How to realize I'm not happy.

So this is where I face the reality that I'm not happy. 

Which is pretty effing annoying. 

I was doing so good. Figuring things out. But I was lonely. Then someone very wonderful came along and stopped the lonely feeling and I leaned on him. But I wasn't happy. I'm not happy. It just caused stress on both of us because I'm too heavy for him to support me leaning on him and his own life at the same time.
So this is where I face the reality that I'm not happy. 

And this is where I figure out how to fix it. 

No more pretending. I'm going to BE. 

Goal time? Darn. I guess so. 

I'll figure it out. And then I'll let you know what they are. 

For now... I'm gonna go pray till I fall asleep. That's what I need.

How to feel discouraged.

Sometimes I want to scream. 

I want to stand on top of the highest building and scream as loud as possible. 

And it's in those moments that I crawl in bed and lay quietly. Barely even breathing.

I don't know what causes it. Maybe it's being stuck inside so much. Maybe it's working a boring job. Maybe it's the fact that I feel like I'm writing for no one. Maybe it's because I don't know at all where I'm going next. Maybe it's because I have nothing at all to write about.

I just stare at this page and feel so empty. Because I have nothing to say. Nothing worth saying. Nothing you want to read. Nothing people will talk about. Nothing that will move people to tears. Nothing that will change the world. Nothing that will even change the way someone thinks. Nothing worth reading. 

Maybe that's all I am. 

Nothing worth reading. 

Sometimes I want to scream.

How to pick up the pieces.

I read somewhere that we should write letters to ourselves in the past. 

If you could write a letter to you when you were 5, what would you say? What advice would you give? 

I don't know if I would say anything to me when I was younger. Besides "It get's harder. Just you wait and see how much worse it gets. Smile now because when your older, you won't."

Other than that, I don't know if I have anything to say to little me. 

A year ago, 18 year old me had no idea. And I wish I could write a letter to me then. I wish I could tell me everything that's about to happen. I wish could warn me. 

I read my oldest blogs just now. You know, the ones from before he left. And I felt the strangest feeling. My heart broke for me. It felt like I was reading about someone else and I just wanted to hug her and tell her what was about to happen. I needed to comfort her. And then I realized it was me. And I had this overwhelming feeling that I need to take care of myself. Because I've been broken completely. I'm still in little tiny pieces scattered on the floor. I need to pick myself up now and stop re-breaking me.

I'm so fragile. 

And I don't want to look back in year from now and feel the overwhelming feeling of "I should have been more careful." 

So this is me taking care of myself. 

No more re-breaking. 

Time to put me back together.

How to let people go.

Sometimes, I have the hardest time letting go of people.

You know, for any reason. Whether they move or we having a falling out or they die, I can't do it. I can't accept when people are gone.

And I never have been able to. Maybe that why I've stayed such good friends with my friends who moved. Because I can't let them go. I can't imagine someone I love going on through life without me. Or me going on through life without them.

But lately I've had to let people go. And it feels weird. It feels incredibly weird to see an old friend in the store and to smile and talk awkwardly, but know that there's no longer any connection. It feels weird to see pictures of my friend's who have died and know that I will never see that smile again. It feels weird to get texts from old friends and to try to keep a conversation going but knowing that it's pointless. It feels weird to walk away from people, or to stop talking to people, and feel nothing. 

But I had this realization. 

And it was that God knows what he's doing. Which, you know, should be common knowledge, and on some level it was. But it really hit me last night. Because the people that I've needed are still here. Maybe the people leaving have simply served their purpose.
And sometimes I love these people more than anything. So it's super hard to let them go. Because I wanna be with them. I want to make sure they are safe. 

But if they needed me, they'd still be here. 

So maybe, we are all going to be okay. 

Whether we have the people we miss or not. 

Either way, we have the people we need. 

And all of us are going to be okay.

And it's a lot easier to let people go when you know they are in hands of God.

How to pick a fabulous Book! "My Boyfriend Wrote a Book About Me" Review!

So this is something I've been wanted to do since school got out, but I've been far too lazy to actually sit down and do it and hadn't read anything that made me actually have the drive to do this. So I pretty much just said "screw it" to the idea. Until about 2 weeks ago when I picked up the most fabulous book. 

I was walking through Barnes and Nobel and went book hungry. I spent a little over $200 on books that week... So, expect more and more book reviews this summer! 

But, as I walked through the store, I stopped and went through their "New releases" table, needing a good book to pick up and start my book addiction! And wow was I lucky when I picked up this fabulous book. 

My Boyfriend Wrote a Book About Me written by Hilary Winston was absolutely fantastic from the the cover of the book right down to the structure of the paragraphs. 

I knew this was the book for from the second I read the first like on the back of her book: "This book is dedicated to anyone who has ever had their heart broken." And as I read it I quickly found those words to be absolutely true. 

This book wasn't written for just the heart broken people who get over it in a week. Or for the people (like me) who take months and months to get over love. Or for the people who become overwhelmingly depressed after a break up. Or for the people who take the high road and find the good in a break up. This book was written for everyone. If your heart has been broken, or even slightly beaten up a little, this book was written for you. 

Hilary Winston approaches her book with a whole new outlook on things. Heartbroken with happiness. Depression with humor. It's as if Winston took of all of the awful feelings of loneliness and heartbreak and then hid them under these fabulous stories that will make you smile. The emotions are right there to touch and to understand  and to relate to, but not so much as to overwhelm and depress you. Just enough to make you feel not so very alone. 

If asked what book I would recommend for someone to read, it would be this. Although, as a warning, there are some... "embarrassing" parts in it, as a lady I know would like to say. It is not the more "pure" book out there, but it's real. It's something I wouldn't suggest to my mom, but something I'm eternally happy I didn't miss out on. 

So go buy it. :) promise you'll love it. 

You can buy it here.

Enjoy!

How to watch your dreams fall apart.

I decided I wanted to write in 4th grade. 

We'd write those stories about what would happen if you were at school and you open a door and there was a skeleton in there. And I'd take them up to my teacher for grading and she'd tell me how wonderful it was. And everyone on my group table would get B's and I'd always have an A. I remember feeling so good and wanting to show everyone. And then I won the Young Authors award. I went to the convention thing and loved every second and decided that I needed to keep writing. I knew I was good at it. 

So from then on when people asked what I wanted to do, my answer was write. 

It even feels good to say. People ask what I'm majoring in and  when I say, "creative writing," itjust feels good. It rolls of the tongue so well.  

And I undeniably am passionate about it. Because nothing in the entire world feels better than writing something I'm proud of. 

But here I am. 

One step away from not writing in this blog anymore. 

It feels like I'm holding on to a worthless dream. 

Because, really, who cares?
I'll never be like Gala Darling. I don't have enough time. Or passion. Or knowledge. And I'm not a fashion blogger. And let's face it, only fashion bloggers get big. 

I just don't have that. 

I'm just a girl sitting on a bed who cries too much and can't let go of the past and sometimes blogs about it. Hoping that someone else needs to read what I have to write. 

And it's just a dream. 

A dream that I lack ability to make come true.

How to be assured that families are forever.

Wanna see what I love most? 

I love kids running on trampolines trying to play duck duck goose but instead saying "I like you. I like you. I LOVE you. I HATE YOU!" apparently goose is code for "I hate you."

I love little girls trying to drink out of a pop can that's just slightly smaller than her head. The best part of this picture is the part that you can't see, and that's the part where we hunted for a bug for a half an hour and then she smooshed with her two fingers just so she could have time to get a drink of pop instead of watching her bug. 

I love these smiles. I love the laughing and smiling and giggling and games and love. This right here is innocence at its best. 

I love the thought process behind this. I love how she just threw herself back carelessly. I love that she is small enough to do this.

I love how absolutely beautiful she looks without trying. Without makeup. Without a pose. Without even knowing shes getting her picture taken. I love thinking that maybe she will stay like that. Maybe she will always know she's beautiful.

I love this precious moment. This sweet little baby and her grandpa. My big strong uncle and his so fragile granddaughter.

Also, I just really love this picture cuz it shows just HOW tired my family was after hosting the first big holiday party of the year so far. He fell asleep with a Popsicle in his mouth this morning. How funny. :) 

See, that's what I love the most. Out of anything in the entire world. 

I love that my family is going to be together forever. 

I love that those little kids are going to grow up and I'm gonna be able to see what they become. I love that no matter what happens, I'm sealed to them. This big huge family of mine that's constantly growing. 

I love the sweet hugs from these kids. I love singing the ABC's. I love pulling them in wagons. I love holding them while watching fireworks. I love picking out books for them to read. I love kissing their knees when they fall down. I love taking them to the bathroom. I love listening to their stories. I love letting them type on my phone. I love when they tell me they love me. 

This is what I love most. 

This family. My family. 

My completely eternal family.