How to handle the 24 hours after.

I don't know how long its going to take for me to be able to return to the "how to" format. But for now, I guess I'll just continue to write like this for a couple of reasons. 1) When I'm writing I'm putting the emotion in words so its not so unbearable. 2) It's a lot harder now to just sit on facebook, especially when he's online. 3) I don't know who else to tell all of this to. And 4) I keep thinking maybe he will read this and decide to come back. (Stupid. I know. I doubt he well still read these.)

I don't know if people even read this. Maybe that's another reason I find it easier to express it all here. 

I couldn't sleep last night. Well, mostly. I went to bed at 10:30. Fell asleep at about 11. Woke up at 3. And haven't been able to sleep since. I also haven't eaten since taco bell on Friday night. And before that I hadn't eaten since cake the night before. Well, give or take a few french fries. I think it takes my mind off the pain inside my chest. My heart is constantly beating fast and sometimes I forget to breathe. 

Who's gonna love me now?

Who's going to change my break pads? Or teach me to change my oil? Or fix my computer when its broken? Or force me to eat more than one meal a day? Or rub my back when it hurts? Or rub my feet just because? Or tell me I'm beautiful? Or hold my hand? Or wait for me outside of work? Or hold me when I'm crying? 

Who's gonna love me now? 

It's an empty feeling, really. For once, I can't even find the words to write it in to a poem.

Every time my phone rings, I expect it to be him. Or when he gets online, I always open a chat box and start to type before I remember that he won't reply.  I didn't think it would hurt this bad. 

I got a blessing last night. It was a blessing of "if this relationship mends..." and it made me angry. Why would God send me messages that only say "if this mends, you need to do this and that..." ? I guess I just don't understand.

I don't understand alot of things. 

I woke up, the nightmare was still going. I want to go back to sleep.