How to have an "off" day.

Today, I noticed someone else had put a link to my blog on their facebook. I've never been so touched in my life. Thank you. 

You know, those "off" days that we get sometimes? The days where nothing feels right... but you aren't sure what exactly is wrong? That was today. After lunch. I don't really know why. I just couldn't make life feel "right" again.

But, here I am. The day is over and I'm staring at my computer for comfort. And, as I write this, I feel at home. This, right here, feels right. So why does nothing else? 

Why do I feel like I'm wasting my time at work? Why do I feel like I messed everything up with friends? Why do I feel like everyone is staring at me and only seeing the things I do wrong?

I'm figuring it out. Really, I'm the problem here. 

My job is a good job. I get paid well. I LOVE the women I work with. It's not overwhelmingly stressful. They work with my schedule so well. But, I'm not happy. Whats wrong? Me, obviously. 

My friends are wonderful people. They care for and love me. They watch ridiculous movies with me and sing loud and obnoxious and it's absolutely wonderful. But, for some reason, I feel like they look at me differently lately and I'm losing people left and right. Whats wrong? Me, obviously. 

I'm meeting new people. And not just new people, wonderful new people. There's no incredible urge to try to beat them at everything. There's no immediate wrong judgment. There's instant friendships. But yet, I swear I see them watching me too closely, noticing every time I say the wrong thing or trip over myself. Whats wrong? Me, obviously. 

The only constant is me. 

Maybe I'm not happy enough. 

Maybe I'm too incredibly negative. 

Maybe I spend too much time trying to fix everyone else and forgetting that I'm sitting here completely shattered. 

I've watched too many dreams fall. Witnessed too many people leave. 

My heart feels mad. At no one else. At nothing else. 

My heart isn't mad about my job. Of course not. 

My heart isn't mad about my friends. Of course not. 

My heart isn't mad about people who see me mess up. Of course not. 

My heart is mad at me. Because I take no time to sit down and fix it.
I spend maybeee an hour writing every day. When I know I need more. 

And I'm mad. I'm mad at me. Because here I am. I'm the constant in everything that's going "wrong."

Do you know how that feels? To look in the mirror and just feel completely angry at the face staring back at you? 

Maybe, to get rid of that, we just need to stop. 

Stop stop stop. 

Stop blaming all your issues on everyone and everything else. Your issues live inside of you. Fix them there, and they will disappear outside of you. 

Stop judging yourself. Your issues may be within you, but Gosh. You are more amazing than you will ever be able to comprehend. Issues last only a little while. But you last forever. Without those issues, you are perfect. See yourself like that. Stop focusing on the temporary issues. 

Stop giving up. Fix what you can. Stop assuming that because something happened like that once, its gonna happen like that again. Life moves on. Nothing happens exactly the same twice. Stop pretending it does. Stop giving up on trying to fix things the second time they come around. 

I'm mad and I'm upset and I'm completely in the dark of where I am heading. 

But I can't stay that way. And neither can anyone else. 

Fix it. Not tomorrow. Now.