How to watch a friend leave.

Have you ever felt your heart shatter in to a thousand pieces? 

It's a suffocating feelings. It's as if someone is sitting on your chest and no matter what you do, you can't breathe correct again. 

I've been "heart broken" a few times. Or, you know, what I called heart broken. 

But I'm learning that once your heart is broken, it can't be broken as easily the next time.

A few months ago I was heart broken the worst. I couldn't eat or sleep or think or smile or laugh or breathe. It was exactly what I had expected to happen. I saw it coming, and it came, and it passed. I expected it. 

But the other day I was sitting in a church building staring at an old friend and my heart broke in a way I've never felt before. And I didn't at all expect it. It was like, I was there one moment smiling and laughing with him. And then I was there two seconds later watching him fumble around nervously and I couldn't breathe. 

It's an interesting way to explain the feeling. Breaking. 

It sounds cliche really to describe it like that. 

But there I was, and I honestly felt as if I was broken. As if parts of me where falling apart in different directions and hitting the floor and shattering more. 

And then there we were. And he was walking away on the verge of tears while I tried to hug him and rush words of advice as he walked out of my life. 

"Be careful. I love you." As he walked quickly to the door. But then he paused and looked at me and nodded and said he will be and he loves me.

And that's it. 

I've never felt this. 

It's not a romantic loss, whereas all the others had been. It's not like I was in love and lost it. Or anything like that. 

It's like... watching a child take their first steps, but watching them walk away from you instead of to you. 

It's like... the moment after a firework show when all you can see is the outline of the fireworks and your yearning for more. 

It's like... spending hours writing an important paper then watching your computer crash and lose it. 

It's empty. 

It's broken. 

I wish I could give advice. I mean, if you are googling this title, that's what your looking for, isn't it? Advice to tell you how to do something. How to get over it or let it happen or be happy or stop it... 

But I've got nothing. 

Because I'm staring at this screen and thinking about Denny's french fries and intercourse and sexual stimulating things and races to the front seat and dancing and cuddling and that smell and Steve and all those texts. 

I don't have advice today. I'm just here so you aren't alone. So you can read this and know that someone out there has been there, done that. And came out alive. Just like you will. 

Make memories. Keep them close to your heart. Take pictures. But don't let them hold you back.