Who am I? Memory 5.

Never ever saw it coming at all. 

It's alright... No one's got it all.

I'm sitting in the car. 
I'm waiting patiently for him to walk to the other side so we can drive home. 
We're quiet. He's always quiet. I'm always talking. 
"Look at the sky flash. I didn't know it did that." 
"It's because of the airport." 
"Oh.... Look at the stars. Aren't they beautiful tonight? I love it." 
"Sure." 
"I don't want to go home." 
"I don't want to take you home." 
"I love this song." 
"Okay, I'll make you a cd." 
"Wonderful. Please don't leave me." 
"Never."
"I want to keep you." 
"How long?" 
"As long as you want me." 
"Always." 


I'm standing in the doorway. 
My heart is screaming and begging and wondering why he is leaving. When did he change his mind? How did forever pass so quickly?


I'm standing under the stairs. 
For a second I feel as if this might be the rest of my life.
I feel whole. I feel like the world is mine. I feel like this is it.
And then I feel crushed. 
"200 books." 
"How many so far?" 
"9." 
This can't be my life. I can't be destines to have this. There has to be more. I need more. 
This can't be my life.  I never wanted this. 
I'm sitting under the stairs and for a second I feel like this is my future. That this is my life. This is the rest of my life. 
And there's no way out. 
I think of it in those terms and suddenly I can't shake the thought that I shouldn't be thinking of it as having no way out. Those arent the right words I should be using. But I used them. I thought them.

And I can't take them back.

You're getting sadder and sadder and sadder.... If I kiss you where it hurts, will you feel better better better will you feel anything at all?

I'm sitting in the grass. 

The sky is dark and for the first time in a long time, I can stare at the stars. 

My body hurts and I can't breathe and I'm breaking in to small parts. Opening old wounds as I allow myself to remember.

I'm on the couch. 

"I won't love again after this." 

"I prayed about it. We aren't meant to be together anymore."

"I love you so much." 

"This is really goodbye now." 

"I'll miss you." 

Some days aren't your's at all.

No alarms and no surprises.