How to stop eating.

"How can I be pleased when I'm handed the keys to a town they call misery?"- The Format.

I can't figure out  how to stop writing now. Obviously, since this is my second post of the day. And I'm sure there will be another one when I get home tonight.

5 pounds down. It's only been like 3 days since I stopped eating.

You know, I don't exactly mean to just not eat. The first few days were because it made me sick. I've eaten here and there. Nothing big at all. And I like it. It feels like, for once, this is something in my life that I can control. When I've had so little control of my life since August. I'm  not saying it was a bad thing. But so much just became decided for me. I HAD to go to school and HAD to get a job and eventually got in to a pattern where I felt as if I HAD to go to his house every night or be with him every night. And because I loved him and didn't want to upset him by not eating, I HAD to eat. Well, now, I still HAVE to go to school and to work and then home to do homework. But I can decide when I eat, or if I do. Because I'm not in this to please him anymore. Our little deal is off. If I don't eat, he's still going to eat, he's not gonna stop eating with me. So I'm not putting him in any harm by doing this. He will still be healthy, and I won't have to eat.

You know whats sad though? If he asked me to eat, I probably would. At least once.

I understand my life is not ruled by him. It never has been. But man it felt nice for someone to care about me like that.

My family has been really good to me since it happened. My brother got up in church and bore his testimony, directing part of it to me. My sister did all the dishes for me and didn't ask for anything in return. And my little brother told me I looked like a hooker today (means I'll find another guy fast, right?).

I guess I just have to remember to breathe. I'm tired, this emotional pain is causing incredible physical pain like I never knew it could, I can barely talk above a whisper, and I'm not eating. But as long as I'm still breathing... I guess its bound to get better eventually. Maybe. Right?