"We always want the people we love to stay. We don't want them to leave us. It's not so much that we don't want them to grow and change; it's more that we don't want the time together to end. But, I realized as I listened to the song, there is Only One who can always stay. So I prayed to Him: Stay With Me. Stay With Me."
-Being Sixteen, Allyson Braithwaite Condie.
I woke up at 7 and couldn't get out of bed. Everything hurt. My stomach. My heart. My head. And I really just wanted to lay there forever. So I didn't go to class, despite knowing I really should have. At about 9 I decided I couldn't stay pathetic and that I was GOING to go to school and I was GOING to have a good day. First, I had to park way the eff out there. But I decided to not complain about it. It wasn't a big deal. Then I went to class and we talked about childbirth and abortions and such. This was when I first started thinking about the gospel. My teacher admitted to having had an abortion. And I immediately started thinking about how I felt about that. At first I was a little angry at her. How could you take away a life of something so pure? Then she began to explain the medical reasons that she absolutely had to. Now, I still don't agree with it. But I could see on her face what a hard time that had been for her. And I wondered how I would handle that. I decided I wouldn't handle it well at all. And I wouldn't be able to make the decision to take away the life of something that's part of me like that. And I wondered how she did it. And how she got over it. You know, maybe she didn't get over it. Maybe there will always be a hole in her heart for that sweet child she never got to meet. But she is happy now. If her happiness doesn't prove the existence of The Atonement, or even just of there being a God, then what does? There are things in this life that may seem so incredibly hard to bear, and sometimes we just don't know how we get through them. But we do. And not on our own.
So after that class, I went to walk to palates and realized I didn't have any of my stuff for it. So I skipped that too. I went and sat and read.
The constant buzz of sound in the background started closing in on me.
I closed my book and proceeded to check facebook, hoping for a distraction from all the noise.
There was a status about "silent diseases." You know, things we can't see but effect so many. Depression being one of the main ones.
Then I started thinking about all the people I know and love in my life that suffer from some form of depression. As I looked around the crowded room I was sitting in, I wondered how many people sitting so near me suffer from it. Because you'd never know until you know them. I watched people for the rest of the hour. Analyzing facial expressions and movements, wondering what makes them who they are, what we can't see.
And I don't understand why it exists.
We are all each given our different trials, yes. I get that. But why do some people have to deal with their trial every single day?
I do consider losing him one of my biggest trials thus far in my life. It's effing hard. But I expect it to pass. And I know it will, although I can't feel it right now. And, maybe I'm wrong, but I imagine the feeling I'm feeling right now is the feeling many people feel every single day.
It's this awful feeling of thinking that nothing is ever going to get better. The sun doesn't shine nearly as bright anymore. The wind is a little more cold that usual. Waking up is a lot harder. Things I have always enjoyed have lost their appeal. My laugh feels empty. And I feel like I'm never going to feel happy again.
See, I know this will pass.
But what about the people that I never passes for? What about the people who can't fight it?
I'll have many trials throughout my life. Maybe I'll lose a child. Maybe I'll be poor. Maybe my husband will lose his job. Maybe my house will burn down. And they will be hard. Life isn't easy. But these things always pass.
And this is why depression doesn't make sense to me. Why would some people have to deal with all of those normal trials that I just listed, on top of dealing with that internal battle of hopelessness?
I don't know if or when I'll understand it. But I guess God has a reason.
I'm trying so hard to focus on that. God has a reason. He has to have a reason.
I saw him today. After Institute. I walked out and BAM. There he was. I had planned to go straight to work from there. But once I got out to my car, I couldn't make myself go. I waited till I felt alright.
He looked happy. I'm glad.
I know I sound pathetic and very teenage girl in these posts. He was just one boy in my life. I should accept this as a life experience and move on. I know.
I just... I don't feel like I lost a boyfriend. I lost my best friend. I lost the person who would listen to me without judging me. I lost the person who taught me so much about the real world. I lost the person who made me want to be better. There was a lot about him that I'm going to miss.
It'll slowly go away.
For now, I'm just waiting.
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