How to stop planning things.

“Things never go as planned. You always have to roll with it. I'm about as ready as I'm going to get. However ready that is, we'll find out. I don't have the answers for you. Nobody does.” - J.P. Losman.

Funny, isn't it, how much we change in just one year. 

You know, I thought about posting a huge long list of the things I've learned this last year and how much has changed. But then... No. Let's do that. I think it sounds fun. 

I am more caring. 

I cry more. 

My main goal in life at the current moment is NOT to get married. 

I learned a lot about bipolar disorder. 

I learned a lot about self injury. 

I started writing more. 

Gained a lot of weight. (gosh dangit)

Lost a lot of friends. 

Made a lot of friends.

Made out a lot. 

Learned to love again.

.... 

No. Screw this. 

I don't want to list what changed and what didn't happen like I wanted. Because it's over. 

6 months with. 6 months without. Funny how that worked out, isn't it? 

Over. This is over. I'm done being mad at the people that hurt me. But I'm also done with them. And I'm done returning to things that hurt. DONE. 

Because it's over. 

I made plans. And I loved my plans so much. And they were really coming together. But I should have known better than to plan. Plans don't happen. God happens. 

I sometimes feel like I make all these beautiful plans and God is just sitting up there laughing quietly to himself and saying "Oh Maren. Just you wait and see what actually is going to happen..." 

Do we deserve the right to be heart broken when our plans don't work out? 

I mean, really, I think we know they aren't going to most the time. 

I think we realize alot of the time, that God probably has a different plan for us. 

But we do it anyway. Like we think we know what is better for us. 

So do we deserve the right to be angry and sad when it doesn't happen? 

Or should we really be a little sad but generally okay because really we knew it was going to happen all along. We set ourselves up for failure. And God is up there saying, "Oh come on guys, when will you learn?" 

When will I learn? 

I don't plan things anymore. 

A year ago almost exactly, someone looked me in the eye while I told them about 24 the movie and asked "So we are going to that together when it comes out in 2 years, right?" 

And I said yes. And I planned around that. 

I used to plan everything. Until they fell through. 

You know, the plan to own a duplex. And to read 200 books. And to go to 24 the movie. And to stay friends forever. 

So now I don't plan even a few days in advance. I'd rather it be spur of the moment. Then it's not crushing when it doesn't happen.
Because I've suddenly learned that I have no control anyway. What's supposed to happen is going to happen. 

So why plan to fall apart? 

My thought process keeps returning to me thinking "A year ago exactly I..." But it's blank after that. 

A year ago exactly I wasn't the same person. 

I was building sand castles with new friends and talking about past experiences. I was signing up for institute classes and worrying about my upcoming date. I was sitting at parks and taking pictures. I was.... 

I just... was. 

And I am. 

Isn't that all that matters anyway? 

Just that we are. 

We're alive and happy and sad and crying and laughing and...  We are. 

Don't be sad. 

In a year, you will barely remember everything anyway. 

So forget about it now. Nothing matters more than just the fact that you are alive. 

And just stop. Just for today. Just stop trying to plan everything. Let it happen. It will, but on it's own time.

Just stop.