How to be honest.

"Maybe I've lost it at last. Maybe my last lucid moment has passed." 


If I tried to tell you how often I opened this screen and just sat here instead of writing something worth reading, you'd probably think I'm a sad, pathetic person. 
Like, really. I sit here. I type something. Then I sit here and stare at it. Then I delete it all. And then I repeat until finally I decide it's time to sleep. 
Tonight, I feel like it's time to sleep. Actually, I felt like it was time to sleep about... 3 hours ago. 
And who knows if I will actually even post this. Odds are against me, my friends. 


It's been... one hell of a week. 
I won't go in to details. But I'm just so extremely happy it's over. I'm just a little sad the weekend is over too. 
But this week got me thinking alot. 


"There's a plan for you."
"It will happen, I promise." 
"Something better is coming for you."
"Don't stress." 


Can I say something? 
I don't believe you. I don't really believe any of you. 
I mean, it's a nice idea. It's a wonderfully nice idea to think that everything is going to work out in the end for your happiness. It's a nice idea that something better than what you had before and lost is going to come along. It's a nice idea. 
But that's all it really is. It's a nice idea that we tell people when they are sad to get them to shut up. 
Because, you know what, the truth is that we never really know. 
You don't know that the future is bright for me. You don't know that. 
You don't know that something better is going to come along. You don't know that. 
What if that doesn't happen? 
What if the best thing I will ever have is in my past? 
What if I'm going to spend my life with something just not as good as what I had before? 


You know, for once I just wish people would be honest with us. 
I wish someone would say "Honestly, I don't know that this is going to get better. And if it does, it may not be any time soon. This might always suck."
I'd like that. 
I'd like the honesty. And I'd like the reality of it all. 


I'm worried we set ourselves up for disappointment. I'm worried we tell ourselves things are going to get better too often, and then we expect it. We expect the world to work for us. Because everyone tells us it will. 
It's not going to guys, this might always suck. 


But here's the thing. 
If you know you have a God that loves you, then what are you scared of? 


Sometimes, my heart hurts so much that I can barely convince myself that getting out of bed is a good idea.
And to be honest, I do not know that is going to go away. 
I do NOT know that this is okay and something better is coming along. 
What I do know, however, is that my God loves me. And he's not going to leave me in pain. 
Maybe for the rest of my life I will have those days that I wake up, think about the things that suck right now in 2012, and maybe I won't want to get out of bed. 
But that is not all my life is. My life is not just from one horrible moment to the next. 
My life is a collection of beautiful moments with the occasional shitty one. 
And your's is too. 
Maybe whatever sucks now is never going to stop sucking. Maybe what you will have later will just be something a step down from what you had before. 
But that doesn't mean that the life you're going to live is going to suck completely. 
Your God loves you, and He won't leave you in pain. 
You've got nothing to be scared of.