How to feel alive.

"And I feel alive. Feel alive." 

We whisper the words back, growing anticipation when the words come to an end.

"And I feel alive. Feel alive." 

We grow a little louder, desperately filling the silence with our voices.

"And I feel alive. Feel alive!" 

No longer a whisper, just a little above normal talking range.

"And I feel alive! Feel alive!" 

Yelling now. 

"AND I FEEL ALIVE! FEEL ALIVE!" 

And as I scream the words in to a dark room full of hundreds of other people, I feel, for the first time in over a year, alive.

How to have the most beautiful, ugly day.

You know what today was? 
It was a lie. 
I woke up late. Which was beautiful. Didn't look outside at all, made some plans, showered, and tried to decide one what shoes to wear. 
I looked at my phone's weather app, which is usually incredibly accurate, surprisingly so, and it told me it was currently 39 degrees and raining, but the high for the day was supposed to be 54 and the rain was due to stop by 1:30. I thought to myself "Oh I don't need to find socks and put on my boots, I will wear flip flops!" 
This was a terrible idea. 
I went downstairs to leave, and saw the rain. My sister looked at my shoes and made fun of me a bit, and that was when I realized I had to be stubborn and stick with those shoes because I didn't want my sister to be right. 
So I walked out in to the slushy rain weather and prayed it would warm up. 
It didn't.
So this is when I thought "Oh, no big deal, I'll be inside most the day anyway." 
I wasn't. 
We went to lunch then to my friends then to The Donut then to Walmart then back to her house then to pizza then back once again to her house then home. 
There was a lot of outside time. 
And of course, instead of warming up at all like my phone promised it would, it began snowing. 
I was a little bit miserable. 
I like to be warm. I especially like my feet to be warm. And I like not being lied to by my phone. 
And after we have been having such nice weather lately, this weather made me want to curl up in a ball and watch depressing movies all day anyway. 
It was an ugly day, basically. 
The snow wasn't even pretty snow. It was dirty, wet snow that made my car windows hard to see through because it was all caked in this muddy snow like substance. 
It was wet and gross and muddy and cold and my toes were frozen. 
So the day ended and I drove my friend home. I was about to go down the hill to my house after dropping her off when I realized it had been way too long since I had driven up to the top of Summit and looked at the city (which is the most beautiful thing about living here, I'm convinced). So I began to drive. 
I got up there, turned around, and then I saw Pocatello. 
I wish I had the talent to show you what it was like. 
If I was an artist, I would paint it for you. If I was any good at photography, I would have taken a picture for you. If I could write music, I would play you a song that would make you feel what it looked like to me. 
But all I have are these words that I have to use to explain how the clouds hugged the city. How they lit up from all our light. How the fog made everything blend together in the most beautiful colors. How there was this patch of clear sky in between the clouds in the city and the clouds in the sky, and the stars shined so beautifully through it. How it made me feel so small. How it made me feel so blessed. How it made the storm suddenly seem beautiful to me. And never could I express that with words like I wish I could. 
Today was an ugly day. It came with an ugly storm and ugly snow and ugly cold and ugly feelings. 
But it came with the most beautiful night. 
I have driven up there more times than I could count, and never have I seen such a beautiful night. 
I always hear about life's "storms" and how eventually they pass, because it can't rain forever and blah blah blah. 
But I had  never realized how beautiful a storm can leave things. 
Yes, storms pass. Yes, the sun will come out again. Yes, it stops raining or snowing or whatever. That's all fine and dandy. 
But sometimes, right after the storm and the ugliest days, the most beautiful nights come from it. 
I don't think they tell us that enough.

How to be.

It's past midnight. 

I'm laying in bed, and I want to sleep. 

It starts in my heart. 

It starts with a skip in the beat. 

It flows through the rest of me quickly. It doesn't take long. Before I know it, I can't see. 

The room is full of darkness of the densest kind.  The kind that makes it so you can't see past your nose. 

I know my alarm is on. The light should be showing from it, but it seems to have suffocated. And I'm next. 

"If you loved me, you'd stay." 

I hear this voice echoing in my head for the thousandth time as my heart breaks for the 365th time. 

I do not count days in hours, but by the moments that pass between my heart breaking. It just seems to work with everyone else's length of day as well. Usually. 

I cry. 

I cry for what I lost. 

I cry for the love I had in my hands but accidentally lost grip of. I watched as it started to slip out and I went to grab for it a little too late and ended up falling in the process. Dropping pieces of myself everywhere. Shattering on the ground that he was walking on. I sat in my broken pieces for months. There were pieces cutting deep in to other pieces of me, causing my body to work wrong. 

I cry for my inability to put myself back together right. 

I cry for memories I had to file in to the back, darkest areas of my mind, hoping that they would get lost in the piles of everything I need to forget. 

I cry for the people I couldn't help while I was smothering myself in hatred and loss. 

I cry for the days I wasted crying. 

But mostly I cry for the words I wish I could tell me. 

And while I cry, I dream. 

I dream of finding myself. Not figuratively. I mean seriously, finding 2011 Maren.  I dream of cradling 2011 Maren while she cries. I dream of telling her everything. She's too unsure. 

I want to explain to her everything that is about to happen. I want to tell her of all the moments she will cry in  her car. I want to tell her of all the moments she will decide God must not exist. I want to tell her of all the fights she will have and all of the people she will decide to turn away from. I want to warn her of all the people that will turn away from her. I want to tell her that he won't come back. I want to explain why she shouldn't date someone else that she doesn't ever care about just to get over him. I want to warn her. And then I want to tell her about her wonderful friends. And I want to show her pictures of the Katy Perry concert. And I want to show her music that will make her feel like nothing wrong has ever happened. And I want to whisper inside jokes to  her that she will understand within a few months. And I want to tell her of the 4th of July. And Diamond Rio. And creative writing. And blogging. And Gala Darling. And the women she works with. And the men she will get to stare at. And the movies she will see. And the God that will save her. And I want to tell her it will be better. 

I want to say these things, make her stop crying, and then leave her be to find it out all on her own. 

I cry for the inability to do those things. 

I'm laying in bed. 

It's late. And I want to sleep. 

But, again, it starts in my heart. It starts with a skip in the beat. 

And before I know it, I'm suffocating in darkness. 

I try to catch my breath. 

And I begin to whisper things to myself that I wish I could say to me a year ago. 

"It gets better. It gets better. It gets better..." 

And I know I cannot tell 2011 Maren these things. I know she had to learn on her own. I know. 

But I know I can save 2012 Maren. I know I'm going to be okay. 

And I can breathe again. 

How to remember.

It's late. 

The computer is on and I'm surfing Facebook mindlessly like usual. 

My pillow is propped behind my back as I sit cross-legged on my bed, all dressed in my pajamas. I should be asleep. 

I'm not asleep. I'm not going to sleep at all. But I didn't know that then. 

I thought my night would proceed like normal. I'd come home from a date, sit back on my bed, text my boyfriend to make sure he made it home safe, get on Facebook for about an hour, then fall asleep quietly and happily. Normal. 

It wasn't normal. Normal is when everything stays the way it's been for years. Normal is when people in your past continue posting statuses so you can "like" them and stay distantly connected. Normal is when people at the age of 18 aren't dying. Normal is when death is at least expected. 

It wasn't normal at all. 

I'll admit I've lived a sheltered life when it comes to death. 

My grandpa died when my dad was still in High School, and since then, no one in my family has died. My other grandpa was told he would die a long time ago, and he's alive. My grandma is one of the most youthful ladies I know. And my other grandma is 93 and in perfect health. I lost an aunt when I was in 3rd grade, but that's it. I have all my other aunts and uncles. I have all my cousins. I have all my friends. Death has always been surreal. Out of reach. Not really close to me at all. 

This one shouldn't have been as close to me as it was. I will also admit that. It wasn't like he was my best friend. It wasn't like I saw him often, or ever really. It wasn't like we talked anymore. We would just occasionally "like" each other's facebook statuses, mayyybe comment, and then go on with our completely separate lives. In all actuality, it probably shouldn't have left such a lasting effect on my life. I probably should have seen it, cried a little, and then forgot or moved on easily. 

It's probably just because I'm so new to this. So new to the idea that things like that actually happen. So new to realizing that I'm not untouchable, I'm not invincible. So new to the idea that this is really just the first of many. 

It's been a year now. I've written about him before, back in May. But I dunno if I'll ever really stop writing about him in some way. 

I thought about writing this yesterday, but it didn't feel right to me because I didn't know until the next day. This way, today, I can say that for a year, my entire life has been different. The way I think. The way I talk to other people. My opinions. What I stand for. Everything. It feels as if it all started to change a year ago. 

So, Ryan, we miss you. I'll send a balloon off for you tomorrow with your friends and family. 

I'm sitting on my bed. 

"I'll be okay, Maren." 

"Everything happens for a reason." 

"I'm here for you." 

"We're you very close to him?" 

"How could this happen?" 

"Don't let it depress you too much." 

"It'll be okay, Maren." 

I'm typing. I'm talking. I'm crying. I know that things will be different now. I'm not sure exactly how different yet though, I had no idea. 

Run, Maren. Don't let this change everything. And it will. Run. Get out. Run faster. 

That's what I'd tell myself if I could. 

Turn off the computer. Maybe then it won't be real. It can't be real if you never read it. 

Don't ask for comfort. It will ruin everything. Bottle it in. Run.

"I need you. For the first time, I really really need you and I've never asked for this before. Why can't you just be there for me this once?"

"I'm sorry."

One year.

How to fall.

I'm falling down in the middle of the woods. A branch has stuck out just far enough to catch my foot and I'm falling face first in to the ground. I go to grab someone, and they are gone. I'm falling. I go to grab the trees and they are out of reach. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm standing on the edge of a building. I always see mountains. Maybe I'm on the edge of a mountain that is just square enough to be a building. And I lose my balance. I start to fall. I go to reach out for a friend but I don't know where they went. I'm falling. I try to grab on to the edge of the building but my hands slip. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm standing on the top of the stairs in Rendezvous. I'm looking down to see if I can see feet lying beneath the stairs and someone pushes me. I'm falling. I reach for my friends hand before I'm totally gone, but she took a step back. I'm falling. I go to grab on to the railing but I just put on lotion so I slip. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm standing behind a gas station. There's a gaping hole in the ground. A car has already fallen in. I take one too many steps and suddenly I slip in the dirt. And I'm falling. I try to hold on to grass but it gets pulled out. I'm falling. I try to grab on to the dirt but it only comes with me. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm on a roller coaster. My friends talked me on to it. We reach the top and just before it goes down, I realize my strap isn't on all the way. So I slip out. And I'm suddenly suspended in midair. The roller coaster goes on... And I start to fall. I go to grab on to it before it zooms past me, but it's too late. I'm falling. I'm screaming and trying to grab on to anything. Hoping someone will see me and be there to catch me, but there's no one. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm in an airplane. I'm sitting watching the movie comfortably when someone next to me whispers "Did you realize how fast we are going down?" I look out the window and notice that we are, indeed, falling. I want to scream but I know it is useless. I can not scream loud enough to make the plane stay in the air. I'm falling. I sit tensely back in my chair and continue my movie. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm jogging. Which is weird in the first place because I don't jog. I'm thinking about how proud I am of myself for jogging. I'm smiling and I go to change the song on my ipod. While I look at my ipod I trip on the sidewalk that's slightly higher than the other parts of the sidewalk. I'm falling. I try to lean towards the grass but the force is too strong and I'm falling straight in to the road. I'm falling. A car is coming and I'm falling right in to it's path. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm driving. I go up Summit. I'm sitting there staring at the lights and thinking about how beautiful my life is. On the way down, my breaks go out. I'm trying so hard to press them but my breaks don't work. I'm falling. I go to pull the emergency break, but it isn't there. I'm falling. I have to make a quick decision, in to a house or in to the ditch. I choose the ditch. I'm falling. I go off a little jump and I'm in the air. I'm falling.

And I wake up.

I'm sitting in room full of people. We are laughing. We are playing games. I'm smiling. I'm dancing. I look down at my hands. They are empty. I look around at the smiling, they are all looking away. I'm falling. I say something, I beg to be noticed. They all laugh at their jokes. I'm falling. My head starts pounding. I smile. I stay calm. I ask a question. I'm reaching out for my friends so I have something to grab on to. I'm looking down at the ground to see if there is anyone there who has noticed and is willing to catch me. I sit tensely back in to my chair and continue smiling. I'm falling.

This is where I'm supposed to wake up.

How to... I dunno.

"Our story has three parts: a beginning, a middle, and an end. And although this is the way all stories unfold, I still can't believe that ours didn't go on forever."
"I don't know that love changes. People change. Circumstances change."
-Nicholas Sparks

I didn't have a choice.
The choice was never mine.
It was their's. It's always their's.

How to live through 2011.

"This must be it, welcome to the New Year." 
-Motion City Soundtrack.


Hm. How to start, how to start...
You know, 2011 was... Long. But it went by too fast. 
It started off good. I remember I kept thinking as I danced on that floor surrounded by wonderful people, "This will be my best year yet. I have so much in store for me. This is it. The best year."
Quickly, I realized it would not be my best year. There was arguing. And sliding off the road in the middle of the night. And headaches. And I lost my dear friend Ryan tragically. And then the person I loved most, left. And I felt like everything was falling apart. 
I think it's actually easy to say it was my worst year, so far. 
I've only lived through 19 years and I don't remember about... 5 of them. So it's not hard to pick a best and worse, there's not a whole lot to choose from. 
And if I had to pick, I would definitely say 2011 was my worst year. 
And that's been kind of depressing to me lately. 
I wanted so bad for it to be good. 
But I realized something just a few hours ago, while I was sitting playing rockband with my friends and laughing and having a wodnerful time bringing in the new year...
Just because it was, yes, the worst year so far, doesn't mean it was actually a bad year. 
It wasn't a bad year. 
Yes, a lot of difficult things happened. 
But some beautiful things happened too. 
Just Dance 2. Butterburrs. Rainy days. Scary movies. Reading wonderful books. Harry Potter 7 Part 2. Katy Perry. Diamond Rio. Dashboard Confessional. The Scream movies. High School Musical Marathons. Dinners at Craigos. Temple trips. It's Kind of a Funny Story. Tumblr. Meeting people on tumblr. Just dance 3. Todd. Getting my handcuffs finally. Aubrie getting married. Summer nights. My first year spent completely employed. Swimming. Going to the zoo. Institute. Weird dreams. The professor. Men over the age of 36. Watching the Swan Princess. Tyler is going to Bulgaria! Seeing my cousins. Playing too much Sims. 750 words. Completely the one month challenge. Trying to be crafty. Those lights. My creative writing class. Sex Island. Vanilla Cupcakes. Deep talks with friends. Gala Darling. Radical Self Love Bootcamp. Dying my hair brown. Watching my friends be happy. Advice. Church. My self love bible. Finishing philosophy. Gossip Girl. Desperate housewives. Paranormal Activity 3. Getting my Fafsa money finally. Learning that everything is going to be okay. 


In the end, it wasn't bad. 
It was by far not the best year of my life, and doesn't top the others. 
So yes, it is the worst. 
But I loved it none the less. It was still a beautiful year that packed so much to learn in to it. So much happiness. 
A good friend said to me once "I would be the most ungrateful person in the world if I wasn't happy after everything I have." 
And she was right. 
I really would be the most ungrateful person in the world if I wasn't happy after everything I have. 
It was a beautiful year. It will be a beautiful year. And it is a beautiful life. 


"So let's give it up for the new year."