balance. I start to fall. I go to reach out for a friend but I don't know where they went. I'm falling. I try to grab on to the edge of the building but my hands slip. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm standing on the top of the stairs in Rendezvous. I'm looking down to see if I can see feet lying beneath the stairs and someone pushes me. I'm falling. I reach for my friends hand before I'm totally gone, but she took a step back. I'm falling. I go to grab on to the railing but I just put on lotion so I slip. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm standing behind a gas station. There's a gaping hole in the ground. A car has already fallen in. I take one too many steps and suddenly I slip in the dirt. And I'm falling. I try to hold on to grass but it gets pulled out. I'm falling. I try to grab on to the dirt but it only comes with me. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm on a roller coaster. My friends talked me on to it. We reach the top and just before it goes down, I realize my strap isn't on all the way. So I slip out. And I'm suddenly suspended in midair. The roller coaster goes on... And I start to fall. I go to grab on to it before it zooms past me, but it's too late. I'm falling. I'm screaming and trying to grab on to anything. Hoping someone will see me and be there to catch me, but there's no one. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm in an airplane. I'm sitting watching the movie comfortably when someone next to me whispers "Did you realize how fast we are going down?" I look out the window and notice that we are, indeed, falling. I want to scream but I know it is useless. I can not scream loud enough to make the plane stay in the air. I'm falling. I sit tensely back in my chair and continue my movie. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm jogging. Which is weird in the first place because I don't jog. I'm thinking about how proud I am of myself for jogging. I'm smiling and I go to change the song on my ipod. While I look at my ipod I trip on the sidewalk that's slightly higher than the other parts of the sidewalk. I'm falling. I try to lean towards the grass but the force is too strong and I'm falling straight in to the road. I'm falling. A car is coming and I'm falling right in to it's path. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm driving. I go up Summit. I'm sitting there staring at the lights and thinking about how beautiful my life is. On the way down, my breaks go out. I'm trying so hard to press them but my breaks don't work. I'm falling. I go to pull the emergency break, but it isn't there. I'm falling. I have to make a quick decision, in to a house or in to the ditch. I choose the ditch. I'm falling. I go off a little jump and I'm in the air. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm sitting in room full of people. We are laughing. We are playing games. I'm smiling. I'm dancing. I look down at my hands. They are empty. I look around at the smiling, they are all looking away. I'm falling. I say something, I beg to be noticed. They all laugh at their jokes. I'm falling. My head starts pounding. I smile. I stay calm. I ask a question. I'm reaching out for my friends so I have something to grab on to. I'm looking down at the ground to see if there is anyone there who has noticed and is willing to catch me. I sit tensely back in to my chair and continue smiling. I'm falling.

This is where I'm supposed to wake up.

How to... I dunno.

"Our story has three parts: a beginning, a middle, and an end. And although this is the way all stories unfold, I still can't believe that ours didn't go on forever."
"I don't know that love changes. People change. Circumstances change."
-Nicholas Sparks

I didn't have a choice.
The choice was never mine.
It was their's. It's always their's.

How to live through 2011.

"This must be it, welcome to the New Year." 
-Motion City Soundtrack.


Hm. How to start, how to start...
You know, 2011 was... Long. But it went by too fast. 
It started off good. I remember I kept thinking as I danced on that floor surrounded by wonderful people, "This will be my best year yet. I have so much in store for me. This is it. The best year."
Quickly, I realized it would not be my best year. There was arguing. And sliding off the road in the middle of the night. And headaches. And I lost my dear friend Ryan tragically. And then the person I loved most, left. And I felt like everything was falling apart. 
I think it's actually easy to say it was my worst year, so far. 
I've only lived through 19 years and I don't remember about... 5 of them. So it's not hard to pick a best and worse, there's not a whole lot to choose from. 
And if I had to pick, I would definitely say 2011 was my worst year. 
And that's been kind of depressing to me lately. 
I wanted so bad for it to be good. 
But I realized something just a few hours ago, while I was sitting playing rockband with my friends and laughing and having a wodnerful time bringing in the new year...
Just because it was, yes, the worst year so far, doesn't mean it was actually a bad year. 
It wasn't a bad year. 
Yes, a lot of difficult things happened. 
But some beautiful things happened too. 
Just Dance 2. Butterburrs. Rainy days. Scary movies. Reading wonderful books. Harry Potter 7 Part 2. Katy Perry. Diamond Rio. Dashboard Confessional. The Scream movies. High School Musical Marathons. Dinners at Craigos. Temple trips. It's Kind of a Funny Story. Tumblr. Meeting people on tumblr. Just dance 3. Todd. Getting my handcuffs finally. Aubrie getting married. Summer nights. My first year spent completely employed. Swimming. Going to the zoo. Institute. Weird dreams. The professor. Men over the age of 36. Watching the Swan Princess. Tyler is going to Bulgaria! Seeing my cousins. Playing too much Sims. 750 words. Completely the one month challenge. Trying to be crafty. Those lights. My creative writing class. Sex Island. Vanilla Cupcakes. Deep talks with friends. Gala Darling. Radical Self Love Bootcamp. Dying my hair brown. Watching my friends be happy. Advice. Church. My self love bible. Finishing philosophy. Gossip Girl. Desperate housewives. Paranormal Activity 3. Getting my Fafsa money finally. Learning that everything is going to be okay. 


In the end, it wasn't bad. 
It was by far not the best year of my life, and doesn't top the others. 
So yes, it is the worst. 
But I loved it none the less. It was still a beautiful year that packed so much to learn in to it. So much happiness. 
A good friend said to me once "I would be the most ungrateful person in the world if I wasn't happy after everything I have." 
And she was right. 
I really would be the most ungrateful person in the world if I wasn't happy after everything I have. 
It was a beautiful year. It will be a beautiful year. And it is a beautiful life. 


"So let's give it up for the new year."