How to start a new year.

Happy Birthday to meee....

I don't measure a year from January 1st to January 1st. A year for me is June 8th to June 8th. In my opinion, this starts the year off right. During summer. Not in the middle of winter when seasonal depression is just about to kick in. 

I've never felt so different from one birthday to the next as I do with this one. 

People ask "Do you feel any different?" on a birthday all the time. And its usually just a joke. I answer with "Yeah so old now!" when really I feel no different at all. But this year I really do feel completely different. 

Last year on my birthday, I just remember being extremely happy. I had friends write a story for me and give me candy, which was super thoughtful and I loved it. I had other friends buy me some wonderful fish, Finn, Puck, and Will. I had convinced my family to take me to Craigos for dinner. It was just so good. Newly graduated, everything was looking so bright. I had no idea what was about to happen. 

I spent all last summer playing way to much Sims and getting gradually sicker and sicker. I'd wake up and everything would hurt. I felt like I had been working out for hours, when really I had just woken up. I felt sick eating pretty much anything. I spent way too much money on Mountain Dew. I only saw my friends at night and then never get enough sleep. And I was really depressed. I could feel something big about to happen but I really had no idea what was in store for me next or when it would happen. 

One night in July, at about 3 in the morning, I broke down and started praying. I begged that someone would love me. Because everything hurt and I was so lonely. I didn't want to wait. I just wanted to feel like I was going somewhere with my life. 

And 2 weeks later there he was. I started a relationship really having no idea what it required of me. I had no idea what I was getting myself in to. And for a while, it was amazing. 

But I distanced myself from my friends right when I started college. Which was probably when I needed them the most, honestly. Especially with how much baggage and responsibility I had just taken on with entering the relationship. 

I got a job drained me. 

A lot happened. From hours spent under the stairs to nights spent crying to failing classes to falling more and more in love. 

And then it ended and you know what happened after that. This blog happened after that. 

And that was my year. 

I had no idea. 

I was this 18 year old girl who expected great, wonderful things to happen. 

But instead alot of shitty things happened.

And now I'm this 19 year old girl who is completely different. 

But one thing remains constant. I have no idea whats going to happen next. 

Maybe I will spent my summer playing too much Sims and getting really sick again. 

Or maybe I will spend it locked in that little office at work. 

Maybe I will lose more friends. Maybe I will gain more friends. Maybe I will fall in love again. Maybe I will be sitting here engaged by my next birthday. Maybe I will get completely heart broken again. Maybe...

Maybe anything. 

I have this entire year to do... anything.

And I have no idea whats next. 

And sometimes that scares me. 

But mostly, I'm really excited.