How to LOVEEE Thursdays.

TILT!

What a good day. Comes at the right time every week. Just in time to make sure I recognize the good in life. 

Anyway. 

This is what I love today. 

-Reading Nicholas Sparks Quotes. Ever done that? Hes a beautiful writer. He writes some very wonderful things. Google them. Now.

-Listening to Avenue Q! Ahhh I can't believe I've been away from it for so long.

-Singing loud and off key in my car. 

-My yoga teacher yesterday made everything look incredibly sexual. It was increasingly funny. 

-experienceproject.com 

-Making guitar string bracelets. 

-The weather is WARM!!!

-Regina Spektor. mhmmm. <3

-I'm doing my next speech for school on Radical Self Love. Check YES!

-Driving a stick shift. I find more joy in it every day. 

-No Strings Attached. hahahahah what a funny movie. 

Thats all I can think of for now. :) Till Next Thursday!

How to be annoyed.

I wish I knew what to say.

I feel like I haven't written in so long. And all I wanna do is write. All I wanna do is get this out of my system. Get these words out of my head.

When I was little, my best friend moved. I loved her so much. It was amazing, really, how much I loved my best friend. We knew everything about each other. We stayed up talking till 5 many mornings. We talked on the phone for hours and hours. We laughed so much. We did the craziest things. We were so young.

The day she moved, I cried. All I can remember is crying. Laying down with my head against my cd player with it turned on full blast, crying.

I don't remember much more about the next months after that. Because all it was, was hurt. So much unbearable pain.

Because I had no one.

We stayed friends. To this day, I still call her my best friend. I saw her exactly a year ago for the first time since the day she moved. We've both changed so much. But gosh. If any part of me believes in soul mates, its because I'm sure shes mine. Soul mates doesn't mean a romantic love. It means two souls that just need to be together. Always.

The point of the story is, I've been in pain before. This isn't the first time. And probably won't be the last.

And it's not exactly the hardest one either. My best friend leaving me was the hardest one.

And I know life moves on, I move on.

And I'm gonna learn something and be stronger than ever and life will be good.

But, call me pessimistic, I just don't care to look to the future. I don't like when people tell me it'll get better. Because I hate waiting. I hate waiting around for something to happen. Why can't life be good now? I don't want to waste my life waiting for the day life gets good again. Especially since that day will end and then life will be shit. Once again.

Annoying, isn't it?

How to know if you're doing the right thing.

I'm reaching a point where I'm becoming silent. And that's sad. 

It's not so much that I don't have things to say, it's more of I don't want to say them. 

More often than not, I'm running through ideas in my mind. Just thoughts and ideas and theories. And sometimes they make me want to explode. Because I don't know what to do with them. 

I think I've been lying all my life. 

I don't want to write because it's fun. I don't want to write because I love books. I don't want to write because it feels good. 

I want to write because I can't do anything else. 

Because, lets face it, I'm not good at anything. 

When I was little, I wanted so badly to be a singer. I sang all the time. But no matter how much I sang, I couldn't be good at it. I've spent years in choir and listening to music and trying so hard. But I'm not good at it. 

I reached a point in elementary school where all I wanted was to be a scientist of some sort. How beautiful it would be to create something. But I couldn't do that either. I think I even failed science that year. 

I've tried out a lot of things. Singing. Acting. Math. History. Health. Exercise. Science. Philosophy. 

And I'm not good at them. I'm not bad at them. Well, some of them. But I'm not good at them. 

Writing is all I can do. 

I don't have a choice but to write. 

I write because it's all I have. 

I write because if I didn't, this depression would take over. And I don't know where I would be. 

Maybe this is how we know if we are on the right path. This overwhelming feeling of "Hell yeah. This is it."

I read a quote once that talked about how we should make decisions. It said that if when faced with an option, our immediate reaction isn't "Hell yeah!" Then our answer should be no. 

Shouldn't that be the case with anything, always? Wouldn't we be so much happier if we based out decisions on that feeling? Rather than on what job is going to pay the best or what person is going to fit in your life the best? 

If someone walked up to me right now and offered me a job writing for the rest of my life, for minimal pay, I wouldn't think twice before my "hell yeah" answer. But if someone walked up to me with another offer, like oh I don't know, public speaking for the rest of my life for millions of dollars, I'd hesitate. I know which option I'd be happy in. Always. And that should ALWAYS be the option I choose. 

So think about that. 

If you are presented with an opportunity, and your response isn't "hell yeah" then don't do it. It won't lead you to where you want or need to be.

How to Love Thursdays.

Things I LOVE Thursday. 

Oh Gala. You continue to amaze me with your continuous pushes to begin to love ourselves. 

Which begins my TILT list.

Today I love...

Reading www.galadarling.com for hours.

The smell of wet roads.

Writing in my Self Love Bible. 

Sharing spiritual experiences with my friends. 

Those deep meaningful talks that seem to make everything more clear.

The LDS church. :) 

Doing yoga. 

Not wearing makeup and still feeling pretty.

Only working till 1 over spring break. 

The beautiful and so grown up Azure Marie. 

Reading my friends' blogs.

Watching scary movies and screaming with my friends. 

Smosh videos. 

Inside jokes. 

Feeling... good. 

So what about you guys? What are some things you love on this Thursday?

How to be 15.

I remember the first time I was hurt. 

I was 15. I was dating (I use the term dating very loosely, considering he had a girlfriend) this guy that seemed to be amazing. He was the first guy to tell me repeatedly how beautiful I was. He was the first guy to tell me he wanted to kiss me. He was the first guy to tell me he loved me. 

We had been talking constantly for about a month or so at the time. Then one day we finally discussed what we were. Because, like I said, he was dating someone. And I was only 15. 

I remember going to take a shower halfway through the conversation via myspace. While in the shower, I blacked out. This was my first time fainting. It was brief, and luckily I had ended up just sitting down instead of falling and hurting myself. I remember sitting there afterwords and trying to figure out what was wrong. I just felt awful. There was pressure everywhere. I could barely breathe. I was so weak. 

I couldn't stand up for a long time. When I finally got out of the shower, my heart was beating so fast and I was crying. I didn't know what was wrong or what to do. 

This began the downward spiral for the next 7 months. I was never happy. I didn't know how to be happy. And he was always there. Claiming to love me. Claiming I was his best friend. Claiming he would always be there for me. 

Well as time went on and he screwed me over, I eventually was forced to move on. 

That's how I feel now. Sometimes, waking up is the hardest thing. Standing up seems impossible. There's pressure everywhere. I can barely breathe. 

But I don't have a choice but to move on with life. Because, truth is, I'll probably be hurt again. There's not a lot I can do about that. Life moves on whether I think I can handle it or not. 

But gosh. Some days are just so hard.

How to be blank.

Today I feel blank. There's not a lot here. Not a lot left to say. But everything left to say. 

Life is interesting. 

Everything about it. Emotions. Senses. Thoughts. Events. 

Just... Everything. 

How to love words.

Clarification. 

First, my lovely friend with the blog titled "This is for you," you did inspire that last little post of mine. But I didn't really realize it till later. So sorry about that. Didn't mean to steal anything. Although, I'm a little opposite of you.

Second, I feel weird my title wasn't a "how to" title. Is that strange of me? Probably. Oh well. Just the OCD part of me showing. 

Last, I may have lied once or twice in my last post. 

I don't know who this blog is for. Maybe it is for you.

Because, let's be honest here. This is for you. Whether you read it or not. I'm always going to love you. Well, part of me will at least. And this is where I do that. I go to school and work and with friends, and when I'm at those places, I don't have to love you anymore. I don't have to think about it. But when I sit down alone, I know I love you and I know that's not going to stop. So these words are for you. The beautiful words that I have loved for years, I'm putting them in to phrases and sentences and paragraphs for you. Because I cannot hold you anymore. I cannot to comfort you. I cannot be there. You won't let me. So this is all I can do. Give you words. Something I don't do for anyone else. 

But it is for me, too.

Because it's in these words that my heart beats, that I can breathe. It's in these words that I find who I am. That I can begin to heal. Words makes sense when nothing else does. When my world seems to have fallen apart, when I can't even eat because I'm so broken, when nothing works out the way its been planned, when waking up is the hardest thing for me to even imagine doing, words feel safe. I feel safe. 

So yeah, this is for you. 

But no. This isn't for you. 

This is for me.