How to remember.

It's late. 

The computer is on and I'm surfing Facebook mindlessly like usual. 

My pillow is propped behind my back as I sit cross-legged on my bed, all dressed in my pajamas. I should be asleep. 

I'm not asleep. I'm not going to sleep at all. But I didn't know that then. 

I thought my night would proceed like normal. I'd come home from a date, sit back on my bed, text my boyfriend to make sure he made it home safe, get on Facebook for about an hour, then fall asleep quietly and happily. Normal. 

It wasn't normal. Normal is when everything stays the way it's been for years. Normal is when people in your past continue posting statuses so you can "like" them and stay distantly connected. Normal is when people at the age of 18 aren't dying. Normal is when death is at least expected. 

It wasn't normal at all. 

I'll admit I've lived a sheltered life when it comes to death. 

My grandpa died when my dad was still in High School, and since then, no one in my family has died. My other grandpa was told he would die a long time ago, and he's alive. My grandma is one of the most youthful ladies I know. And my other grandma is 93 and in perfect health. I lost an aunt when I was in 3rd grade, but that's it. I have all my other aunts and uncles. I have all my cousins. I have all my friends. Death has always been surreal. Out of reach. Not really close to me at all. 

This one shouldn't have been as close to me as it was. I will also admit that. It wasn't like he was my best friend. It wasn't like I saw him often, or ever really. It wasn't like we talked anymore. We would just occasionally "like" each other's facebook statuses, mayyybe comment, and then go on with our completely separate lives. In all actuality, it probably shouldn't have left such a lasting effect on my life. I probably should have seen it, cried a little, and then forgot or moved on easily. 

It's probably just because I'm so new to this. So new to the idea that things like that actually happen. So new to realizing that I'm not untouchable, I'm not invincible. So new to the idea that this is really just the first of many. 

It's been a year now. I've written about him before, back in May. But I dunno if I'll ever really stop writing about him in some way. 

I thought about writing this yesterday, but it didn't feel right to me because I didn't know until the next day. This way, today, I can say that for a year, my entire life has been different. The way I think. The way I talk to other people. My opinions. What I stand for. Everything. It feels as if it all started to change a year ago. 

So, Ryan, we miss you. I'll send a balloon off for you tomorrow with your friends and family. 

I'm sitting on my bed. 

"I'll be okay, Maren." 

"Everything happens for a reason." 

"I'm here for you." 

"We're you very close to him?" 

"How could this happen?" 

"Don't let it depress you too much." 

"It'll be okay, Maren." 

I'm typing. I'm talking. I'm crying. I know that things will be different now. I'm not sure exactly how different yet though, I had no idea. 

Run, Maren. Don't let this change everything. And it will. Run. Get out. Run faster. 

That's what I'd tell myself if I could. 

Turn off the computer. Maybe then it won't be real. It can't be real if you never read it. 

Don't ask for comfort. It will ruin everything. Bottle it in. Run.

"I need you. For the first time, I really really need you and I've never asked for this before. Why can't you just be there for me this once?"

"I'm sorry."

One year.