How to be always okay.

Tomorrow I begin eating regular meals again. 

Now, I can't promise they will be big meals, but at least it will be something. 

I woke up this morning terribly sick. I couldn't stand up. My nose wouldn't stop bleeding. Even just opening my eyes made me dizzy. And I knew it was because of how little I've eaten this last week. 

A week. Wow. Tomorrow its been a week since I stopped eating. That's the longest I've ever gone. Provided that I've eaten a small amount within that time. But still. By far the longest I've ever made it.

Here's my thoughts of the day. 

I always sympathized with Bella. You know, from Twilight. This idea of true love and them wanting to do everything for you. Then he left. 

When I read this I was so sad for her. The months passed by and she couldn't function. And I always imagined that's how I would be too if it happened to me. 

Now lets take out the ridiculous part about vampires and such and view the story from there.

Girl meets boy. Girl is fascinated by boy but boy hardly notices her. Boy starts talking to her. They fall in love. Boy brings a lot of baggage in to relationship. Girl is willing to accept all of it because she loves him. Boy hurts girl a few times. Boy is scared of hurting girl more. Boy tries to leave, believing it is the best thing to do for girl. Boy sees no way of making it work. Boy tries to leave and girl won't accept it. Boy finally tells girl that she isn't good enough and leaves. Girl is heartbroken. 

Hu. Sounds familiar. 

Now, being the girl in this situation, I finally can put Bella's heartbreak in to perspective.

Yes. It hurts. Like, really effing bad. And it is really hard to go back to friends and ask for their help after being gone from them for so long. And even every day tasks seem to take a huge amount of effort. 

But honestly, Bella was pathetic. She couldn't move on. She was killing herself. Making herself miserable. 

I'm going to be sad about it for a while. I get that. But at least I understand how pathetic is too pathetic. I'm not going to sit and mope around. I'll never be okay if that's what I do.

So now, I have no sympathy for Bella. 

I saw him today. Sitting by my class. It didn't hurt as bad as I expected it to. The only part that hurt was looking at how miserable he looked and not being able to hold him and tell him its alright. I went and did my homework. Trying to avoid looking at that heartbreaking smile he had on every time I looked at him. But I guess I know him too well. As his body began moving differently, even slight movements, I could see him getting worse. I've never wanted so badly to just hold him. But I couldn't. 

I need him to be happy. Not even happy, actually. I need him to be okay. So I maybe might have sent him a kinda rude message telling him to do things for himself and to stop worrying about everyone and everything else. 

I'm gonna stay. Right here. If he came back, this is where I would be. But if he doesn't come back. That's life. And life always moves on. And there is a plan.

And I'm "always okay."