How to face your fears.

In 9th grade I was in a play. At a Saturday rehearsal, I was standing out in the hall with 2 of my new friends. We were new friends and I was weird and shy so I wasn't saying a lot. Somehow they got on the topic of their biggest fears. I remember the guy saying that his was never finding love, which I thought was really weird for a guy. And I remember the girl said she was scared of being alone. I sat there in E building that day trying to figure out what my biggest fear was. And that was when I decided that I was so scared of being alone and never being loved. Both of their fears put together. 

Ever since then, that's what I've told people when I've been asked. 

But for the last 6 months (whoa, has it really been that long?) I've been lying. 

I'm not scared of being alone. I faced that. Being alone isn't that bad. I'm not scared of not being loved. I've done that. It's not all that awful. 

My biggest fear is that I won't be happy. 

I haven't been extremely happy in a while now. I mean, it comes and goes. And I know I'm blessed. And there's some days that I know I'm perfectly content and life can't really get any better. And every day I gradually feel better. It's a long process. 

However, I'm scared that I will always be this. 

I'm scared that I surrounded myself with sadness so much, that I damaged me. That maybe I can't really be happy anymore. 

The biggest issue with my fear is that I have no comforting thoughts. I can't talk myself out of it. There's no, "Oh the chances are I will be happy, life always works out like that." Because I know it doesn't. Depression is all around me. So who's to say I won't join the crowds?

I'm scared a lot. 

But when we are scared, we have no choice but to face it at some point. 

You know, maybe I won't ever be as happy as I used to be again. Maybe I am permanently damaged. But I can't know until I face it and fight it. 

And if we fight our fears, when they happen they don't seem so scary. They just seem like what is supposed to happen. Which is strangely comforting. 

I don't think God gave us fears to scare us. 

I think he gave us fears to give us something to work for. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

Life moves on.