How to love.

Being as yesterday was Valentines Day, ideas of love are everywhere. 

Proposal stories and pictures are posted on Facebook. Girls are wearing the jewelry their boyfriends bought them. Couples are holding hands. 

It's supposed to be a wonderful holiday, one to celebrate love. But for the people who are single, whata re we celebrating? 

I find that some people celebrated their love for their friends. I myself even got a wonderful present from a wonderful friend yesterday. Some people celebrated their love for their families. Dads drove to colleges to take their daughters out to dinner. And some people didn't celebrate at all. 

For those of us who are single, sometimes it a lot harder to celebrate love when we aren't in it. 

Today, while sitting at school, a group of girls came up to me and asked me a few questions about love, for some survey or something. I allowed them a few minutes and they immediately asked "What is love?"

It brought me back to that wonderful September day that an amazing person once told me the answer. 

Love is a verb. Once you start doing it, you start feeling it. 

They loved that answer. They kept telling me it was the best answer they had heard so far. I wanted to say it wasn't mine, that I had stolen it, but I couldn't bring myself to admit I didn't really believe it anymore.

After they left, I couldn't stop thinking about love. 

Do I really think love is a verb? Yes, you can show love through actions. But is love the action itself? Or is love just a feeling that passes, like it has so many times in my life and in the lives of people all around me?

I started to think about him then. If love was a verb, why did he still tell me he loved me as he walked out the door? He was not showing love at that moment. He was leaving. The words and the action conflicted. 

Throughout our whole relationship, he showed love in extraordinary ways. It was in the thousands of little things he did for me each day that he doesn't even know about. And I tried to show love, too. I know I wasn't very good at it. But I wanted to be so bad. Its just that with all the emotional weight being brought on my shoulders throughout the relationship, it became harder and harder to show love in other actions but to try to hold him up still. So I must have stopped showing it. But I never stopped feeling it. 

But as he walked out that door and told me he loved me, did he love me? Or was he just saying it to make the break easier? 

This morning as I walked to class, I walked by his truck once again. My stuff was gone. 

The other night as I got on Facebook, I realized he had deleted me. 

So as I walked back to my car, I started to put together that he doesn't love me anymore. 

Now, I'm not exactly a complete mess about it. I love him very much, but I suppose it was only a matter of time anyway. 

But while realizing this and trying to accept it, I wanted to cry. There was so much love there, and now its gone. Where did it go? What happened to it? Why did it leave? 

I started to ponder it more. Wondering when he stopped showing love and when he started just saying it. I couldn't place a time. Wanna know why? Because I don't think  he ever did. 

I know its dangerous to tell myself that he still loves me. I don't know if he does, or when he will stop. 

But, while he walked out that door, he was loving me in a way that I couldn't comprehend at that time. If he honestly thought that was the only way, he was leaving for both of us. He was letting me go so I could live a better life. Although I'm going to continue to think he is wrong, maybe that was the only way he knew how to love me at that moment. 

And if I love him, I'd let him go. 

I don't need to be angry at him. I don't need to hold him back. 

Letting go is an action. And verb is an action. Love is a verb. 

Love is letting go. 

"You'll never share your love, until you love yourself, I should know."

Rent speaks it best. 

I need to love myself. 

And if its true, if love is a verb, the only way I'm going to love myself is if I let myself move on. 

I don't exactly know how to do this. But if I'm ever going to love someone else again, I'm going to have to love myself. I need to stop making myself hurt. 

Love is a verb. Now how do I do it after I've been so worn out?

How to trust.

"I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever."

Sometimes that's the hardest part about life. Trust.

Trust that someone won't leave you. Trust that you won't mess everything up. Trust that there is a plan. 

I find that when life is going good, at first I'm immensely appreciative. But as time goes on and life is still going good, I completely forget what it was like when life was bad, and I forget to be thankful. I just expect life to say that way. But as soon as it goes bad, I realize everything I had and realize that I have lost all faith.

Its not so much that I stop believing. It's more that I haven't bothered trying to strengthen that faith at all for a long time, and suddenly when I need it the most, its gone.

Trust is the hardest thing.

Trust that God knows what hes doing. Trust that He has a plan. Trust that He's there. 

How to not give up.

Sometimes I wonder why I write these. Then, the answer seems obvious. It feels good. But if that's my only reason, then why write it in a blog? Why not a journal or something? Why for the world to read?

I think I've decided I do it because I just can't be the only one going through this. And maybe there's someone else out there that needs to read these.Who knows who will stumble upon my humble little blog and find some type of comfort in the words, maybe the same comfort I find in it.

Blog is a weird word. By the way.

It kinda sounds like Blargh. you know, the type of sound people make while throwing up. Maybe it's symbolic.

Anyway. 

Today was bittersweet. I think there will be many bittersweet days to come.

I started fine. Shocked even to wake up and see my hair brown. Blond to brown is a strange transition. 

On my way to church I realized he wasn't going to be there, and I began to pray. Just like I always do now. What else could I do? What else is there for me to do now but to cling to the only one who knows whats going to happen?

As the day went on it gradually got harder and harder. 

I miss him too much. 

Sometimes, I just want to lay in bed and not wake up. Waking up is too hard. I'm so tired. 

But at the same time, I have no choice but to wake up. Because if I don't, I'll be missing out on so much. Like the way the weather is changing. Its finally gradually getting warmer. Or the way my friends are growing, becoming who they will be for the rest of their lives. Things like that. How can I give that up?

Yeah. It gets dark. And the dark is hard to face alone. 

Yeah. There is a lot of pain. That's life. 

But how can you give up all the wonderful things, even if its going to be a while before you have them again, just because of those things?

How can you give up?

How to feel very alone.

Most days in our life are insignificant. After the day passes, chances are we will barely remember it at all. However, when someone leaves, all those days are brought to memory, and its hard to forget them again. 

I'm trying real hard to be okay. And on most days I'm fine. When I'm not alone, I'm fine. Just further reminder that yes, I'm going to be fine. 

But as the days pass it becomes harder and harder to think that everything's going to work out, that God has a plan. It doesn't matter how much I pray or read my scriptures, I'm still getting the feeling that this is wrong. And I still feel completely uneasy about my future. Will I ever find that "right person"? I don't know.

What if I did find that "right person" and it was him? And now that's all ruined? People keep telling me, if he was the right one then he will come back. Well what if I know hes not coming back, but what if he was the right one? Then I'll never find anyone else. 

I know how ridiculous I sound. 

I know how pathetic I sound as well. 

But keep in mind, I have no one comforting me anymore. Friends can only do so much. 

The first week of dealing with this is over. It can only get easier from here on, right? 

I think in some aspects, yes. But in others, no. I don't know when I will ever stop worrying about him. And I think the longer I go without him, the worse the worrying will get. 

But, I guess that will pass as well. It has to. 

Well, I'm off to church. Maybe I'll feel good there. I will post again tonight, no doubt.

How to lose your mind.

"It's not supposed to be this way, I'm so far from okay."

Only 4 and I have to write again.

Apparently weekends are going to be the hardest. Eff.

I don't think I can do this anymore. It  hurts to breathe. It hurts to look in the mirror. It hurts to close my eyes. It hurts to open my eyes. It hurts to move. It hurts to go anywhere. It hurts just to be here.

I don't know what to do.

It doesn't make sense. This obviously isn't the best thing for either of us. He's not happy. I'm not happy. How is this better?

I didn't even get the chance to try.

I don't want to be here anymore.

How to miss him.

I couldn't write last night. My brother took my computer. I told him yes, thinking I would be okay without writing for just one night. But I wasn't. 

You know whats funny? At the end of the relationship, a little over a week ago, I would have given anything to understand him better so he wouldn't feel the need to leave. I researched stuff and thought it all over and did everything I could just to better understand what hes going through. I guess it wasn't till after we broke up that I have started to get any sort of idea of what he was always telling me about. And, knowing that I still probably don't know the big picture of it, I so wish I had been there for him more. I would have stayed up all night if I had understood. 

I did a stupid thing this morning. I turned on my old cell phone. And read my old text messages. 

They were so loving and happy. It bothered me because I just wanted to know where it went wrong, when things started changing between us. And I placed it. The suicide. About a month ago. 

If I could change that night, I would. Everything about it. My friend wouldn't have killed himself and nothing bad would have ever happened in our relationship. See, I know that's not true, bad things would have still happened. But I can't help but feeling like he'd still be here if that night hadn't happened.

In a few hours its been a week since he left. 

And I want to beg him to come back.

But I can't. 

I can't help but wonder if he even hurts. If he misses me at all. If he wishes he could come back. If he needs me as much as I need him. If he's sleeping again yet.

I feel like there's all this love bottled up in me now. No way to get out. If I could give it to him, I would. I'd drive to him right now and then never stop loving him.

This weekend is hard. 

A lot harder than I expected it to be.

And I've never wanted so much to just be in his arms.

How to be always okay.

Tomorrow I begin eating regular meals again. 

Now, I can't promise they will be big meals, but at least it will be something. 

I woke up this morning terribly sick. I couldn't stand up. My nose wouldn't stop bleeding. Even just opening my eyes made me dizzy. And I knew it was because of how little I've eaten this last week. 

A week. Wow. Tomorrow its been a week since I stopped eating. That's the longest I've ever gone. Provided that I've eaten a small amount within that time. But still. By far the longest I've ever made it.

Here's my thoughts of the day. 

I always sympathized with Bella. You know, from Twilight. This idea of true love and them wanting to do everything for you. Then he left. 

When I read this I was so sad for her. The months passed by and she couldn't function. And I always imagined that's how I would be too if it happened to me. 

Now lets take out the ridiculous part about vampires and such and view the story from there.

Girl meets boy. Girl is fascinated by boy but boy hardly notices her. Boy starts talking to her. They fall in love. Boy brings a lot of baggage in to relationship. Girl is willing to accept all of it because she loves him. Boy hurts girl a few times. Boy is scared of hurting girl more. Boy tries to leave, believing it is the best thing to do for girl. Boy sees no way of making it work. Boy tries to leave and girl won't accept it. Boy finally tells girl that she isn't good enough and leaves. Girl is heartbroken. 

Hu. Sounds familiar. 

Now, being the girl in this situation, I finally can put Bella's heartbreak in to perspective.

Yes. It hurts. Like, really effing bad. And it is really hard to go back to friends and ask for their help after being gone from them for so long. And even every day tasks seem to take a huge amount of effort. 

But honestly, Bella was pathetic. She couldn't move on. She was killing herself. Making herself miserable. 

I'm going to be sad about it for a while. I get that. But at least I understand how pathetic is too pathetic. I'm not going to sit and mope around. I'll never be okay if that's what I do.

So now, I have no sympathy for Bella. 

I saw him today. Sitting by my class. It didn't hurt as bad as I expected it to. The only part that hurt was looking at how miserable he looked and not being able to hold him and tell him its alright. I went and did my homework. Trying to avoid looking at that heartbreaking smile he had on every time I looked at him. But I guess I know him too well. As his body began moving differently, even slight movements, I could see him getting worse. I've never wanted so badly to just hold him. But I couldn't. 

I need him to be happy. Not even happy, actually. I need him to be okay. So I maybe might have sent him a kinda rude message telling him to do things for himself and to stop worrying about everyone and everything else. 

I'm gonna stay. Right here. If he came back, this is where I would be. But if he doesn't come back. That's life. And life always moves on. And there is a plan.

And I'm "always okay."