Today I woke up, went to school, and walked by his truck. Everything was still in there. It gave me hope. I went throughout the day thinking of ways to get him back. By the time I started talking to him, I was convinced it would work. I had prayed since the moment he left. I had talked and thought it through. It only made sense.
But he didn't come back.
See, I felt as if I showed him how bad it was hurting me, he'd feel the need to come back.
And i tried that for a little while. Until the moment he told me he was worried about me. Suddenly I had to tell him I was fine. We talked a little more and i had to insist that yes, I will be okay.
So I sit here and wonder how exactly I actually feel. Do I hurt? yes. Will I be okay? probably. Do I feel like I will? no. So why did I tell him I'll be okay? Heres the answer. Because I need him to be okay.
This whole relationship has never been about me.
sounds sad. Right? Actually it was really nice. I had someone to take care of. Someone to love. Someone who took such good care of me. Granted, he never knew he was taking such good care of me and I didn't really need him to. It was all about him. I just needed him to be okay. And I still do.
Can he see through my little lie about me being okay? I don't know. But he seemed so relieved to hear it, that I'd fake it any day to make him okay.
Part of me accepts that he is not coming back. And yes, it hurts like hell.
I still can't eat without getting horribly sick. I still wake up at 3 every morning crying. I still shake all the time.
But I'm not dying any time soon so I might as well get used to it.
You know what hurts the worst though? Well, besides lunch time without him. Its looking at the clock at night and thinking that I should be with him right now. Like I was every night for basically the last 5 months. I should be in his arms.
But hey. Maybe one day someone else will come along.
Maybe.
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