How to fall in love with sadness.

I'm surrounded by sadness. 

It's as easy to find as air. 

Because I'm breathing it. It over takes everything I do. It runs my brain. It flows through my heart. It keeps me alive. 

Yeah, it's just like air. 

Without, I don't know what I'd do. What would I focus on? What would I breathe? How would I live? 

I've always been like this. 

From day 1 of school, those were the people who came to me. You know the girl crying in the tire at lunch in 3rd grade? Yeah, that's my best friend. The girl who's dad beat her? She called me on average 6 times a day. The girl who drank an entire bottle of nail polish remover in 7th grade? We always talked about books and she claimed I was a best friend. The girl who would make herself so sick with anxiety that she would be gone from school for a month? I told her everything. The boy who tried to jump of a bridge? I was so in love with him. The boy who held a gun up to his head? I cried about him every night for 2 months straight. The girl who cut herself? I think about her daily. The boy who cut, burnt, scarred himself and was scared of the dark? I've never been more in love before. 

That's me. That who I am. 

It's always been me. Those people come to me. They are attracted to me. 

Or maybe they aren't. Maybe it's always been me surrounding myself with people like them. 

Maybe I can't get enough of it. 

For 6 months I lived it every day. And before that, I was around it constantly too. But those 6 months it was every day, every second, and it was different. I was in love with it. 

I loved the way it felt to be in love with him. Everything about it. And in turn, I fell in love with sadness. 

It was in every kiss. 

It was in every hug and night spent on the couch. It was in every minute under the stairs. It was in every 20 minute drive home at night. It was in every touch. Every word. Every heart beat. 

How could I not fall in love with it? 

When he left, sadness didn't leave. But I wanted it to. It was so connected to him. I wanted nothing to do with him. I didn't want to remember how in love I was. But there it was. All that sadness connected to all that love. 

So I stopped surrounding myself with it. 

People who could always come to me for advice stopped coming because all I could even say was "That's life." 

Because that was life to me. Sadness was life. I don't know what else people wanted me to say. "It get's better"? I didn't know that. 

So they left. 

And I was left to sit in sadness and remember him. 

Then the weirdest thing happened. 

I realized I'm not as sad anymore. Sadness left. 

But I need it back. 

I've gotta have it back. 

I'm in love with sadness. 

It's the air I breathe and suddenly I realized I'm sitting alone in a room playing Sims and I'm running out of air. 

My own sadness doesn't do it anymore. 

I need to be around those people. 

It's why I've always fallen in love with those people. Because sadness feels good. 

Without it, where would we be? 

We wouldn't be happy. 

Sadness feels good because then happy can happen. 

I'm quickly running out of sadness which means I'm running out of happiness. And numb doesn't bode well with me. 

So that's my realization. 

That's what is missing. 

I miss having people who need me and cry to me and tell me everything. I need that sadness back. Or I've got nothing.