How to be in control.

This is not just some blog that I'm writing just for the hell of it. 

It's a little after midnight and I need to be awake in less than 7 hours to be getting ready for work and I haven't been sleeping well and I have so much to do at work tomorrow that I need to be awake and on my game but yet here I sit writing. 

I think I've got something to say. But I have no clue what it is. 

All I know is that right now my heart is pounding and I need a way to make it stop so I can, just for one minute, feel in control again. 

I lost control a few days ago. Or maybe it was a week ago. When I broke down and couldn't stop crying. I could feel control and strength falling out of me with every tear that fell. 

It was like, for 4 months (Okay, lets not lie, I was doing this for the 6 months prior to this too) I've been building up strength. I've been figuring out how to be okay again. I've been learning and being okay and then suddenly everything I had built and created, fell. 

Honestly, I've been okay since then. I actually had a fabulous time this weekend. Seeing friends. Going to Craigos. Holding hands. Laughing. Watching Scream 4. It's been great. 

But I'm sitting in the car just now and the thought comes to me, "Now what?" 

The truth is, I don't know. I have no effing idea. 

I thought it was supposed to be all cut and dry. My friends will be there for me. I'll find someone new. Fall in love. Move on. Just like every other time.

But that's not how it went. I've lost friends. More than I wanted to lose. But who really wants to lose friends in the first place anyway? And how am I supposed to know when this "someone new" is here? And how am I ever supposed to trust someone with that part of me again? How am I ever supposed to love someone with everything I have again? How am I supposed to move on when I have no idea where to move on to? 

I don't want new friends because I expect them to leave. I don't want someone new because they haven't proven to me that they'll stick around. I don't want love because all I know of it is that it hurts. I don't want to move on because the future scares the crap out of me. 

But I don't really have a choice, do I? 

I mean, do any of us really have a choice in the matter?

No matter what, we know that we will meet new people and some of them are gonna fascinate us and we will make new friends.

No matter what, we know that we will meet "someone new" and fall in love again and again. Even though it hurts. Even though it's the scariest idea you can possibly even imagine sometimes. 

No matter what, we know that we move on. 

Why do we do this to ourselves? 

Why do we trust people and like them and fall in love with them? 

The moment I was left, my whole world felt completely useless. I ran upstairs and cried and cried on my moms lap. I've never felt so pathetic. For days, maybe even weeks, I felt this constant pain. Physical pain. And I knew I would never be okay again. I knew I would never find someone else. I knew I could never love someone again. 

But yet here I am. And I'm okay. And I'm finding new people, with new people finding me. And, no, I'm not in love. But I know it's gonna happen again. 

I think we do this to ourselves because we all know love makes us something bigger than what we are. It fills this empty part of us. It heals parts of us that we didn't even know had been broken. 

I always hear "Love sucks. I'm never doing this again." 

Love doesn't suck. Realizing its gone and you have to try to find it again sucks. 

And don't lie. You're gonna do it again and again. Because love is something we can't control. It just happens.

Let it. 

Let it take over your entire life and fill you and control you. Let it be the word you trace in to foggy windows on a cold day. Let it be what you sing about. Let it be your constant thoughts. Let it be the reason for every smile and movement and breath. Let it. 

Don't deny yourself of this basic need. 

It's going to leave. Over and over again. 

Let it. 

Let it be the reason you cry every night. Let it be in every tear that falls down your face. Let it take over and scream. Let it make you wish you were dead. Let it overflow in to your every thought and action and word. Let it make you think that your world is ending. Let it. 

But don't forget to let it back in. 

Because you need it. 

Embrace it. And then let it go. 

I don't know if any of this made sense. I don't really even feel like reading it again. You may read this and think I'm crazy or annoying or talented. Who knows. I don't really care. 

All I know right now is that I have to be awake in 6 hours.

Oh. And that I'm in control again. 

I've got this.