How to miss him.

I couldn't write last night. My brother took my computer. I told him yes, thinking I would be okay without writing for just one night. But I wasn't. 

You know whats funny? At the end of the relationship, a little over a week ago, I would have given anything to understand him better so he wouldn't feel the need to leave. I researched stuff and thought it all over and did everything I could just to better understand what hes going through. I guess it wasn't till after we broke up that I have started to get any sort of idea of what he was always telling me about. And, knowing that I still probably don't know the big picture of it, I so wish I had been there for him more. I would have stayed up all night if I had understood. 

I did a stupid thing this morning. I turned on my old cell phone. And read my old text messages. 

They were so loving and happy. It bothered me because I just wanted to know where it went wrong, when things started changing between us. And I placed it. The suicide. About a month ago. 

If I could change that night, I would. Everything about it. My friend wouldn't have killed himself and nothing bad would have ever happened in our relationship. See, I know that's not true, bad things would have still happened. But I can't help but feeling like he'd still be here if that night hadn't happened.

In a few hours its been a week since he left. 

And I want to beg him to come back.

But I can't. 

I can't help but wonder if he even hurts. If he misses me at all. If he wishes he could come back. If he needs me as much as I need him. If he's sleeping again yet.

I feel like there's all this love bottled up in me now. No way to get out. If I could give it to him, I would. I'd drive to him right now and then never stop loving him.

This weekend is hard. 

A lot harder than I expected it to be.

And I've never wanted so much to just be in his arms.