How to change the world.

"Life is not perfect; it never will be. You just have to make the very best of it and you have to open your heart to what the world can show you. Sometimes it's terrifying and sometimes it's incredibly beautiful. And I'll take both, thanks." - Ryan Joel Zicha. 

Today I woke up and wanted to write from the moment my eyes opened. I think being extremely tired does that to me. Knowing I wouldn't be able to sit down for at least 10 hours to be able to write, I decided to think about it constantly before actually sitting down to write it out. That way, maybe it would be so good.

However, as I sit here thinking about my topic, I am at a loss for words. 

I don't know how to talk about this. I don't know how to say the right words and give off the right meaning. I don't know how to make people feel the way I feel when thinking about it. No amount of practice and classes and lessons can teach me how to do that.

I remember the way I felt when I first found out I had a friend that was in to self-harm. I was a junior in high school and thought those type of things were reserved for other types of people. Not my friends. Not my beautiful, wonderful friends that meant so much to me. 

I remember praying. 

Why me? Why was I was 15 year old girl talking her boyfriend off of a bridge? Why was I the 16 year old girl crying on the phone trying to tell my friend to put the razor down? Why me? 

After junior year I adopted a care free type of attitude. I wasn't around those type of things as much. I avoided them. I didn't like to talk about depression. It made me sick to my stomach. Not because the idea of depression is disgusting. But because I never knew what to say. To try to talk about those feelings... It's overwhelming. There's so much there that when I talk about it I just want to explode with words. Scream and cry and yell and whisper and talk quickly and talk slow... I just need it out. But people don't have time for that. I don't have time for that. 

But this week my heart has been breaking. 

On the 14th, it marked 4 months since the day a friend of mine committed suicide. 

We weren't extremely close. It had been months since we talked and 2 years since we saw each other. But my heart broke that night in a way I could never fully explain. It was like... Everything had been building up to that moment. All those people who had confided their suicidal thoughts to me... All those people who had shown me their scars... All those nights talking people out of hurting themselves... They all led up to the moment he died. 

Even now, remembering him is such an "oh wow" experience. Oh wow he was amazing. Oh wow he smelled good that night. Oh wow he was so funny. Oh wow, hes really gone. 

Take a moment and look in a mirror. Right now. Pause. And look. 

What are your eyes saying? Are you happy? Are you sad? 

I want you to know right now, that being sad is okay. 

I once knew a guy who was sad all the time. And for a long time I tried so hard to make him happy. One night we were sitting there and he asked me why I was trying so hard. I explained that I wanted him to be happy, that he should be happy. He then explained that being sad isn't bad. Being happy isn't necessary. 

I think we so often beat ourselves up over how we feel. When we are sad, we call ourselves pathetic. We think there's something wrong with us. 

But look at you. There's nothing wrong with you. Know now that being sad is okay. Don't even for a second think that its not. 

However, it is not you. It is not a part of who you are. 

When we are little, we are told that we can be anything we wanna be. 

Well we get older and realize this isn't exactly true. If I wanted to be an actress, it probably still wouldn't happen. I can't be that. 

And then we start think we won't ever be anything we wanna be. So if you wanna be happy, you probably won't be. You'll just stay sad. And then we try to justify that by saying its who we are. 

No. Sadness is not you. Depression is not you.

You can be anything you want to be. 

You can be happy. 

Know that now.

We hurt ourselves. We starve ourselves. We torture ourselves. We mock ourselves. We kill ourselves.  

But we don't have to do that. 

This doesn't have to be us. Not us.

I know people will read this and disregard what I'm saying. Maybe you're happy. Maybe you've never harmed yourself in anyway. Maybe you've never known of someone who has. 

But listen to me. The world needs you. People like Ryan need you to understand them. Don't, even for a second, let yourself live in ignorance to the things happening around you. Don't walk by someone crying and leave them be. Don't read statuses on facebook crying for help and just press like and move on. Don't look a friend in the eye and see them hurt and just change the subject. We need you. 

Lives don't need to be lost. People don't need to bleed. People don't need to starve. We don't need to be sad. 

So Ryan Joel Zicha, this is for you. 

You were absolutely stunning. You left such a big mark on my heart that I cannot forget. So many days I wonder what could have happened had someone stopped you. What you would be doing instead. But you're making the change you wanted to see. You changed so many people. And even if you hadn't, you changed me. And one person can be the start of something big. You started something big. Bigger than you even. 

We love you deeply Ryan. 

Hey guys, just for today, notice. 

Notice the things that need to change. That you think need to change. 

And then be. 

Be the change you want to see. Because if you aren't, who will be? 

And now, more than ever, we need change. 

Sometimes life is terrifying and sometimes it is beautiful. Take both. Love both. 

And remember this:

"There is a sacredness in tears; they are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love."- Ryan Joel Zicha