How to do everything wrong.

Be born.

People will come to visit you and your family and tell them what a cute baby you are.

Grow up a little bit. Be an average 2 year old girl. Pull your brothers hair while he is playing Mario. Sit with your mom on the hammock outside and tell her how beautiful she is. Hug your dad every few minutes and tell him how much you love him. Play with barbies.

Grow up a little bit more. Form opinions. Decide that its not fair that the little girl next door gets everything she wants. Realize how cute the little boy in your day care is. Insist people call you other names because your name is ugly. Decide that meat is gross.

That last opinion will become the most important one later. Once people start realizing it, your family will get angry. You'll be sent to bed without dessert a lot of nights because you didn't eat all of your dinner. But, of course, your mom will think your so cute and pathetic looking that she will give you dessert a little later anyway most the time.

Get a baby brother. Cry because he isn't a girl. Tell everyone you're mom is pregnant before she wants people to know. Tell everyone your family is moving before they want anyone to know. Get in to a lot of trouble all of the time. When your brother is born, realize that no one wants to pay attention to you anymore. But be okay with it, because he is pretty cute.

Move to a completely different place. Be miserable because you miss the beach and the warmth. Hate that it snows. 

Continue getting in trouble because you don't eat right. Now, you're not cute enough for your parents to be nice about your punishments.

Eventually, your siblings will realize they don't like you. They will make fun of you for being the only blond in the family. They won't let you watch That Thing You Do with them. They will call you fat. They will tell you that no one loves you.

Be very upset about it every time.

When you enter school, your friends will tell you how much they hate you because of your religion. You're only 7, this shouldn't be a issue, but it is.

In 4th grade, finally find a best friend. Love her more than anything.

In 6th grade she will move. Cry a lot. Go back to your old friends.

Stop sleeping.

Eventually your parents will realize something is wrong. They will try to fix you.

Your sister will tell you that she is pretty sure that you are mentally messed up. Believe her. Wonder if you will ever be okay.

Go through middle school. By the end of 8th grade, decide to fix yourself. Start over.

Get new friends. Start caring about your school work. Start telling your mom things again. Start praying again.

Your parents will be embarrassed to take you out to eat. They don't want people to know that you don't eat right. Every time you will feel sick they will start to yell at you about how its your own fault.

Stare at them while they yell.

Nod.

Slowly walk to your room. Lay down. Feel broken.

Get a little off track. Realize that you aren't, and never will be, perfect. Wish that someone would see you as perfect though. Wonder if anyone ever will.

Go through the hardest year of your life thus far. You'll cry a lot and think that you will never feel alright again. But you will.

Keep you friends close. You need their love. 

When things finally feel better, let someone else in. Love him more than you ever thought you could. It won't last long, though. He won't stay.

When he leaves, cling to your friends even more. After a few months, it will all feel better.

Before that can happen, however, find someone else who will help you feel attractive.

He will claim that you are incredibly beautiful and that he just wants to be with you. But he will leave. Know that the number of times that you will see him again within your life will be less than you can count on both hands.

Eventually, realize that you are okay alone. Realize that you don't need anything more than your friends.

Go for a while believing this.

Within this time your parents will become obsessed with your eating habits. They will take you to a dietitian and try to convince you to eat like them. When they can't fix you, they will be angry. Your siblings will make fun of you more. They will continuously tell you that something is wrong with you.

Eventually let someone else in. Not because you actually like him, but because your a little lonely and a little desperate. He will claim to be in love.

Say things you shouldn't say, create the illusion of feelings that aren't really there.

When hes gone, feel a little relieved.

Know that there is always going to be someone else around the corner waiting for you.

And then someone else will come along.

Quickly fall in love despite what you actually want.

This will be, by far, the hardest relationship for you. But also, by far, the one you feel the safest in. Experience what love should really be like.

Keep him for as long as possible.

Your family will call you ugly and fat. They will tell you that you need to work out more. They will complain about everything you do. Life will sometimes be incredibly hard to deal with.

Feel overwhelmed.

Write.

Take a break.

How to wait.

Close your eyes. 

Visualize the room your sitting in. See the books stacked in every corner. The empty fish tank sitting on the dresser. The Cd's scattered all around the floor. The crumpled up papers covering the carpet. Realize how completely messy this room is. Realize how much this room is just... you. 

Remember when you read all those books. The words your eyes have seen and loved. 

Remember when your friends had listened so well that they knew to buy you fish. How happy you were. 

Remember when you listened to those cd's over and over again. Memorizing every word. 

Remember the words you wrote. Remember hating them. 

Allow yourself to feel. 

Feel alone because no one is besides you. Nothing even swimming in that tank anymore.

Feel afraid because you don't know whats in store for you next. 

Feel wonderful because he loves you. 

Feel sad because you can't fix anything. 

Feel apathetic because your starting to just not care about anything now. 

Feel tired.

Hold your breath. Count to 3.

Tell yourself everything is okay. 

Smile. Not because your happy or because you know everything is fine. But because you know its whats expected of you. Because you know other people need to think your okay. 

The longer you hold the smile, the easier it is to forget that it isn't real. The more real it becomes.

Assume that's how all emotion works. The more you pretend, the more real it becomes. If your sad, you can pretend to be happy and soon enough, you will be. 

Happiness comes and goes. As does every other emotion. It's just harder to see when one emotion will go and another one come. 

Just sit and wait. When things are hard, remember the happy times. When things are happy, soak it all in for when things are hard.

Close your eyes. Shut them tight. 

Hold your breath. 

Wait. 

How to lose yourself temporarily.

Remember all those lists you made throughout your whole life up to this point. All the ones about things you need to accomplish before you die, things your scared of, things your future husband needs to be, and things you'll never do. 

Burn them. 

Want to know why? Because the person that you were while you wrote those lists is now gone.

You decide if this is a good or bad thing.

Remember when you were younger. Remember all the mistakes you made at such an early age, but how completely innocent you still were. Think about the lists you made back then. Realize how completely happy you are that those lists don't exist anymore. Wonder where you would be right now if you had followed that path. 

Remember when you focused so much on becoming better. Wonder why those lists aren't appealing to you anymore.

Remember a few months ago, when you had to sit down and plan out your life. Wonder if any of those lists still apply now.

Sit and look at all the lists. 

Wonder where that person is now.

Wonder why you don't seem to exists anymore.

Write. 

Look for yourself in the words. 

How to cope.

Sit in complete silence. 

The only thing you should be able to hear is the hum of the computer and the clicking of the keyboard as you type.

Take breaks from typing every few minutes. 

Just listen. Hear nothing. Cherish it. 

Love that you don't hear people yelling. Love that no one is reminding you of everything you aren't. Love that you don't even hear the sounds of yourself being upset. 

Of course, it won't stay this way for long. 

Before you know it, there will be sound everywhere once again. 

Listen to the guitar being played downstairs. Listen to the arguments being had in the next room. Listen to your phone buz next to you. Listen to your heartbeat pick up as you feel completely overwhelmed in sound.

Consider buying some earplugs. 

Close your eyes. 

Wait till it all fades into the background. 

Focus on the hum of the computer and the sound of typeing. 

Write. Delete. Then write again. (This is becoming a common cycle.)

Read over it. Give up. 

Post.

How to be tired.

Live cautiously for about 11 years.

Then simply give up.

You can do anything after that. However, know that there's part of you that will always continue to be cautious.

About 4  years later, give up on the cautious part of you. Dream.

Attract the type of people that no one else wants to be friends with. From now on, this will always be your life. Get used to it.

Learn to love this about yourself. Look around at all the other people and realize that no one else even compares to your friends.

However, these type of people tend to carry a lot of baggage.

Try to understand your limit. You can only handle so much.

Let people open up to you and tell you everything. Give out advice on a daily basis. Let them cry.

Don't let yourself cry for 2 years. Stay strong for the people that need you.

Eventually, break down.

Don't let people find out. Don't become the person that people feel the need to help.

Continue living like this.

Gradually become more and more tired.

Stop fighting with people. Stop standing up for yourself. Stop helping.

You're just too tired.

How to have a perfectly imperfect day.

Begin with sleeping. Don't take long to do this. Maybe 3 hours a night will do. You'll be angry and irritable and feel sick all the time, but hey, that's what college is about, isn't it?

Press the snooze button too many times. Realize that you woke up too late and jump out of bed in a hurry.

Finish the last little bit of a paper you had been writing all night. Run a brush through your hair and put on a tiny amount of make up. Run out the door. Realize its freezing.

Start your car. Start to speed. 15 over is a good amount to go with.

Get to class. Pretend to pay attention. (Realize you tend to do this a lot.)

Find out the paper you spent so long on is now not due for a few more days.

Be angry.

Go out and stare at food.

Wish you could eat without feeling guilty.

Sit on a chair and observe the people walking by. One guy smiles at everything, even when hes really annoyed with the people trying to get him to buy cupcakes. One girl talks too much but is strangely very convincing and has a calming effect on the guy who is yelling at her.

Just sit there. Wonder if anyone every observes you like you observe them.

Text your boyfriend about how angry you are.

He will try to calm you down with words like "I love you. Your the best." But, of course, the words are starting to lose their effect.

Look up. See him walking towards you. Realize that everything is okay.

Sit with him. Lay your head on his chest. Feel his heart beat. Decide that nothing else in the world sounds so wonderful.

Spend some time alone.

Love.

Rush to work. Sit at a desk for 5 hours.

"click click click click click"

Walk out of work. Feel overwhelmed. Know that there is so much to do and not enough time, not enough motivation.

See his truck.

Stand and stare at it for a little while. Instantly feel better. Walk to the door and see him sleeping. Smile. Think about how if it wasn't so cold outside, you'd let him sleep and you'd just stand there for a little while, taking it all in.

Open the door. Watch him jump at the sound. Smile.

Go out to get fries from Mcdonalds.

Think about how if he wasn't there, you wouldn't be eating tonight.

Love him for making you eat.

Smile.

Laugh.

Love.

Sit in the car. Sit in his arms. Lay with him. Hear his heart beat. Feel his heart beat.

Love every second.

Let things fall apart for a second. It makes it all feel more real. Know that life can't always be a dream. But its all the imperfect things about it that make it so worth living.

Say goodbye.

Drive home slowly. 

Think back on the day. Realize that thinking like that makes you an inattentive driver, which is bad.

Go home.

Decide to eat again.

Lay on your bed.

Just feel.

Write.

Post.

<3

How to not enjoy the rain.

Wake up. Smell the rain. Sit up for a minute and stare out the window. 

Breath in. 

Breath out. 

Fail to receive that little jump the heart does normally when the weather is like this.

Get ready for the day. Feel like its way too cold outside to even be out of bed. 

Stare out the window. Sit there for a while. Sit there for way too long. Don't feel anything though. Just watch the rain fall down and the earth shiver. Stare at the grass that you've once danced on and rolled in and watched the clouds go by on. Its now cold and wet. In a short amount of time, it will be covered in snow once again. Feel a strange attachment towards it. Wish you could go out and lay in the sun for just a little longer. But the sun is not there. Close your eyes.

Be late. When your late, you tend to hurry. Hurrying makes things less enjoyable. 

Run out to the car in a skirt and heels. Curse the cold wind as it blows your skirt up and makes you flash the car passing by.

Be completely angry and cold. Take comfort in the fact that someone you love will be where you are going. 

Arrive 15 minutes late. Rush in to the bathroom before reaching your class to fix your hair and make sure your not showing too much skin. 

Sit in class next to a girl you hardly know. Pretend to pay attention. Wait till everyone stands to go, then stand and walk to the next class. 

Talk to friends. Feel apathetic.

Your just to tired to deal with it. 

Walk by the door. Look outside. Hate the cold.

When you reach the next class your friend will leave. Luckily you have someone you love with you. 

Hold his hand. Sit close to him.

Sit with him after everything is over. Feel a little empty.

Walk with him to his car. Watch him turn on the heat as you sit and let him hold you. The heat from the car won't be able to warm you up. Realize that even his body next to you and holding you won't even be able to do the trick, not today.

Have one of those conversations that can end in one of two ways.

1. Things get fixed. Some worries go away.

2. It just ends. Not just the conversation, but the whole wonderful dream that life has been the last few months, just over. 

Hope and Pray that it ends without a goodbye. 

After a few minutes of talking (or rather sitting in silence most the time and occasionally saying important things), say goodbye with an "I love you," and a kiss. 

Let him open the door to your car for you. Sit in it. Watch the rain fall on your front window. Hear the rain fall all around you and the wind hit your car. Watch him walk away in the rain. Wonder when you'll watch him walk away for the last time.

You still have him for now, but wonder when it will become too hard to keep it up. Wonder when he won't be able to handle your silly demands anymore

Wonder if one day you'll never have to say goodbye.

Start to drive home. Look in to your rear view mirror and watch him start to drive home as well. 

Realize that you have never loved anyone more.

Realize that nothing else matters. Whether he is sad or you are sad, know that happiness always follows sadness. Wait for the happiness.

Listen to the rain.

Wish for it to go away.

Wait for the sunshine. 

Wish for the happiness.

And it begins.

Sit back.

Stare at the paper. 

(Or, well, the computer in this case.)

Remember what it feels like to type. Remember what it feels like to use words so intimately.

Try your best to pretend that it doesn't hurt to realize how long it's been since the last time. 

Write for a short amount of time. Delete almost everything then start over. Repeat. 

Write. Feel. Delete. Feel. Write. Delete. 

Repeat.

Exclude the "Delete" part of the process.

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