How to be in control.

This is not just some blog that I'm writing just for the hell of it. 

It's a little after midnight and I need to be awake in less than 7 hours to be getting ready for work and I haven't been sleeping well and I have so much to do at work tomorrow that I need to be awake and on my game but yet here I sit writing. 

I think I've got something to say. But I have no clue what it is. 

All I know is that right now my heart is pounding and I need a way to make it stop so I can, just for one minute, feel in control again. 

I lost control a few days ago. Or maybe it was a week ago. When I broke down and couldn't stop crying. I could feel control and strength falling out of me with every tear that fell. 

It was like, for 4 months (Okay, lets not lie, I was doing this for the 6 months prior to this too) I've been building up strength. I've been figuring out how to be okay again. I've been learning and being okay and then suddenly everything I had built and created, fell. 

Honestly, I've been okay since then. I actually had a fabulous time this weekend. Seeing friends. Going to Craigos. Holding hands. Laughing. Watching Scream 4. It's been great. 

But I'm sitting in the car just now and the thought comes to me, "Now what?" 

The truth is, I don't know. I have no effing idea. 

I thought it was supposed to be all cut and dry. My friends will be there for me. I'll find someone new. Fall in love. Move on. Just like every other time.

But that's not how it went. I've lost friends. More than I wanted to lose. But who really wants to lose friends in the first place anyway? And how am I supposed to know when this "someone new" is here? And how am I ever supposed to trust someone with that part of me again? How am I ever supposed to love someone with everything I have again? How am I supposed to move on when I have no idea where to move on to? 

I don't want new friends because I expect them to leave. I don't want someone new because they haven't proven to me that they'll stick around. I don't want love because all I know of it is that it hurts. I don't want to move on because the future scares the crap out of me. 

But I don't really have a choice, do I? 

I mean, do any of us really have a choice in the matter?

No matter what, we know that we will meet new people and some of them are gonna fascinate us and we will make new friends.

No matter what, we know that we will meet "someone new" and fall in love again and again. Even though it hurts. Even though it's the scariest idea you can possibly even imagine sometimes. 

No matter what, we know that we move on. 

Why do we do this to ourselves? 

Why do we trust people and like them and fall in love with them? 

The moment I was left, my whole world felt completely useless. I ran upstairs and cried and cried on my moms lap. I've never felt so pathetic. For days, maybe even weeks, I felt this constant pain. Physical pain. And I knew I would never be okay again. I knew I would never find someone else. I knew I could never love someone again. 

But yet here I am. And I'm okay. And I'm finding new people, with new people finding me. And, no, I'm not in love. But I know it's gonna happen again. 

I think we do this to ourselves because we all know love makes us something bigger than what we are. It fills this empty part of us. It heals parts of us that we didn't even know had been broken. 

I always hear "Love sucks. I'm never doing this again." 

Love doesn't suck. Realizing its gone and you have to try to find it again sucks. 

And don't lie. You're gonna do it again and again. Because love is something we can't control. It just happens.

Let it. 

Let it take over your entire life and fill you and control you. Let it be the word you trace in to foggy windows on a cold day. Let it be what you sing about. Let it be your constant thoughts. Let it be the reason for every smile and movement and breath. Let it. 

Don't deny yourself of this basic need. 

It's going to leave. Over and over again. 

Let it. 

Let it be the reason you cry every night. Let it be in every tear that falls down your face. Let it take over and scream. Let it make you wish you were dead. Let it overflow in to your every thought and action and word. Let it make you think that your world is ending. Let it. 

But don't forget to let it back in. 

Because you need it. 

Embrace it. And then let it go. 

I don't know if any of this made sense. I don't really even feel like reading it again. You may read this and think I'm crazy or annoying or talented. Who knows. I don't really care. 

All I know right now is that I have to be awake in 6 hours.

Oh. And that I'm in control again. 

I've got this.

How to feel vulnerable and damaged.

More and more every day I'm finding that writing scares me.

It scares me that for a few moments every day, I become so incredibly vulnerable. While writing I'm suddenly vulnerable to every thought and feeling that I pushed aside throughout the day. And not only that, but I know these words are out here and you will use them however you want to. 

I get between 20-75 views every day. That amazes me because when I first started writing in it often, I got at most 5 views. 20 is alot to me and the days that I get 75 amaze me. I'm no professional blogger. I only have 11 followers and I don't get a lot of views. But wow, that's 75 people who read what I have to say and aren't commenting to tell me I'm pathetic and crazy. That, to me, is the most fabulous blessing. 

However, I'm unbelievably horrified by it. 

I'm vulnerable to myself while writing it. But, by posting it, I am vulnerable to all of you. Every few minutes I become vulnerable again. Because you right now are reading this and judging this and looking at my thoughts and feelings laid out so raw for all of you to read and judge and use. 

I'm scared of being vulnerable. I'm scared of not being as strong as I've come to convince myself I am. Because when I write and realize how vulnerable I am, I realized how damaged I am. I'm okay, but damaged; And this is me. That's me.

Vulnerable and damaged.

How to love Thursdays.

The more we focus on the fabulous, the more of it we get.

Gala Darling is just wonderful. In case you were wondering.

So I've been working full time these last 2 weeks and sometimes it makes me want to stab myself with a paperclip. Multiple times. I cannot wait to go back to part time. But, hey, money is good, right?

Not gonna lie, my job makes me very depressed. Sitting in that small, quiet office... listening to pandora and trying not to stare too long at the white walls or I know I'll go crazy... Gah. It makes me upset just to even think about it! So I'm finding that the longer I'm there, the more difficult it is to try and find good in life. I mean, the people I work with are just fantastic. I brag about them all the time. You can't have better coworkers than mine :) But really. The longer I'm in my little office the more I just want to die. And I leave and all I can think about is work. Sitting there. In that office.... ugh. 

And it sucks all the joy out of life. I have the hardest time finding things I love on a daily basis. 

But its Thursday. And Gala wanted us to focus on things we really LOVE today. Things we love and things we love to do. And sometimes I have a hard time with that. Because I HATE this and that and blah blah blah. 

But I guess I better fix that, right?

So lets start my list....

Today I love....

~ Personal Trainers. Hot. :) 

~ Listening to the rain hit the windows as I sat in the sun room the other day. WOW beautiful. 

~ Having my grandparents house for the next 2 weeks. Its really rather fun. 

~ Watching all the High School Musicals with my friends. How fun :) 

~ 5:30 every day. I love the feeling of clocking out. haha. 

~ Frozen Yogurt. MMM. 

~ Trying on wedding/engagement rings with my friends. I want to get married. 

~ Going to Pizza Pie Cafe tomorrow with some friends!!!! AHHHH I'M SO EXCITED.

~ Deciding to do something different with my hair again :)

~ Oh. And I LOVE this blog more than anything. Weird, right? I just love the entire blog world. Its so fantastic. 

ummm...

I think that's all I can think of. For now. 

So what about you guys? what do you LOVE today? Come on...Think hard :)

How to not recieve answers to prayers yet.

Yesterday, I was sitting on the couch in an empty home when I got the sudden urge to pray. I got up to leave and basically collapsed. It had been the longest day I've had in a while and I was completely in pieces laying next to the couch. 

It's been a while since I've broken down like that. 

In my mind, I tell myself I'm strong. 

I go on and on about how I've come so far and done so much. I remind myself constantly that life moves on and I refuse to stand still with it moving all around me. I'm strong. 

But its moments like that, last night, that I have to accept that I'm not. 

So I humbled myself and knelt and prayed. 

You know, I'm not gonna lie and talk about how it was perfect and answered all of my questions and I felt the spirit and blah blah blah. Because, honestly, I didn't. 

I hear all these stories about "And I was praying and crying and suddenly the spirit washed over me and I was calm." And I kinda expected that to happen. But it didn't. 

I was just a girl in a big, empty house crying on a couch to someone who didn't seem to be listening. 

And as I was praying, this made me mad. Because sometimes, I just want God to tell me He's got a plan and I'm gonna be okay. But I didn't get that. Why not?

I finished what I needed to say and I sat there. Scared to get up. I wanted my answer. I didn't want to leave without answers. Because I knew that if I stood up and walked out of that house without answers, I'd be in tears again quickly and I'd never be okay. 

And guess what. I sat there for a while. Waiting for my answer. And I got no answer. 

Then, randomly, I got this impression that I needed to stand up and leave. But I refused. Where the eff was my answer? 

So I sat there.

And then I got a reply. Not an answer. But a reply. 

This was that I needed to get up. That I wasn't going to get an answer tonight because I'm not ready for it. That life moves on and I need to stand up and figure out how to be okay until my answers happen. 

I didn't feel the spirit. And I didn't feel calm. And right now, I still feel on the brink of crying. 

But yet here I am. 

Sitting and writing this and waiting for my answer. 

Why? 

Because I know. 

I don't believe in God. I know God. 

And just like I get mad at my friends when they don't tell me things, sometimes I get mad at Him. But I know him. 

I don't hope for an answer. I know I'll get an answer. 

And just like I get impatient to find out answers from friends, I get impatient waiting for answers from Him as well. But I know I'll get one. 

I'm a girl who didn't get an answer or feel the spirit or get calmed. I have no wonderful miracle to share with you. I have no story to tell you to make you think "Wow. Her church must be true." 

But I have my simple words to tell you that I know him anyway. 

Our answers don't always come in big ways. Our knowledge doesn't always come in big ways.

In fact, I think my knowledge comes a lot from not getting things in big ways.

But I know.

That's all.

How to have an "off" day.

Today, I noticed someone else had put a link to my blog on their facebook. I've never been so touched in my life. Thank you. 

You know, those "off" days that we get sometimes? The days where nothing feels right... but you aren't sure what exactly is wrong? That was today. After lunch. I don't really know why. I just couldn't make life feel "right" again.

But, here I am. The day is over and I'm staring at my computer for comfort. And, as I write this, I feel at home. This, right here, feels right. So why does nothing else? 

Why do I feel like I'm wasting my time at work? Why do I feel like I messed everything up with friends? Why do I feel like everyone is staring at me and only seeing the things I do wrong?

I'm figuring it out. Really, I'm the problem here. 

My job is a good job. I get paid well. I LOVE the women I work with. It's not overwhelmingly stressful. They work with my schedule so well. But, I'm not happy. Whats wrong? Me, obviously. 

My friends are wonderful people. They care for and love me. They watch ridiculous movies with me and sing loud and obnoxious and it's absolutely wonderful. But, for some reason, I feel like they look at me differently lately and I'm losing people left and right. Whats wrong? Me, obviously. 

I'm meeting new people. And not just new people, wonderful new people. There's no incredible urge to try to beat them at everything. There's no immediate wrong judgment. There's instant friendships. But yet, I swear I see them watching me too closely, noticing every time I say the wrong thing or trip over myself. Whats wrong? Me, obviously. 

The only constant is me. 

Maybe I'm not happy enough. 

Maybe I'm too incredibly negative. 

Maybe I spend too much time trying to fix everyone else and forgetting that I'm sitting here completely shattered. 

I've watched too many dreams fall. Witnessed too many people leave. 

My heart feels mad. At no one else. At nothing else. 

My heart isn't mad about my job. Of course not. 

My heart isn't mad about my friends. Of course not. 

My heart isn't mad about people who see me mess up. Of course not. 

My heart is mad at me. Because I take no time to sit down and fix it.
I spend maybeee an hour writing every day. When I know I need more. 

And I'm mad. I'm mad at me. Because here I am. I'm the constant in everything that's going "wrong."

Do you know how that feels? To look in the mirror and just feel completely angry at the face staring back at you? 

Maybe, to get rid of that, we just need to stop. 

Stop stop stop. 

Stop blaming all your issues on everyone and everything else. Your issues live inside of you. Fix them there, and they will disappear outside of you. 

Stop judging yourself. Your issues may be within you, but Gosh. You are more amazing than you will ever be able to comprehend. Issues last only a little while. But you last forever. Without those issues, you are perfect. See yourself like that. Stop focusing on the temporary issues. 

Stop giving up. Fix what you can. Stop assuming that because something happened like that once, its gonna happen like that again. Life moves on. Nothing happens exactly the same twice. Stop pretending it does. Stop giving up on trying to fix things the second time they come around. 

I'm mad and I'm upset and I'm completely in the dark of where I am heading. 

But I can't stay that way. And neither can anyone else. 

Fix it. Not tomorrow. Now.

How to change the world.

"Life is not perfect; it never will be. You just have to make the very best of it and you have to open your heart to what the world can show you. Sometimes it's terrifying and sometimes it's incredibly beautiful. And I'll take both, thanks." - Ryan Joel Zicha. 

Today I woke up and wanted to write from the moment my eyes opened. I think being extremely tired does that to me. Knowing I wouldn't be able to sit down for at least 10 hours to be able to write, I decided to think about it constantly before actually sitting down to write it out. That way, maybe it would be so good.

However, as I sit here thinking about my topic, I am at a loss for words. 

I don't know how to talk about this. I don't know how to say the right words and give off the right meaning. I don't know how to make people feel the way I feel when thinking about it. No amount of practice and classes and lessons can teach me how to do that.

I remember the way I felt when I first found out I had a friend that was in to self-harm. I was a junior in high school and thought those type of things were reserved for other types of people. Not my friends. Not my beautiful, wonderful friends that meant so much to me. 

I remember praying. 

Why me? Why was I was 15 year old girl talking her boyfriend off of a bridge? Why was I the 16 year old girl crying on the phone trying to tell my friend to put the razor down? Why me? 

After junior year I adopted a care free type of attitude. I wasn't around those type of things as much. I avoided them. I didn't like to talk about depression. It made me sick to my stomach. Not because the idea of depression is disgusting. But because I never knew what to say. To try to talk about those feelings... It's overwhelming. There's so much there that when I talk about it I just want to explode with words. Scream and cry and yell and whisper and talk quickly and talk slow... I just need it out. But people don't have time for that. I don't have time for that. 

But this week my heart has been breaking. 

On the 14th, it marked 4 months since the day a friend of mine committed suicide. 

We weren't extremely close. It had been months since we talked and 2 years since we saw each other. But my heart broke that night in a way I could never fully explain. It was like... Everything had been building up to that moment. All those people who had confided their suicidal thoughts to me... All those people who had shown me their scars... All those nights talking people out of hurting themselves... They all led up to the moment he died. 

Even now, remembering him is such an "oh wow" experience. Oh wow he was amazing. Oh wow he smelled good that night. Oh wow he was so funny. Oh wow, hes really gone. 

Take a moment and look in a mirror. Right now. Pause. And look. 

What are your eyes saying? Are you happy? Are you sad? 

I want you to know right now, that being sad is okay. 

I once knew a guy who was sad all the time. And for a long time I tried so hard to make him happy. One night we were sitting there and he asked me why I was trying so hard. I explained that I wanted him to be happy, that he should be happy. He then explained that being sad isn't bad. Being happy isn't necessary. 

I think we so often beat ourselves up over how we feel. When we are sad, we call ourselves pathetic. We think there's something wrong with us. 

But look at you. There's nothing wrong with you. Know now that being sad is okay. Don't even for a second think that its not. 

However, it is not you. It is not a part of who you are. 

When we are little, we are told that we can be anything we wanna be. 

Well we get older and realize this isn't exactly true. If I wanted to be an actress, it probably still wouldn't happen. I can't be that. 

And then we start think we won't ever be anything we wanna be. So if you wanna be happy, you probably won't be. You'll just stay sad. And then we try to justify that by saying its who we are. 

No. Sadness is not you. Depression is not you.

You can be anything you want to be. 

You can be happy. 

Know that now.

We hurt ourselves. We starve ourselves. We torture ourselves. We mock ourselves. We kill ourselves.  

But we don't have to do that. 

This doesn't have to be us. Not us.

I know people will read this and disregard what I'm saying. Maybe you're happy. Maybe you've never harmed yourself in anyway. Maybe you've never known of someone who has. 

But listen to me. The world needs you. People like Ryan need you to understand them. Don't, even for a second, let yourself live in ignorance to the things happening around you. Don't walk by someone crying and leave them be. Don't read statuses on facebook crying for help and just press like and move on. Don't look a friend in the eye and see them hurt and just change the subject. We need you. 

Lives don't need to be lost. People don't need to bleed. People don't need to starve. We don't need to be sad. 

So Ryan Joel Zicha, this is for you. 

You were absolutely stunning. You left such a big mark on my heart that I cannot forget. So many days I wonder what could have happened had someone stopped you. What you would be doing instead. But you're making the change you wanted to see. You changed so many people. And even if you hadn't, you changed me. And one person can be the start of something big. You started something big. Bigger than you even. 

We love you deeply Ryan. 

Hey guys, just for today, notice. 

Notice the things that need to change. That you think need to change. 

And then be. 

Be the change you want to see. Because if you aren't, who will be? 

And now, more than ever, we need change. 

Sometimes life is terrifying and sometimes it is beautiful. Take both. Love both. 

And remember this:

"There is a sacredness in tears; they are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love."- Ryan Joel Zicha

How to L.O.V.E. Thursday.

Today I love..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh. What? Was I writing something? 

Didn't even notice. THAT'S how tired I am. 

It's slightly ridiculous. 

Anyway. I didn't write one last week because Blogger was down. So maybe I'll add some stuff from then, as well. Who knows. 

Today, I am too tired for some beautiful theme of my post. No "it gets better" message. No "I'm so happy now." No "I'm a thousand times better." Because the truth is, I'm too tired to think those things. But that's alright. Sometimes, we just gotta let ourselves be weak and tired and be upset at everything just for one day. Can't stand tall all the time. 

But, even though I'm feeling pretty down right now, there are still some WONDERFUL things in my life that I loveeeeee right now. 

So here we go. 

Today I love...

~ Pirates of the Caribbean comes out tonight. Midnight. Staying up to watch it even though I feel about ready to fall over right now? YES. Johnny Depp looking fabulous is totally worth it.

~ Major money from work because I'm working full time this week and probably next. It may not be totally worth it. But hey, money is money and one day I'm gonna need it badly. 

~ I broke my caffeine fast today. On accident. :( BUT. The thing I love about this is that I didn't break it for Mountain Dew. Because I know once I go down that road again, I'm a lost cause. Goodness, I sound like an alcoholic. :) 

~ This website of shirtless men. HAHA how great is this? A daily picture of a shirtless celebrity! I can't believe I didn't know about it earlier! 

~ Watching the Private movie with my dear friend. hahaha. "What did she say?" "I don't know, we were too busy making jokes about doughnuts and dead boyfriends..."

~ Watching the Lizzie McGuire movie. THIS IS WHAT DREAAAMMMMS ARE MADE OF!

~ Friends coming home from college. Some are just here to visit more often. Others are here all summer! Finally! Its been a long few months without them.

~xkcd comics. I've loved these for a while. But I needed to share. LOVE. 

~Cyanide and Happiness. These aren't AS good. But still wonderfully funny despite the vulgarity. 

Ummmmmmm.

I think that's about all I can think of right now. 

My brain wants to shut off. Which means I need to go do something active so I don't just collapse. 

I love you all. I hope you all are enjoying this.... beautiful? Thursday! 

Don't forget to look for your little blessings in your life today. :)