How to fall in love with sadness.

I'm surrounded by sadness. 

It's as easy to find as air. 

Because I'm breathing it. It over takes everything I do. It runs my brain. It flows through my heart. It keeps me alive. 

Yeah, it's just like air. 

Without, I don't know what I'd do. What would I focus on? What would I breathe? How would I live? 

I've always been like this. 

From day 1 of school, those were the people who came to me. You know the girl crying in the tire at lunch in 3rd grade? Yeah, that's my best friend. The girl who's dad beat her? She called me on average 6 times a day. The girl who drank an entire bottle of nail polish remover in 7th grade? We always talked about books and she claimed I was a best friend. The girl who would make herself so sick with anxiety that she would be gone from school for a month? I told her everything. The boy who tried to jump of a bridge? I was so in love with him. The boy who held a gun up to his head? I cried about him every night for 2 months straight. The girl who cut herself? I think about her daily. The boy who cut, burnt, scarred himself and was scared of the dark? I've never been more in love before. 

That's me. That who I am. 

It's always been me. Those people come to me. They are attracted to me. 

Or maybe they aren't. Maybe it's always been me surrounding myself with people like them. 

Maybe I can't get enough of it. 

For 6 months I lived it every day. And before that, I was around it constantly too. But those 6 months it was every day, every second, and it was different. I was in love with it. 

I loved the way it felt to be in love with him. Everything about it. And in turn, I fell in love with sadness. 

It was in every kiss. 

It was in every hug and night spent on the couch. It was in every minute under the stairs. It was in every 20 minute drive home at night. It was in every touch. Every word. Every heart beat. 

How could I not fall in love with it? 

When he left, sadness didn't leave. But I wanted it to. It was so connected to him. I wanted nothing to do with him. I didn't want to remember how in love I was. But there it was. All that sadness connected to all that love. 

So I stopped surrounding myself with it. 

People who could always come to me for advice stopped coming because all I could even say was "That's life." 

Because that was life to me. Sadness was life. I don't know what else people wanted me to say. "It get's better"? I didn't know that. 

So they left. 

And I was left to sit in sadness and remember him. 

Then the weirdest thing happened. 

I realized I'm not as sad anymore. Sadness left. 

But I need it back. 

I've gotta have it back. 

I'm in love with sadness. 

It's the air I breathe and suddenly I realized I'm sitting alone in a room playing Sims and I'm running out of air. 

My own sadness doesn't do it anymore. 

I need to be around those people. 

It's why I've always fallen in love with those people. Because sadness feels good. 

Without it, where would we be? 

We wouldn't be happy. 

Sadness feels good because then happy can happen. 

I'm quickly running out of sadness which means I'm running out of happiness. And numb doesn't bode well with me. 

So that's my realization. 

That's what is missing. 

I miss having people who need me and cry to me and tell me everything. I need that sadness back. Or I've got nothing.

How to take a break.

I'm going to be so extremely exhausted tomorrow. 

But right now, I've got to write. 

Because the truth is, I don't really feel any better. 

Isn't that the strangest thing? I fixed a few of my issues. I got my friends back. I have this amazing guy who cares about me. I have a good job. It's warm outside. Things are looking up. 

But the truth is, I don't really feel any better. 

There is something so extremely missing. What is it? What am I missing? What am I supposed to be doing? 

I felt so on track before. What happened? What changed? 

I need.... 

"I just need a little time so I can find myself again." 

Thank Motion City Soundtrack. That IS what I need.

How to love Thursday. Finally

"Starting now, I'm starting over."

Well everyone. This is it. 

"This is the first day of my life. Glad I didn't die before I met you." 

Life moves on. And as much as it seems like things are never going to change and things are the way they are... That's not true. Cuz here I am 3 days less than 10 months away from the moment my life changed forever. And I'm not even remotely the same person. 

I've cried and I've laughed and I've loved more than I ever thought possible and I've hurt more than I could possibly describe. 

But life moved on. And thank goodness for that. 

"I hate all the mistakes I make." 

But even though I hate these mistake... Look at where I am now because of them. 

Every bad things works out in the end for the better. 

Every single one. 

:) 

Today I liked alot. 

And right now I'm tired and sick. 

SO my list isn't gonna be great. 

But today I love....

~Today. 6/23/2011. 

~Pottermore. YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

~Stories about Unicorns. 

~Watching season 3 of Boy Meets World. 

~Ghost Whisperer is on Netflix :) 

~Killing people on the Sims. :) mhm. 

~My computer is all better!

~The weather is hot. Like...Take off all your clothes type of hot. 

~My new haircut rocks. 

~Harry Potter 7 part 2 comes out soon!!!! 

~Snow cones. eff yeah. 

~Feeling good. 

:) 

"I like taking time. And I like your mind. And I like when your hand is in my mine."

How to be scared.

My computer lied to me. Said it was an hour earlier than it really is. Which mean, I really shouldn't be writing this right now because I should be sleeping. But yet here I am anyway.

I attempted going back to blonde today. But the idea of it scared me so much that I decided to take it slow and just highlight my way back there. So it looks odd. But I like it.

Things scare me a lot lately.

Like, I'm scared of the dark. And I'm scared of being alone. And I'm scared of weird noises. And I'm scared of love. And I'm scared of sleep. And.... 

You get it. I'm just scared alot now. 

And when I figure out a way to fix it, you know I'll be writing it here in a heart beat. But so far, I've got nothing. 

No words of advice today.
Today, I'm just gonna curl up in a ball and fall asleep scared out of my mind. 

But hey, I'll figure it out. Always do.

How to be good enough.

Maybe you were right all along. 

Maybe I wasn't good enough. 

But here's where you were wrong. 

I tried my damn hardest. Put every part of me in to it. Gave up so many things. Accepted less than I deserved. 

Maybe I wasn't good enough. 

But you were the one who stopped me from trying when I know I could have been. 

So eff that. 

Take a look at me now. 

I wasn't good enough but I sure as hell didn't deserve what happened. 

But guess what. 

I don't look in the mirror anymore and hate what I see. 

I don't lay in bed at night and cry anymore. 

I don't feel like I'm not being taken care of. 

One day I woke up and realized that not eating wasn't healthy. Realized that staring at those rubber bands was just the first step. Realized that I hated everything about me. 

And realized that I couldn't be like that. 

So I wrote and I wrote and I found truth in everything and I fixed me. 

I'm not perfectly healed. 

Sometimes things are alot harder than they seem. 

But wow. Look at me now. 

I know I deserve everything I've ever wanted. 

And I know I'm good enough. 

How to remember pain and then move on.

"I hate not being a part of something... I just stood there, pretending I didn't notice no one was there to see me."

"I've never been in so much darkness." 

"Love is painful."

"I'm sick of perfection." 

"I can't stand not being loved." 

"I don't know how to say goodbye." 

"...How can I let you go?..." 

"Life is complicated, stressful, and confusing."

"Nothing has ever hurt this bad. I wish there was some way to stop this." 

"I can't be here anymore." 

"I think I may have messed up everything." 

"Broken again."

"I wish I could breathe."

"For some reason, I can't figure out who I am anymore." 

"I was blind. I am blind. I will remain blind." 

"Emotionally and physically and mentally drained." 

"I miss the feeling of never having to say goodbye."

"Will they all eventually leave me, too?" 

"Secretly, I feel like something is wrong with me. Like, so seriously wrong." 

"Time is passing too fast and I don't know where I'm going anymore." 

I read through my old journal today. These were the lines that stood out to me. 

When I read them it was like, oh my gosh. I remember that feeling and that feeling and that feeling... 

It was like all of those feelings were brought back to the surface. They were right there... within reaching distance. And for a second I reached out to them and touched them. Felt them all again. Realized how real they were to me. 

Some of these were from a long time ago. More than half are from Freshman and Sophomore year. And then the others are almost all from junior year. I quit writing in it a little over a year ago. 

These emotions were so.... there. There was no, "hu. I don't remember that feeling..." while reading it. It was like, "oh. wow. I forgot how bad that hurt." 

And it was such small issues. Like, I missed the play I had just finished. Or I fought with my family. Or... You know, all of those small things that don't matter any more. 

And theres the kicker. 

They don't matter anymore. 

I reached out and touched these feelings again. 

I remembered and felt them and relived them. 

And then... I moved on. Because it's over. And so many of them I've been over for years. 

See, being over something doesn't mean you can't still feel the pain it brought you. 

Sometime you can still feel it a thousand times over and over. Sometimes it will make you break down and say stupid things that you don't mean. Sometimes it will surround you and take over. 

But it's over. You move on anyway. 

You move on, and sometimes it'll catch up to you and you'll reach out to it and touch it again and feel it. And then you move on again. Because you have no other choice but to move on. 

Don't let pain stop you. 

You are stronger than that. 

A few years from now, that pain will be gone completely and you'll have forgotten all about what caused it. 

For now, you will learn from it and then move on and then learn from it again and then move on again. 

Life will work out. 

If you could look back on your life and see all the times you thought you were going through the hardest time of your life, you'd be amazed and how easily they all worked out to bring you to exactly where you are now. 

So look at your life now like that. 

If I hadn't gone through these last few months, I wouldn't be talking to one of the greatest people I know now. I wouldn't be anywhere near the person I am now. 

And this is who I need to be and where I need to be. 

Everything that happens takes you to where you need to be. Remember that. 

And move on. 

How to love Thursday.

I didn't write a TILT list last week and should have... It's amazing how much it effects how I feel for the whole next week.

Last night, I woke up every 20 minutes from this cold/allergies. I had a fever at about 4 in the morning and I wanted to die. But I got up for work 3 hours later and went on with my day anyway.

I haven't been in the best mood. Honestly, I kinda feel like crap.

My room is a mess and I'm so tired and I wish I could breathe out of my nose.

But here's my realization.

None of that matters.

Because no matter how awful things seem right now, it's going to change.

That's life.

Just when you think things are the way they are, they change on you.

Nothing can stay bad all the time. Life is always changing.

It's funny how as time passes, things we care about soo much seem to matter less to us. And things we didn't care about at all are suddenly everything to us.

Today, I am happy that things change.

How bland of a life would it be to just stay the same always?

I love that tomorrow it may rain or snow or be perfect weather. And then the next day will be completely different.

:)

So here's my list.

Today I love...

~Spending a lot of money on books. How effing awesome.

~Working part time.

~Spending hours talking to this fabulous person.

~Snow cones. (I have a feeling this is gonna be on my list a lot this summer.)

~Frozen Yogurt! its the new big thing. :)

~Tumblr. I would post my link to it, but that's much more private. Doesn't mean I love it any less :)

~Watching a lot of Boy Meets World. I swear, its even better now than it was when I was little!

~Going to see one of my best friends this weekend up at college!! so excited.

So yeah. That's my list. Now I'm going to go take a shower and then lay in bed and hopefully sleep for hours. :)

I hope you all love Today. And if you don't, just wait. One day you will love Today again. Promise.