Monday, December 23, 2013

Some Writing.

I wanted to return to you. 
As I closed my eyes I pictured everything I could remember about you. Your hair. Your smile. The shirt you were wearing. The way you smelled. Your arms around me. Your laugh. 
I pictured everything until you were almost there. Just almost within reach… 
I wanted to grab your hand. I wanted to follow you into warmth of my mind. I wanted you to lead me through the narrow hallways and the too small rooms and the places with no light. I wanted to walk through the movie theaters full of my memories and I wanted you to close my eyes when it got to the bad parts. 
I wanted to watch you walk. I wanted to walk after you, a few steps behind. I wanted to let you wander on your own but then I wanted to find you later sitting in a stairwell with a friend, laughing and telling stories. I wanted to walk up and sit with you and say nothing. 
I wanted to think you were real. 
And then it got to the point where I couldn’t figure out how you’re not. I’m infinitely clever but I do not believe I could have created the way you smelled or the way your hair fell on your forehead. If I created you, then I would know your story; you wouldn’t be so fascinating. Your laugh wouldn’t have mesmerized me. You couldn't have said, touched, thought things that I never considered before. You’d be just another part of me that I already knew. 
So I wanted to follow you. 
I wanted to know who you were and how you got in to my mind. I needed to know what trapped you there, both because I wanted to let you free and because I needed to know how to reinforce it.
But mostly I wanted to return to you. 
To fall asleep and find you over and over again.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

you were supposed to keep the disease between you and me.

I have a memory of something that never happened.
Blood splattered on tile and someone, anyone, crying, kneeling in it.
Me, behind them, arms around the shoulders, shifting razors away slowly so that they won't notice.
Bandaging them up. Telling them it's going to be okay.
And I've had this memory for as long as I can remember.
And it's never happened.
Maybe I dreamed it once. Maybe I have heared one too many suicide threats that my mind built a memory out of the fear they brought.
Maybe I just need to save you.