How to love writing.

Hounds

So loud,
So loud,
Slow down,
Slow hound.

They want to conquer you,
Abandon you.
I want to burden you,
Belong to you.

They want to think for you,
Pour drinks into you.
They want to look at you,
While I look everywhere for you.

I want to sever you,
Defend against you.
I want to speak for you,
As if I know what you’ll do. 

- The Antlers. 

Isn't that beautiful? I'm so desperately in love with this cd that I can hardly take it. Check it out here.

Anyway. 

I haven't been writing alot lately. There was that period of time that I wrote every day. But I didn't have a choice then. I couldn't breathe without it. 

I have mixed emotions about it. I hope none of you will ever have to experience such devastating pain like I did. No one deserves to hurt. No one should. Not like that. Not at all. But at the same time, I hope you all get to experience the feeling of needing something to live, like I did with writing. There were days where all I could think about was what I would write when I get home. There were nights that I couldn't stop crying until the words were out. If I didn't write, I didn't know what to do. And it felt so good to write. I hope all of you can feel that at some point, just for a little while. 

Life is interesting, isn't it? 

The way it all works out... 

Because here I am. Writing and smiling. 

Not writing and crying. 

I don't know when that change happened. I don't know when I switched from crying while writing every post to being okay while writing every post to smiling like I am now. 

I don't need writing to breathe anymore. 

But at the same time, I can't stop now. Not after all it did for me. I'll never be able to pay it back for how much it helped me. I'll never be able to write enough beautiful words to make up for what it did for me. 

<3

How to move on.

I'm standing in a dark room. 

There's exercise equipment all around me. I've got my water bottle in one hand and a door knob in the other. But I'm not moving. My heels make too much noise when I move. I can't ruin this moment. I can't break the silence. 

I'm standing in a crowded store. 

I hear babies crying. I see little boys try on necklaces. I get ran into a few times. They don't see me. But of course, I don't see them either. I can't make eye contact. What will they see? 

I'm standing in an empty building. 

My friends laugh around me. They see the empty. I see the chairs I once sat in and the floor I once walked on. I see the people that aren't there anymore. I see me holding myself together in every corner.

I'm standing in a still parking lot. 

There are cars driving on the road above me. They look down at me as they drive off. I see their glances. Then suddenly, they are gone. Off to where ever they need to be. Forgetting instantly about the girl standing in the parking lot. 

I'm standing in my room. 

There are clothes everywhere. I stare at the papers on the floor and read the words I once lived in. Remnants of what used to be scattered all around me. A cast picture. Some sheet music. A graduation cap. A picture of me laughing.

I'm standing in front of a mirror. 

The "I love you" sticker my mom placed there a few years ago is covering where my left arm should be seen. My eyes analyze what they see on my face. A smile? A frown?  Lip gloss smeared from too much kissing? Mascara smeared down my cheeks?

I'm standing in a dark room. 

Exercise equipment all around me. I sigh and break the silence. Taking one step in front of another. As much as I'd love to stand there forever, unseen and quiet, what other choice do I have but to take a step forward and ruin my perfect silence?

And as it turns out, I love the sound my heels make when echoing in that dark room.

How to walk away.

I'm not okay with betrayal. Or with pretending it didn't happen. Or losing people. 

You'd think those things would be obvious. How could someone think I could be okay with those? But more specifically, how can a friend think I'm okay with those?

I have a wonderful memory. Every thing is right there for me to replay. 

If I had known a year ago what was going to happen, I wouldn't have texted you back. A few months was not worth what I'm going through now. 

I don't know what is worse. Losing someone I loved with all my heart or having to let go of so many other people after that?

Life goes on. 

I know. 

I laugh and smile and flirt and meet new people and experience wonderful things that I will never forget. Life goes on wonderfully. It get betters, and I know that. 

Some days, I feel so good that I hardly can believe how bad it hurt at first. 

Some days, I get compliments so often that I hardly can believe that for a month I didn't get any. 

Some days, I flirt so much that I hardly can  believe that I was so upset I lost just one person. 

But other days, I count the people I lost. And I realize that it really wasn't just one. I lost alot of people so quickly. And I'm constantly losing people. 

Life goes on. 

I know. 

But sometimes I can't believe that I'm going on without certain people. 

People that I loved so much. People that I planned to share duplexes with. People that I spent hours and hours with. People that made me laugh. People that held me up. People I've known for years. 

You know, this whole time I've thought I was weak. 

But I'm not.

And I thought it would prove my weakness if I walked away. 

But it's doesn't. 

Because right now I'm walking away. Not because I'm weak. I'm not weak. 

But because my life if going in a totally different direction now. And I can't stand here watching the place our lives met anymore.

So this is goodbye. 

Miss you always.

How to have an awful day.

"Some days aren't yours at all. They come and go as if they're someone else's days. They come and leave you behind with someone else's face and it's harsher than yours and colder than yours. They come in all quiet, sweep up, and then they leave. And you don't hear a single floor board creek."

"I'm not here. Not anymore."

Thanks Regina. I couldn't have said it better.

How to predict the weather.

When I was little, my friends and I thought we could predict the weather. 

Every day after school we'd stand outside of that shed in front of our school and I'd look up at the sky and predict the next day's weather. 

"Cloudy. It will probably rain."

And then I would be right. 

I really don't know how I was right so often... But hey, it was cool. 

But the older I've gotten the more I've realized how unpredictable it is. 

All of the weather predictions this week said today would be warm, mid 60's, slightly cloudy. I know, because I check constantly.

But I woke up to it raining. And as my family lined up to take family pictures at a park, the rain grew stronger and stronger.

All week the weather has been nice. Like, I wanna go lay out in it type of nice. Like, lets plan picnics and pretend life is wonderful type of nice. And then it was just BAM! rain. 

Why can't we see that coming? Why is everyone always so shocked to find out the weather station lied to them? Why can't we accept that its not always going to go as planned and be warm and sunny like we expected it to be?

Maybe... Just maybe, its actually the most predictable thing out there. 

Its gonna be nice out. Then its gonna be not so nice out. Then it'll probably be nice again. 

What is so hard about that to understand? 

I think life is just like that. 

Sometimes things are gonna be happy and warm and lovely. 

But then sometimes life is gonna be sad and cold and rainy. 

But guess what. 

Then it'll get good again.

What's so hard about that to understand? 

But you know whats really lovely? 

Sometimes, right in the middle of all this awful weather, there's randomly a few rays of sunshine. Like God is up there saying "Look, I'm still here. Give me a minute to clear this all up for you." 

And sometimes, during all this wonderful weather, there's randomly a few dark clouds in the sky that take over for a few minutes. Like God is up there saying, "Hey, remember when it was always like this? Please don't forget what I've done for you." 

How to love Thursdays. Simple.

So that's it, hu?

3 months without you and life moves on. Time keep passing. 

3 months ago on this day I was the most heart broken I have ever imagined I could possibly feel. We were perfect. Going to be married. So in love. And then it was simply over. 

For 3 months, I don't know how many times I have cried over you. Or how many times I have talked about you despite other people getting sick of it. 

We sat on the couch and you held my hand.
"Who's gonna be there for me now?" 

"You've got other friends."

"Not anymore." 

It was the most empty feeling. Knowing I had put so much of myself in to the relationship and walked away from so many people and then there I was needing it all back. 

How do you go to a friend that you've barely even talked to for the last 6 months and tell them that you need them more than anything? I was so sure no one was going to be there. 

So sure that I would never feel okay again.

Well here I am.

Sitting on my bed. Its Things I love Thursday. And I can't believe that 3 months later, I'm making lists every Thursday of the wonderful things in my life and smiling and feeling okay. 

So today's list is a little different. 

Today I love...

~ 3 months without Mountain Dew today. I love the way it feels to not be relying on it to keep me going through the day or to feel okay about myself. Also, no empty pointless calories. 

~ The sun was shining as I walked out of my last day of school today. First year of college: over.

~ The weather is feel good weather. Its take off your shirt and go tan weather. Well, close enough. 

~ 3 months have proved me wrong. I can't even count all the people that have been there for me through this. Who's gonna be there for me now? Some pretty effing great people. 

~ I put everything away that makes me wanna crawl in bed and cry. And I don't feel like I need to look at it again. Do you have ANY idea how amazing that is? 

~ I'm meeting new people. And loving them more than anything already. 

~ I'm cleaning up my life quite nicely. Clean room? um yeah. Weird, OCD Maren? um yeah. 

~ Yoga feels good. Palates feels good. Knowing that I can do those things feels good. Sorta kinda in shape Maren? um yeah. :) 

~ I'm figuring out once again how to not need a man to feel good about me. I'm effing wonderful. Bring it. 

Theres so much more I could write about, but its late and I have to work in the morning.
But I just want everyone to know this. 

It gets better. 

I know the way it feels to think that everything is falling apart. I know the hopeless feelings. I know the "I'll never be okay again" feelings. I know what its like to cry every night. I know what its like to pray constantly and still feel like nothing is being answered or fixed. I know. 

3 months of those feelings. Every day. 

But I'm here today to tell you It. Gets. Better. 

The feelings aren't gone. But somehow, the sun is shining a little brighter and I'm feeling a little lighter. 

Life moves on. It gets better. 

So today I love that. 

I LOVE that it gets better.

I didn't go. (a poem)

Will we make it?

Will we make it?

Will we make it?

I could never stop asking because I could never know.

And you held my hand and told me,

“No.

There is no chance because you will go.”

But I did not go.

I kissed your scars and I tried to take your pain.

This pain that I couldn’t even comprehend,

I wanted to feel it.

I wanted to feel the way your eyes closed and when you couldn’t even breathe.

When your body tensed up and tears poured down your cheeks.

I wanted the sleepless nights and the never ending fear.

And some nights, I wanted to bleed,

Just for a moment,

So I could understand

Why you would take my hand

And stare at the way it moved.

And then let it go.

We were like this beautiful song that’s always being sung

And everyone wants to sing it,

But our lyrics were all wrong.

What should have been love and happiness,

Turned out to be pain and sadness,

With love tying is all together in way that can never be undone.

And it wasn’t undone,

It was cut.

I sit here and wonder where you are, what you are doing, who you are with,

If you hurt.

And I’m alone

I’m staring in this mirror and picking out my imperfections and wondering which one you saw first.

Because I am not pretty

And I am not good

And you looked into my eyes and you were telling me to go.

Leave while I still can.

Well I couldn’t.

Because you are me.

And I am you.

You took my hand and you told me to not let go,

And I didn’t.

I listened to you and I held on.

And when you left,

I kept holding on.

As if you had left the biggest part of you with me.

And I couldn’t sleep or eat or breathe,

And the pain that you had been feeling was suddenly inside of me.

And I can’t let it go,

Because it’s you.

All the nights that I sat sleepless,

And all the days that I went hungry,

They were you, you, you.

“Will we make it?”

I don’t ask that anymore.

Because you were right,

But you were wrong.

No.

We cannot make it, we did not make it.

But I did not go.

For, now I stand alone with all our broken parts around me.

I’m staring at the rubber bands and necklaces and kisses and love

And they are broken and they are in pieces.

And I clean it  up every day.

I scrub at my dresser and my carpet and I make my bed.

Because our pieces are everywhere.

And despite all these words being directed towards you ,

It’s not for you.

It’s for me.

Because, I cannot clean enough to get this pain out of my chest

Or our memories off the floor

Or these words out of my head.