How to be broken.

So here I sit. Completely broken.

You know, I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be the hardest thing thrown at me thus far in my life. And I knew it was coming. I could feel it in every bone in my body when he would look at me. I guess, I just had this undying hope that it wouldn't happen. And that hope consumed me.

So here I am to write it out. And the "how to" format seems to escape me as I look at the keyboard. How do I talk about this pain eating me up as if I'm telling someone else to do it? I can't wish the way this feels on anyone. I also don't even know how to describe it. Where do I start? Do I begin with explaining what its like to be sitting on a couch with the person you love, holding his hand, knowing its the last time it will happen? Or do I begin by explaining the love that took place there first? Or maybe I could just start explaining the way it feels to sit with friends in complete silence because no one understands you now. Or how it feels when his lips touch your forehead for the last time. Or how it feels for him to look at you like he doesn't even love you anymore. See what I mean? I have no idea where to start.

I've cried harder than I've ever cried before. The pain is too real.

And I just don't think I'll ever get over him.

Now, don't get me wrong. Yes, I will probably love again. That's usually how it goes. Although, I don't want to anymore. Not unless I'm loving him. But, I understand that at some point, there will probably be someone else. For both me and him. But there's something about the way this feels that nothing else has ever felt like before. Like part of me is missing. My left leg maybe? No, maybe just the left lung. It makes it hard to breath now but at some point, I'll get used to it and figure out a rhythm that works for me. But I'll always be missing it.

Oh how I would take it back if I could.

I suppose I'm supposed to learn something from this now. Maybe that I'm my own person and I should rely on myself and no one else. Or maybe that life moves on. Or something along those lines.

But no. I don't feel like I'm learning anything except for that I'll never be good enough. Even when I try to fix myself, I'm rejected for trying. Because I'll never reach that level of goodness that people want in their lives.

So yeah. Maybe I'll move on. But I don't want to. I want to miss him. I want to feel this. I just want him here. This is my time to be sad. So heartbreakingly sad. (My computer thinks heartbreakingly isn't a word. I'm fairly sure it is.) And then maybe it will mend. Probably it won't. I guess life moves on.

But for now, I'm gonna go crawl in bed and cry. Maybe I'll wake up from this horrible dream. If I do, I promise to appreciate every moment with him a thousand times more. But if I don't, if this turns out to be real... I'll repeat this process again tomorrow night. Maybe one day I'll wake up from it.