How to not recieve answers to prayers yet.

Yesterday, I was sitting on the couch in an empty home when I got the sudden urge to pray. I got up to leave and basically collapsed. It had been the longest day I've had in a while and I was completely in pieces laying next to the couch. 

It's been a while since I've broken down like that. 

In my mind, I tell myself I'm strong. 

I go on and on about how I've come so far and done so much. I remind myself constantly that life moves on and I refuse to stand still with it moving all around me. I'm strong. 

But its moments like that, last night, that I have to accept that I'm not. 

So I humbled myself and knelt and prayed. 

You know, I'm not gonna lie and talk about how it was perfect and answered all of my questions and I felt the spirit and blah blah blah. Because, honestly, I didn't. 

I hear all these stories about "And I was praying and crying and suddenly the spirit washed over me and I was calm." And I kinda expected that to happen. But it didn't. 

I was just a girl in a big, empty house crying on a couch to someone who didn't seem to be listening. 

And as I was praying, this made me mad. Because sometimes, I just want God to tell me He's got a plan and I'm gonna be okay. But I didn't get that. Why not?

I finished what I needed to say and I sat there. Scared to get up. I wanted my answer. I didn't want to leave without answers. Because I knew that if I stood up and walked out of that house without answers, I'd be in tears again quickly and I'd never be okay. 

And guess what. I sat there for a while. Waiting for my answer. And I got no answer. 

Then, randomly, I got this impression that I needed to stand up and leave. But I refused. Where the eff was my answer? 

So I sat there.

And then I got a reply. Not an answer. But a reply. 

This was that I needed to get up. That I wasn't going to get an answer tonight because I'm not ready for it. That life moves on and I need to stand up and figure out how to be okay until my answers happen. 

I didn't feel the spirit. And I didn't feel calm. And right now, I still feel on the brink of crying. 

But yet here I am. 

Sitting and writing this and waiting for my answer. 

Why? 

Because I know. 

I don't believe in God. I know God. 

And just like I get mad at my friends when they don't tell me things, sometimes I get mad at Him. But I know him. 

I don't hope for an answer. I know I'll get an answer. 

And just like I get impatient to find out answers from friends, I get impatient waiting for answers from Him as well. But I know I'll get one. 

I'm a girl who didn't get an answer or feel the spirit or get calmed. I have no wonderful miracle to share with you. I have no story to tell you to make you think "Wow. Her church must be true." 

But I have my simple words to tell you that I know him anyway. 

Our answers don't always come in big ways. Our knowledge doesn't always come in big ways.

In fact, I think my knowledge comes a lot from not getting things in big ways.

But I know.

That's all.