How to feel... Peace.

I just typed out this whole blog about death. 

I just typed out this whole blog about cemeteries and loss and life. 

And then I highlighted it and pressed backspace. 

I thought typing it would make me feel better.
Then I realized how shallow words feel right now. 

So then I thought erasing it would make me feel better.
Then I realized how badly I needed to post something, anything. 

So I'm typing this. 

And I don't have a lot to say. I already said it all in my post that I backspaced. 

I'm reminded of standing in front of a crowd of people. 

"For in this very room, there is enough love for all of us." 

I'm reminded of heartache and thoughts of an afterlife. 

I'm reminded of friends and love and the way people walk. 

I'm reminded of smells and laughter and moments shared. 

I'm reminded of life. 

And what it feels like to be alive. 

And what it feels like to realize someone isn't alive. 

I'm reminded how fleeting everything is. 

And how close we are to being in our Heavenly Father's arms again. 

For a moment I feel heartache for the people who are gone. 

My aunt. My grandpa. My dear friend. 

So many others. 

For a moment I feel loss. 

But then I feel...

Almost jealous. 

Not of death, I don't want to die. 

But of peace. 

Of being so close to our Father. 

Of understanding finally. 

Of being with loved ones once again. 

For a moment I feel sadness enter the room. 

And then for a much larger moment, I feel gratitude. 

Gratitude for the things I learn from others. 

The relationships I gain with others. 

The memories I have with others. 

I'm reminded of a plan. 

And I'm reminded of agreeing to said plan. 

Agreeing to heartache. 

Agreeing to trials. 

Agreeing to loss. 

Agreeing to life. 

I'm reminded of a plan.

And so I pray. 

Not for myself. This isn't my heartache this time. Not really.

But for my friends. 

For the people my heart refuses to forget. 

And for a moment, 

I feel peace. 

"Everything happens for a reason," they say. 

And for a moment...

I believe them.