How to get through yet another day.

If you had any idea how much better I feel being 8 pounds (3 from yesterday. dropping fast.) less than what I have been for the past few months, you'd tell me to continue not eating too.

Too bad I just got back from dinner. I never can last very long. Not by my choice, however. It's just difficult to explain to someone "No I'm on my 3rd day of no eating. But you can go to dinner by yourself." Yeah. That wasn't about to happen.

You know, I never quite understood self inflicted harm quite like I do now.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one to go about causing myself pain. I'm too weak. But the way it felt to have my stomach ache like that... I almost felt normal.  It was as if the pain in my chest and the pain in my stomach just equaled each other out. Canceling one another.

I have so much I want to tell him now.

As the day went on and little things happened, I made mental notes to tell him later at lunch. Then Institute rolled around and he didn't walk in. I had almost completely forgotten. It was then that I felt everything. I could feel how pissed off my stomach was at me. And how completely shattered the rest of me was. At lunch, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't eat. I think part of me thinks that maybe if the next time he sees me, I'm 20 pounds lighter, he will love  me again. Ridiculous, right? But I just couldn't eat. And I had no where to go. I couldn't stand the thought of going to work early, sitting there for an extra 2 hours than usual, and then not having the relief of his arms around me after. So I sat in my car.

People passed. Some holding hands. Some alone.  And I watched as I realized how alone I really am.

Day 1 of being back to school: Heartbreaking.

So I went to work. Explained to the girls what happened. Watched as everyone's faces turned from happy to completely sad for me. They all knew how much I loved him.

It passed fast enough. Then when I walked out to my car, his truck wasn't there.

And I felt it all once again.

6 months ago. Exactly. He started talking to me. We haven't missed a day since. We even talked for a very short amount of time yesterday. But today, nothing. 6 months. Now nothing.

My mind is all sorts of mixed up.

Gosh I loved him.