"I hate not being a part of something... I just stood there, pretending I didn't notice no one was there to see me."
"I've never been in so much darkness."
"Love is painful."
"I'm sick of perfection."
"I can't stand not being loved."
"I don't know how to say goodbye."
"...How can I let you go?..."
"Life is complicated, stressful, and confusing."
"Nothing has ever hurt this bad. I wish there was some way to stop this."
"I can't be here anymore."
"I think I may have messed up everything."
"Broken again."
"I wish I could breathe."
"For some reason, I can't figure out who I am anymore."
"I was blind. I am blind. I will remain blind."
"Emotionally and physically and mentally drained."
"I miss the feeling of never having to say goodbye."
"Will they all eventually leave me, too?"
"Secretly, I feel like something is wrong with me. Like, so seriously wrong."
"Time is passing too fast and I don't know where I'm going anymore."
I read through my old journal today. These were the lines that stood out to me.
When I read them it was like, oh my gosh. I remember that feeling and that feeling and that feeling...
It was like all of those feelings were brought back to the surface. They were right there... within reaching distance. And for a second I reached out to them and touched them. Felt them all again. Realized how real they were to me.
Some of these were from a long time ago. More than half are from Freshman and Sophomore year. And then the others are almost all from junior year. I quit writing in it a little over a year ago.
These emotions were so.... there. There was no, "hu. I don't remember that feeling..." while reading it. It was like, "oh. wow. I forgot how bad that hurt."
And it was such small issues. Like, I missed the play I had just finished. Or I fought with my family. Or... You know, all of those small things that don't matter any more.
And theres the kicker.
They don't matter anymore.
I reached out and touched these feelings again.
I remembered and felt them and relived them.
And then... I moved on. Because it's over. And so many of them I've been over for years.
See, being over something doesn't mean you can't still feel the pain it brought you.
Sometime you can still feel it a thousand times over and over. Sometimes it will make you break down and say stupid things that you don't mean. Sometimes it will surround you and take over.
But it's over. You move on anyway.
You move on, and sometimes it'll catch up to you and you'll reach out to it and touch it again and feel it. And then you move on again. Because you have no other choice but to move on.
Don't let pain stop you.
You are stronger than that.
A few years from now, that pain will be gone completely and you'll have forgotten all about what caused it.
For now, you will learn from it and then move on and then learn from it again and then move on again.
Life will work out.
If you could look back on your life and see all the times you thought you were going through the hardest time of your life, you'd be amazed and how easily they all worked out to bring you to exactly where you are now.
So look at your life now like that.
If I hadn't gone through these last few months, I wouldn't be talking to one of the greatest people I know now. I wouldn't be anywhere near the person I am now.
And this is who I need to be and where I need to be.
Everything that happens takes you to where you need to be. Remember that.
And move on.
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