Wednesday, July 25, 2012

How to realize that we are killing love.


I'm scared we are killing love. 
Not just me. Not just you. Not just the few people who go through relationships like underwear. 
I mean us. 
All of us together. 
We are killing love. 
This isn't something I say lightly.
This isn't just some line in Dan in Real life. ("You are the murderer of love!")
Nope. I'm dead serious. 
I don't know how it happened either. 
We grew up being spoon fed love stories. We grew up with fairy tales and romantic comedies and dating websites... 
We have grown up being told constantly that love exists and that it is out there for you. 
That's what the movies say. That's what we keep telling each other. 
Maybe we've becoming too.... too expectant. 
We want someone to write us every day for a year in hopes that our love isn't over. We want a man who will let you have the life jacket and the piece of wood to lay on while he freezes in the ocean. We want someone who will do everything they can to remind you of who you are when you've gotten in a car accident and don't remember the last few years of your life. We want someone to save us from out wicked step-sisters. 
We want love. 
We search for it. 
But we want those stories. 
We want the stories that make you reach for more. That make your heart just swell with love. We want the type that make other people envious. 
And I think when love comes in less obvious ways.... When it just sneaks up behind you while your watching a movie with your friend. Or getting hot chocolate before class. Or when you fall down the stairs in the mall... We don't think that's enough. 
Suuure it's love. But it's not a beautiful love story. 
It's not like Noah and Allie. Or Jack and Rose. 
This is boring. 
We each want the stories we read about. Not some real life story. Not something that can happen at any given moment in the most boring way possible. We want the real deal. The fireworks in the sky while you kiss type of love. 
But the thing is, real love doesn't always come in those type of ways. And that's the scary part.
We don't see the beauty in the "boring" love stories as much anymore. 
And we don't think they are enough. 
So we reach for more. We hope for more. And we ruin what we have. 
We ruin the most beautiful love story while it's in the making because it isn't like the movies 
The reason it's not like the movies, guys, is because you're killing it before you even hit the climax. 
The problem does not lie in your story not being enough. The problem lies in the fact that you are lazy and don't want to work to the end. 
Yes. I'm speaking to you. I'm speaking to all of us. Because I think we all have a tendency to do this. 
I am worried. 
I am worried that my children one day will grow up in a world where people get divorced after a few years because they "just fell out of love." I am worried that my children will grow up in a world where people go in to a marriage thinking "well if this does't work I can always get divorced." I am worried my children will grow up in a world where one night stands are something the people aspire to have. I am worried my children will grow up in a world much like the one I live in now. 
And I'm scared it's only downhill from here. 
I want to believe in love. I want to realize it can come anywhere. I want to know it isn't as glamorous as movies make it out to be. I want to be excited for the messy fights and the irreconcilable differences. I want to be excited for a love story that isn't perfect. I don't want to expect something like the movies. I don't want to waste my life looking for something better than the most amazing love story that could ever be written for me. 
I think we are killing love. 
I think we are expecting too much of it and then leaving it to die on it's own. And I think we are teaching children the wrong lesson. We aren't teaching them to endure. We aren't teaching them to learn and grow from someone totally different from them.
We are teaching them that love can die. 
And I don't want my children to think that. 
Because I don't think they, or anyone, should have to live in a world that love is dying in. 

Friday, July 20, 2012

Aurora, Colorado shooting and how it changed everything.

7/20/2012
I'm sure you've heard already. 

How could you not have? It's on the news. It's on the radio. It's on your facebook. It's all anyone can talk about. 
12 people died today. 
When I say that, I feel almost ridiculous. People die all the time. People are murdered more often than we'd like to admit. 
But these 12 people... These 12 people are different.  
Let me tell you why. 
These 12 people... They are your parents. And your best friends. And your children. 
And it could have been you. 
Imagine with me for a second. 
Imagine standing in line for 5 hours waiting for the most anticipated movie of the year. Imagine laughing with your friends and getting custom t shirts made. Imagine the movie marathons and the popcorn and the staying up late... Imagine being excited. Imagine being happy.
And then imagine that suddenly being taken away from you. 

Imagine turning to laugh with your friend about the weird couple next to you, and then the next moment watching your friend's life be ripped away from her. 
Imagine telling your son to get his feet off the seat in front of him, and then the next moment screaming for his life to come back. 
Imagine being embarrassed to be at movie with your mom, and then the next moment wish you could be with her again anywhere. 
Imagine thinking about how much sleep you'll be able to get before work the next morning and then hearing a gun shot and wondering if it's coming in your direction. 
These 12 people are different because it's us. 
I had someone ask me today why I care now and why about them? 
He spouted off some statistics about the war and how many people, roughly, died yesterday at war. 
And he asked why I cared about these 12 people but didn't care about the 140 that died yesterday at war. 
It made me wonder. Why? Why suddenly do we care? Like I said, people die all the time. 
Why these 12 people? 
It's because this is home. 
It's because this is where we are supposed to be safe and suddenly we aren't anymore. 
I support and care for and pray for all of the people in the war. And when they die, it's sad. But when it's close to home like this... It shakes your world. 
Soldiers sign up knowing there is a risk. These 12 people didn't buy their movie tickets knowing there was a risk. 
And these 12 people could have been anyone. 
Suddenly we realize that this could be it. 
For the first time in my life, I had to face the reality that even though I walked in to that movie with 3 friends, if that had been our theater, I might have walked out with only 2. 
And it could happen anywhere. At anytime. 
Life is so fleeting. But we don't realize it until something like this happens. Not really. 
We don't realize that when you say goodbye to your parents as they are walking out the door for their date night, that could be the last thing you ever say to them. 
We don't realize that when you're walking around campus with your friend, that could be the last time you ever walk with them. 
We don't realize that this could happen anywhere. At any time. 
But I think we're starting to. 
I woke up this morning so angry. I got on facebook to post a status about how I was so mad to be awake. 
But then as I scrolled through my news feed, I realized how lucky I was to be awake. How blessed I am. Because 12 people didn't wake up today after going to the same movie I went to. 
It was far away from my home. But it could have been anywhere. It could have been my theater. 
It could have been yours. 
As I think about today, I pray for the victims. For the people still in critical condition. For their families and their friends. And I pray for you. 
I pray that you realize how blessed you are to be breathing. 
How lucky you are to have life. 
I pray that now... This changes you. 
I hope we don't forget it in a few days and then act like it never happened. 
This changes everything. 
This changes what you say to people. This changes how you treat the people you love. This changes what you spend your time on. This changes your life. 
It's devastating. 
But let it change you. Let it make you better. Let it make you see how beautiful your life is. 
Because it is.
You were blessed enough to wake up this morning.

Monday, July 9, 2012

How to write your story.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're a romantic?" 


Yes. Yes they have. 
I'd call myself an extremist in the field of romantics, actually. 
See, I have this problem. 
I'm a story teller. I love the way stories feel. I love the way they sound and the way they look and especially  the way it feels to create one. 
I'm not the best writer yet. I can tell a story like no one's business but writing one is incredibly hard for me lately. 
But I think them constantly. 
I create tragic life stories for people I see in stores that catch my eye. 
I imagine where people are driving too when they seem to be in a hurry driving past me. 
I plan out my friend's lives the way they would be if I was the author of their lives (It's a good thing that I'm not...)
And these stories that I create, I love them. I love everything about them. And they seem perfect to me. I can figure out the ending and then I create the next persons story. 
But my problem lies in my own story.
I don't know anything about my story. 
But I want to. I want to figure it out. I want to know where it's going next and where it's leading ultimately. 
I'd like to know the climax and the resolution and all the little stories in between. But I don't. 
So I make up for that by create a thousand and one possible endings. 
All it takes is me seeing an attractive guy on the street and suddenly I have my life planned out with them. If I were to meet them one day, what would happen next, and how we would end up. 
I have about 25 claimed future husbands and the stories that go along with each of them. 
I've thought of every possibility. 
I imagined it and thought it through and then I set them aside while I create more endings with completely different outcomes. 
It's not a bad system, actually, it's just how my mind works. 
But people look at it and they see a romantic. And maybe that's what I am. I'm cool with that. But it's the only way I know how to think. 
And these stories for my life are wonderful and great and happy. And I love them. 
But only one story can come true. And it's not going to be created by me. 
I think that idea bothers me. 
I think that's why I get so frustrated when my plans fall through. Because I want to be in control. If I wrote my story, things would be perfect. 
I've been hurt. And I've been confused and disillusioned and scared. And I'm not in control. And it's harder for me to let go of control than I thought it would be. 
And sometimes, sometimes the romantic in me gets angry and bitter and thinks love doesn't exist or that love stories... they don't happen. 
But then sometimes, a story pops in to my head. And I see the beginning and middle and end. And I laugh at myself for being so ridiculous. But it reminds me that these stories... These stories could be real. 
Sometimes true love stories actually happen. They don't just exist in my mind. 
None of my stories for myself have taken place. I don't really care. I'm not ready for any of them to take place anyway. And that's fine by me. 
But sometimes, the Lord reminds me that they could. That a true love story could pop up at any moment and take me or you by surprise. And it will be perfect.
And it could be years. I could go study abroad like I plan and come  home and get my masters and then be taken by surprise. I could be 50 with 20 cats when someone just comes knocking at my door for me. Or it could be tomorrow. Or the day after that. 
I'm just at the rising action right now. The climax hasn't hit yet. And that's okay. The story almost gets boring once the climax hits anyway. A good story builds you up to it just perfectly...
I just hope that when my story folds out, I will be taken by surprise, but I want to be able to say "I planned this all along." 

Sunday, July 1, 2012

How to be honest.

"Maybe I've lost it at last. Maybe my last lucid moment has passed." 


If I tried to tell you how often I opened this screen and just sat here instead of writing something worth reading, you'd probably think I'm a sad, pathetic person. 
Like, really. I sit here. I type something. Then I sit here and stare at it. Then I delete it all. And then I repeat until finally I decide it's time to sleep. 
Tonight, I feel like it's time to sleep. Actually, I felt like it was time to sleep about... 3 hours ago. 
And who knows if I will actually even post this. Odds are against me, my friends. 


It's been... one hell of a week. 
I won't go in to details. But I'm just so extremely happy it's over. I'm just a little sad the weekend is over too. 
But this week got me thinking alot. 


"There's a plan for you."
"It will happen, I promise." 
"Something better is coming for you."
"Don't stress." 


Can I say something? 
I don't believe you. I don't really believe any of you. 
I mean, it's a nice idea. It's a wonderfully nice idea to think that everything is going to work out in the end for your happiness. It's a nice idea that something better than what you had before and lost is going to come along. It's a nice idea. 
But that's all it really is. It's a nice idea that we tell people when they are sad to get them to shut up. 
Because, you know what, the truth is that we never really know. 
You don't know that the future is bright for me. You don't know that. 
You don't know that something better is going to come along. You don't know that. 
What if that doesn't happen? 
What if the best thing I will ever have is in my past? 
What if I'm going to spend my life with something just not as good as what I had before? 


You know, for once I just wish people would be honest with us. 
I wish someone would say "Honestly, I don't know that this is going to get better. And if it does, it may not be any time soon. This might always suck."
I'd like that. 
I'd like the honesty. And I'd like the reality of it all. 


I'm worried we set ourselves up for disappointment. I'm worried we tell ourselves things are going to get better too often, and then we expect it. We expect the world to work for us. Because everyone tells us it will. 
It's not going to guys, this might always suck. 


But here's the thing. 
If you know you have a God that loves you, then what are you scared of? 


Sometimes, my heart hurts so much that I can barely convince myself that getting out of bed is a good idea.
And to be honest, I do not know that is going to go away. 
I do NOT know that this is okay and something better is coming along. 
What I do know, however, is that my God loves me. And he's not going to leave me in pain. 
Maybe for the rest of my life I will have those days that I wake up, think about the things that suck right now in 2012, and maybe I won't want to get out of bed. 
But that is not all my life is. My life is not just from one horrible moment to the next. 
My life is a collection of beautiful moments with the occasional shitty one. 
And your's is too. 
Maybe whatever sucks now is never going to stop sucking. Maybe what you will have later will just be something a step down from what you had before. 
But that doesn't mean that the life you're going to live is going to suck completely. 
Your God loves you, and He won't leave you in pain. 
You've got nothing to be scared of.