How to let go of dreams.

Sometimes I stare at this screen for hours. Just looking. Just trying to decide what to say. I'm wary of saying the wrong thing. I don't want someone to read this and think I'm too dramatic or too sad or too immature or too whatever else. I almost want people to read this and see a side of me they've never seen before. Something they never knew existed.

Sometimes I think about junior year. First few days and I was totally set for life to get better. I was done being sad all the time, summer had been good. There was a new guy in my life. I actually had lines in the musical. I love my English class. Life was going to be good. The day my choir director told me there were going to be Trouveres try outs again, I was almost convinced I'd make it in. I had tried so hard the year before to suck up to him. I had tried so hard to becoming a better singer. So I practiced and practiced and practiced. Then I didn't make it. I went home that night and tried not to be too upset. There was always next year. So I got on my knees and prayed that night. I promised I would read my scriptures every day for the whole school year if he promised I would make Trouveres the next year. And I did. I went through the school year watching my friends enjoy being in trouveres, something I had wanted since the 6th grade. I tried being happy for them, talking myself in to believing that it wasn't a big deal. It honestly wasn't too bad. That year was a hard year though. I fell in love with someone I thought I could trust, but ended up not being able to trust them at all. That took me far too long to get over. It was one of those times in my life that I wasn't sure I'd ever feel happy again. I wasn't sure the pain would ever end. The days dragged on and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I wasn't sure why the Lord would do that to me, why he would make me like this. But I kept my side of the deal. Every night. All year. As the end of the year drew closer and I started to gradually feel better, my friends stated discussing whether or not they were going to try out for trouveres for the next year. I prepared a song. Prayed alot. And read my scriptures for longer and longer every night. The night before try outs, I sat down on my floor and thought about it. I had already signed up for a time. I had the song prepared. I had read every single night. I was ready. But I didn't want it anymore. And I couldn't figure out why I didn't want it anymore. I didn't show up for try outs the next day. I went to choir, stood by the door for a minute, then left. I cried that night because I didn't know why I didn't go. I had put so much time and effort in to it. I had wanted it so bad. Senior year I watched the trouveres perform. I was surprised to find that there were very few occasions that I kinda wanted to be on stage with them. All senior year, I continued to read my scriptures every night. And I still do. I feel like God and I still have a deal going on, although I'm not sure what it is anymore. Anyway, the point of this story is, I know why I didn't do trouveres now. I wouldn't be who I am right now if I had. Sometimes we want things really extremely bad. And we put alot of time and effort in to getting them. We pray alot and almost expect to get it. Then out of no where, we realize thats not what God has in store for us. And it sucks to look back at what you almost had. It's a sad feeling. All you can do is ask why that couldn't be. But then you look around at where you are now and realize all the wonderful things you have and have experienced that you would have if you had gotten that thing. 

So maybe thats what I need to remember now. 

I didn't do trouveres and I was sad. I don't have him and I am sad. 

But life moves on. Maybe theres a better plan.