Sunday, January 24, 2016

A return.

Almost 3 years ago I wrote what is probably my most popular post. (see here)

At the time I was someone else entirely. A little lost, a little confused. A little unsure of what the heck to do next.
Would I go on a mission? Find someone to marry? Get my masters? Or even finish my undergrad?
Would I be lost forever? Would I continuously feel like I'm wandering?

I have always taken comfort in my favorites lines of my favorite hymn:

Prone to wander.
Lord, I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart
Oh, take and seal it.
Seal it for Thy courts above.

I remember the day I wrote that post. I was humming the song over and over again. The lines repeated in my mind. A prayer of sorts. Oh Lord, I am so prone to leave you. But here's my heart, please take it and seal it to you. Don't let me go. Don't let me go.

Today I find myself in the same mindset, the same prayer echoing out to Him. The song is on repeat in my mind, my heart beating in rhythm with it.

But I am not the same as I was.

At the time I needed to be okay with not knowing.
I was unsure, and terrified of what that meant. And I just needed to breathe, and tell myself over and over again that it was okay to wander, and that no matter where I wandered, I would eventually end up in the right place. I needed to believe that it was okay that my testimony sometimes wavered. I needed to believe that it was okay that sometimes my faith lacked and sometimes I had no idea where I stood with Him.

Today I don't feel that.
My testimony no longer wavers like it used to. I don't have days where I think God must not be real. I do still struggle with my faith in timing, but it's no longer that I worry He won't take care of me but more that I worry that I won't take care of myself.

So here I am 3 years later singing the same lines, and they have an entirely different meaning.
I am so prone to wander, as we all are. But I can no longer wander aimlessly. I no longer believe that wandering will get me were I am supposed to be. There needs to be a path. A direction I am heading. And I need to know where I face.

We are so prone to wander. We are so prone to leave. It is our nature to second guess, to doubt, to be so, so scared of what is to come.
And that is okay. Really.
It is okay if you are still wandering right now, or if you wander around for years. If it takes you a while to figure out what the heck is going on, that's fine.
But eventually you need to stop and look at the direction you're facing and make sure it's where you want to end up. And if it's not, turn around and wander some more until you find the right one. But don't wander forever. Don't let your natural instincts take over and waste your life away. What we are prone to do is not always what we are meant to do.

I am prone to wander, and I am always finding myself wandering a little bit. But I know now where I am heading. And that is the best knowledge I have ever had.