How to live one day at a time.

I've been staring at these screen for about... a half an hour now. I know exactly the point I want to make, but no idea which words to use to get me there. 

I just... I want... I have no idea. 

I think it's safe to say that this is the hardest week I've had since.... I'm not sure. April, maybe. Each day it gradually gets a little more difficult. 

So here I am.

I'm just sitting in a room with a window open and listening to the wind move the trees and wondering what the stars look like right now. Wondering who else is watching them. Wondering what those people are thinking. Wondering about anything that doesn't have to do with me or how I feel or whats happening in my life. Anything but that. 

And to write something good I need to think about those things. I need lay out all my thoughts for you. I need to show you exactly what I feel. I need you to feel it and know. So then I won't be so very alone.
But isn't that what I am? Alone? 

Isn't that what we all are when it comes down to it? Alone. 

All we have in the end is ourselves. And sadly, most of us don't even like ourselves enough for that. 

Including me.

One day at a time. One day at a time. That's all I have to live. One day at a time. 

..... 

Maybe tomorrow will be better. 

Or maybe next week... 

Or next month.... 

Or next year.... 

One day at a time..........................

How to watch a friend leave.

Have you ever felt your heart shatter in to a thousand pieces? 

It's a suffocating feelings. It's as if someone is sitting on your chest and no matter what you do, you can't breathe correct again. 

I've been "heart broken" a few times. Or, you know, what I called heart broken. 

But I'm learning that once your heart is broken, it can't be broken as easily the next time.

A few months ago I was heart broken the worst. I couldn't eat or sleep or think or smile or laugh or breathe. It was exactly what I had expected to happen. I saw it coming, and it came, and it passed. I expected it. 

But the other day I was sitting in a church building staring at an old friend and my heart broke in a way I've never felt before. And I didn't at all expect it. It was like, I was there one moment smiling and laughing with him. And then I was there two seconds later watching him fumble around nervously and I couldn't breathe. 

It's an interesting way to explain the feeling. Breaking. 

It sounds cliche really to describe it like that. 

But there I was, and I honestly felt as if I was broken. As if parts of me where falling apart in different directions and hitting the floor and shattering more. 

And then there we were. And he was walking away on the verge of tears while I tried to hug him and rush words of advice as he walked out of my life. 

"Be careful. I love you." As he walked quickly to the door. But then he paused and looked at me and nodded and said he will be and he loves me.

And that's it. 

I've never felt this. 

It's not a romantic loss, whereas all the others had been. It's not like I was in love and lost it. Or anything like that. 

It's like... watching a child take their first steps, but watching them walk away from you instead of to you. 

It's like... the moment after a firework show when all you can see is the outline of the fireworks and your yearning for more. 

It's like... spending hours writing an important paper then watching your computer crash and lose it. 

It's empty. 

It's broken. 

I wish I could give advice. I mean, if you are googling this title, that's what your looking for, isn't it? Advice to tell you how to do something. How to get over it or let it happen or be happy or stop it... 

But I've got nothing. 

Because I'm staring at this screen and thinking about Denny's french fries and intercourse and sexual stimulating things and races to the front seat and dancing and cuddling and that smell and Steve and all those texts. 

I don't have advice today. I'm just here so you aren't alone. So you can read this and know that someone out there has been there, done that. And came out alive. Just like you will. 

Make memories. Keep them close to your heart. Take pictures. But don't let them hold you back. 

How to love yourself more than this.

I'm supposed to love myself more than this. 

You are supposed to love yourself more than this. Stop reading this, feeling sorry for yourself. Knock it off. Love yourself more than that. Stop crying every night while going to sleep. Love yourself more than that. Stop starving yourself of things you really need. Love yourself more than that. Stop talking about you as if your worth nothing. Love yourself more than that. Stop thinking the world is falling apart always. Love yourself more than that. Stop returning to painful memories or places or actions. Love yourself more than that. 

Stop it. You're wonderful. And could be so happy. Let yourself. Love yourself enough for that. 

I'm supposed to love myself more than this.

How to be who you are supposed to be.

Sometimes, I stare at myself. 

I don't mean I just sit in front of the mirror and stare. Usually. I mean, when I'm doing my hair or my make up or getting changed... I stare at myself. I take a second and just look. 

And sometimes, it amazes me how little I know about the person I'm looking at. 

Here I am, 19, and totally reinventing myself. 

You know, I thought I knew exactly who I was until I was 15. That was when it changed again. And then I changed a little tiny bit through the years after that. But not much. I had myself figured you. A year ago exactly, I had myself figured out. 

Then life hit and I lost every idea of what I thought I was. 

I lost it because I had to block memories of it. 

I realize it a little bit every day. 

Every so often, a memory hits me and I can't breathe. 

It's like, who I was wants to burst out of the little box I put her in. She remembers everything. She remembers the pain and the fun times and the lessons learned and the feelings and everything. And I shut her in a box. Because I don't love her. She hurts too much, I don't love her. 

So I put her in this little box and forgot about her and had to start completely over. 

There was no foundation to build me on. I just kinda started. 

And I'm scared. Because, what if I fail?
 What if the person I'm building, fails? What if I drop her and she shatters all over the floor? What if a storm hits and she gets taken away by the wind? Shes so fragile. 

Life is scary. 

Figuring out who you are is scary. 

Changing who you are completely is scary. 

But sometimes, it's the only real option. 

Because you know, you ARE meant to be something. Someone great. 

And it may take your entire life to figure out who that is and to become that person. 

But you have to. 

Because people need you. 

You need you. 

Sometimes I look in the mirror. And I just stare at myself. And I wonder who I'm going to be. And who needs me that way.

How to be defined.

I think everyone should watch this video.

I would much rather have posted the actual video here, as that wouuuld be easier to access, but I can't find it on youtube and it won't let me any other way. 

Basically, however, I think it's the most beautiful thing I've watched in a while. 

Do you ever wonder what defines you? I think alot of us spend a lot of time wishing we were more original. But not so original that we are hated. We fear being hated. That fear, however, stops us from being original. 

So, does that mean we are defined by our fear? 

Is that all we really are? Just the image of fear? 

I wonder what life would be like if we stopped being afraid. 

Who would we be? 

No more fear of not being perfect. No more fear of not being loved. No more fear of tomorrow. No more fear of ourselves. No more fear of the unknown. 

Freedom.

We'd be free. 

How to face your fears.

In 9th grade I was in a play. At a Saturday rehearsal, I was standing out in the hall with 2 of my new friends. We were new friends and I was weird and shy so I wasn't saying a lot. Somehow they got on the topic of their biggest fears. I remember the guy saying that his was never finding love, which I thought was really weird for a guy. And I remember the girl said she was scared of being alone. I sat there in E building that day trying to figure out what my biggest fear was. And that was when I decided that I was so scared of being alone and never being loved. Both of their fears put together. 

Ever since then, that's what I've told people when I've been asked. 

But for the last 6 months (whoa, has it really been that long?) I've been lying. 

I'm not scared of being alone. I faced that. Being alone isn't that bad. I'm not scared of not being loved. I've done that. It's not all that awful. 

My biggest fear is that I won't be happy. 

I haven't been extremely happy in a while now. I mean, it comes and goes. And I know I'm blessed. And there's some days that I know I'm perfectly content and life can't really get any better. And every day I gradually feel better. It's a long process. 

However, I'm scared that I will always be this. 

I'm scared that I surrounded myself with sadness so much, that I damaged me. That maybe I can't really be happy anymore. 

The biggest issue with my fear is that I have no comforting thoughts. I can't talk myself out of it. There's no, "Oh the chances are I will be happy, life always works out like that." Because I know it doesn't. Depression is all around me. So who's to say I won't join the crowds?

I'm scared a lot. 

But when we are scared, we have no choice but to face it at some point. 

You know, maybe I won't ever be as happy as I used to be again. Maybe I am permanently damaged. But I can't know until I face it and fight it. 

And if we fight our fears, when they happen they don't seem so scary. They just seem like what is supposed to happen. Which is strangely comforting. 

I don't think God gave us fears to scare us. 

I think he gave us fears to give us something to work for. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

Life moves on.

How to love unconditionally.

So I'm sitting on my bed and I'm yawning every few seconds and I'm distracted by facebook and I'm trying to decide what love is. 

See, there's examples everywhere. Like, the old couple holding hands as they walk across the street. Or the little "I love you" comments posted on facebook. Or the kisses you see secretly stolen in public places. Or when my dad gives me a blessing. Or when my mom listens to me talk for hours. Or when my sister does the dishes for me when I'm heart broken. Or when my brother stays home to help me put up a bookshelf. Or when my little brother tells me he missed me. Or the sweet hugs from small cousins. 

It's everywhere. So you'd think it would be easy to figure out just what exactly love is. 

Because everyone has a different view on it. 

"Love is speaking in code. It's an inside joke. Love is coming home." -The Format. 

I was talking to someone earlier about love. And he said he thought it was unconditional. 

And at first that seemed like a no duh type of description. Then I started to wonder if it was conditional. I mean, don't we all want unconditional love? Wouldn't that be fabulous to meet someone who would love you even if you gained 250 pounds and had a mental illness? It's what we want. It's security. But IS it unconditional? Really, you gotta question it. There's so many break ups and divorces and broken hearts in this world. If love was unconditional, would that be the case? 

Well I decided that true love is unconditional. But true love is not romantic love. 

See, romantic love dies. I hear it all the time, "They just fell out of love."

Being IN love is conditional. If I was in love and they cheated on me or something of that sort, I wouldn't be in love with them anymore. That would go away. However, I would love them still.

Because love doesn't die. 

I don't think love ever goes away. But it evolves. 

I'm looking back on my past relationships, or whatever you wanna call them, and I will honestly say I love all of those men. I'm not in the least bit in love with them, but I love them. And I don't think that goes away. It just grew in to something else. At one point, I was in love with them. Something changed that. And now I just love them. No romantic feelings attached. 

Now here I come to my second thought process. 

Do we love unconditionally? And if not, since I have decided love is unconditional, do we love at all? I mean, people get left all the time after years and years of love and commitment. If that love was unconditional, would either person leave?

So maybe we don't love at all. Maybe we just wish and pretend. 

But then I decided that sometimes love means leaving. 

Sometimes, the greatest showing of love is in the simple act of letting the other person live their life without you. 

Isn't that sad? 

Unconditional love is when my dad wakes up after a 20 hour work day just so he can give me a blessing when I'm crying or have gone on the wrong path. It's when my mom listens to me talk for hours even though she wants to watch her show. It's when my sister does dishes for me even though I steal her cd's all the time. It's when my older brother builds my bookshelf even though he thinks a "retarded monkey" could even set it up. It's when my little brother admits to having missed me when he was on vacation even though I yell at him all the time. It's when he showed me his scars and I still didn't run away. It's when he walked out that door for my own good despite loving me. It's when my friends took me back in even though I had left them. It's when we argue all the time but stick around anyway because we know we're better together. 

That's unconditional love. 

It's not made up of kisses and hugs and romantic dates. It's made up of the little things we do to protect each other. 

And that doesn't go away. 

So THATS what I think love is. 

"When I say I love you, it isn't just some emotion I have for you. It means our friendship is strong and I'm fighting for you. Emotions don't last long."