Wednesday, July 27, 2011

How to love yourself more than this.

I'm supposed to love myself more than this. 
You are supposed to love yourself more than this. Stop reading this, feeling sorry for yourself. Knock it off. Love yourself more than that. Stop crying every night while going to sleep. Love yourself more than that. Stop starving yourself of things you really need. Love yourself more than that. Stop talking about you as if your worth nothing. Love yourself more than that. Stop thinking the world is falling apart always. Love yourself more than that. Stop returning to painful memories or places or actions. Love yourself more than that. 
Stop it. You're wonderful. And could be so happy. Let yourself. Love yourself enough for that. 
I'm supposed to love myself more than this.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

How to be who you are supposed to be.

Sometimes, I stare at myself. 
I don't mean I just sit in front of the mirror and stare. Usually. I mean, when I'm doing my hair or my make up or getting changed... I stare at myself. I take a second and just look. 
And sometimes, it amazes me how little I know about the person I'm looking at. 
Here I am, 19, and totally reinventing myself. 
You know, I thought I knew exactly who I was until I was 15. That was when it changed again. And then I changed a little tiny bit through the years after that. But not much. I had myself figured you. A year ago exactly, I had myself figured out. 
Then life hit and I lost every idea of what I thought I was. 
I lost it because I had to block memories of it. 
I realize it a little bit every day. 
Every so often, a memory hits me and I can't breathe. 
It's like, who I was wants to burst out of the little box I put her in. She remembers everything. She remembers the pain and the fun times and the lessons learned and the feelings and everything. And I shut her in a box. Because I don't love her. She hurts too much, I don't love her. 
So I put her in this little box and forgot about her and had to start completely over. 
There was no foundation to build me on. I just kinda started. 
And I'm scared. Because, what if I fail?
 What if the person I'm building, fails? What if I drop her and she shatters all over the floor? What if a storm hits and she gets taken away by the wind? Shes so fragile. 
Life is scary. 
Figuring out who you are is scary. 
Changing who you are completely is scary. 
But sometimes, it's the only real option. 
Because you know, you ARE meant to be something. Someone great. 
And it may take your entire life to figure out who that is and to become that person. 
But you have to. 
Because people need you. 
You need you. 
Sometimes I look in the mirror. And I just stare at myself. And I wonder who I'm going to be. And who needs me that way.

Friday, July 22, 2011

How to be defined.

I would much rather have posted the actual video here, as that wouuuld be easier to access, but I can't find it on youtube and it won't let me any other way. 
Basically, however, I think it's the most beautiful thing I've watched in a while. 
Do you ever wonder what defines you? I think alot of us spend a lot of time wishing we were more original. But not so original that we are hated. We fear being hated. That fear, however, stops us from being original. 
So, does that mean we are defined by our fear? 
Is that all we really are? Just the image of fear? 
I wonder what life would be like if we stopped being afraid. 
Who would we be? 
No more fear of not being perfect. No more fear of not being loved. No more fear of tomorrow. No more fear of ourselves. No more fear of the unknown. 
Freedom.
We'd be free. 

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

How to face your fears.

In 9th grade I was in a play. At a Saturday rehearsal, I was standing out in the hall with 2 of my new friends. We were new friends and I was weird and shy so I wasn't saying a lot. Somehow they got on the topic of their biggest fears. I remember the guy saying that his was never finding love, which I thought was really weird for a guy. And I remember the girl said she was scared of being alone. I sat there in E building that day trying to figure out what my biggest fear was. And that was when I decided that I was so scared of being alone and never being loved. Both of their fears put together. 
Ever since then, that's what I've told people when I've been asked. 
But for the last 6 months (whoa, has it really been that long?) I've been lying. 
I'm not scared of being alone. I faced that. Being alone isn't that bad. I'm not scared of not being loved. I've done that. It's not all that awful. 
My biggest fear is that I won't be happy. 
I haven't been extremely happy in a while now. I mean, it comes and goes. And I know I'm blessed. And there's some days that I know I'm perfectly content and life can't really get any better. And every day I gradually feel better. It's a long process. 
However, I'm scared that I will always be this. 
I'm scared that I surrounded myself with sadness so much, that I damaged me. That maybe I can't really be happy anymore. 
The biggest issue with my fear is that I have no comforting thoughts. I can't talk myself out of it. There's no, "Oh the chances are I will be happy, life always works out like that." Because I know it doesn't. Depression is all around me. So who's to say I won't join the crowds?
I'm scared a lot. 
But when we are scared, we have no choice but to face it at some point. 
You know, maybe I won't ever be as happy as I used to be again. Maybe I am permanently damaged. But I can't know until I face it and fight it. 
And if we fight our fears, when they happen they don't seem so scary. They just seem like what is supposed to happen. Which is strangely comforting. 
I don't think God gave us fears to scare us. 
I think he gave us fears to give us something to work for. 
Breathe in. Breathe out. 
Life moves on.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

How to love unconditionally.

So I'm sitting on my bed and I'm yawning every few seconds and I'm distracted by facebook and I'm trying to decide what love is. 
See, there's examples everywhere. Like, the old couple holding hands as they walk across the street. Or the little "I love you" comments posted on facebook. Or the kisses you see secretly stolen in public places. Or when my dad gives me a blessing. Or when my mom listens to me talk for hours. Or when my sister does the dishes for me when I'm heart broken. Or when my brother stays home to help me put up a bookshelf. Or when my little brother tells me he missed me. Or the sweet hugs from small cousins. 
It's everywhere. So you'd think it would be easy to figure out just what exactly love is. 
Because everyone has a different view on it. 
"Love is speaking in code. It's an inside joke. Love is coming home." -The Format. 
I was talking to someone earlier about love. And he said he thought it was unconditional. 
And at first that seemed like a no duh type of description. Then I started to wonder if it was conditional. I mean, don't we all want unconditional love? Wouldn't that be fabulous to meet someone who would love you even if you gained 250 pounds and had a mental illness? It's what we want. It's security. But IS it unconditional? Really, you gotta question it. There's so many break ups and divorces and broken hearts in this world. If love was unconditional, would that be the case? 
Well I decided that true love is unconditional. But true love is not romantic love. 
See, romantic love dies. I hear it all the time, "They just fell out of love."
Being IN love is conditional. If I was in love and they cheated on me or something of that sort, I wouldn't be in love with them anymore. That would go away. However, I would love them still.
Because love doesn't die. 
I don't think love ever goes away. But it evolves. 
I'm looking back on my past relationships, or whatever you wanna call them, and I will honestly say I love all of those men. I'm not in the least bit in love with them, but I love them. And I don't think that goes away. It just grew in to something else. At one point, I was in love with them. Something changed that. And now I just love them. No romantic feelings attached. 
Now here I come to my second thought process. 
Do we love unconditionally? And if not, since I have decided love is unconditional, do we love at all? I mean, people get left all the time after years and years of love and commitment. If that love was unconditional, would either person leave?
So maybe we don't love at all. Maybe we just wish and pretend. 
But then I decided that sometimes love means leaving. 
Sometimes, the greatest showing of love is in the simple act of letting the other person live their life without you. 
Isn't that sad? 
Unconditional love is when my dad wakes up after a 20 hour work day just so he can give me a blessing when I'm crying or have gone on the wrong path. It's when my mom listens to me talk for hours even though she wants to watch her show. It's when my sister does dishes for me even though I steal her cd's all the time. It's when my older brother builds my bookshelf even though he thinks a "retarded monkey" could even set it up. It's when my little brother admits to having missed me when he was on vacation even though I yell at him all the time. It's when he showed me his scars and I still didn't run away. It's when he walked out that door for my own good despite loving me. It's when my friends took me back in even though I had left them. It's when we argue all the time but stick around anyway because we know we're better together. 
That's unconditional love. 
It's not made up of kisses and hugs and romantic dates. It's made up of the little things we do to protect each other. 
And that doesn't go away. 
So THATS what I think love is. 
"When I say I love you, it isn't just some emotion I have for you. It means our friendship is strong and I'm fighting for you. Emotions don't last long."

Monday, July 11, 2011

How to realize I'm not happy.

So this is where I face the reality that I'm not happy. 
Which is pretty effing annoying. 
I was doing so good. Figuring things out. But I was lonely. Then someone very wonderful came along and stopped the lonely feeling and I leaned on him. But I wasn't happy. I'm not happy. It just caused stress on both of us because I'm too heavy for him to support me leaning on him and his own life at the same time.
So this is where I face the reality that I'm not happy. 
And this is where I figure out how to fix it. 
No more pretending. I'm going to BE. 
Goal time? Darn. I guess so. 
I'll figure it out. And then I'll let you know what they are. 
For now... I'm gonna go pray till I fall asleep. That's what I need.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

How to feel discouraged.

Sometimes I want to scream. 
I want to stand on top of the highest building and scream as loud as possible. 
And it's in those moments that I crawl in bed and lay quietly. Barely even breathing.
I don't know what causes it. Maybe it's being stuck inside so much. Maybe it's working a boring job. Maybe it's the fact that I feel like I'm writing for no one. Maybe it's because I don't know at all where I'm going next. Maybe it's because I have nothing at all to write about.
I just stare at this page and feel so empty. Because I have nothing to say. Nothing worth saying. Nothing you want to read. Nothing people will talk about. Nothing that will move people to tears. Nothing that will change the world. Nothing that will even change the way someone thinks. Nothing worth reading. 
Maybe that's all I am. 
Nothing worth reading. 
Sometimes I want to scream.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

How to pick up the pieces.

I read somewhere that we should write letters to ourselves in the past. 
If you could write a letter to you when you were 5, what would you say? What advice would you give? 
I don't know if I would say anything to me when I was younger. Besides "It get's harder. Just you wait and see how much worse it gets. Smile now because when your older, you won't."
Other than that, I don't know if I have anything to say to little me. 
A year ago, 18 year old me had no idea. And I wish I could write a letter to me then. I wish I could tell me everything that's about to happen. I wish could warn me. 
I read my oldest blogs just now. You know, the ones from before he left. And I felt the strangest feeling. My heart broke for me. It felt like I was reading about someone else and I just wanted to hug her and tell her what was about to happen. I needed to comfort her. And then I realized it was me. And I had this overwhelming feeling that I need to take care of myself. Because I've been broken completely. I'm still in little tiny pieces scattered on the floor. I need to pick myself up now and stop re-breaking me.
I'm so fragile. 
And I don't want to look back in year from now and feel the overwhelming feeling of "I should have been more careful." 
So this is me taking care of myself. 
No more re-breaking. 
Time to put me back together.

How to let people go.

Sometimes, I have the hardest time letting go of people.
You know, for any reason. Whether they move or we having a falling out or they die, I can't do it. I can't accept when people are gone.
And I never have been able to. Maybe that why I've stayed such good friends with my friends who moved. Because I can't let them go. I can't imagine someone I love going on through life without me. Or me going on through life without them.
But lately I've had to let people go. And it feels weird. It feels incredibly weird to see an old friend in the store and to smile and talk awkwardly, but know that there's no longer any connection. It feels weird to see pictures of my friend's who have died and know that I will never see that smile again. It feels weird to get texts from old friends and to try to keep a conversation going but knowing that it's pointless. It feels weird to walk away from people, or to stop talking to people, and feel nothing. 
But I had this realization. 
And it was that God knows what he's doing. Which, you know, should be common knowledge, and on some level it was. But it really hit me last night. Because the people that I've needed are still here. Maybe the people leaving have simply served their purpose.
And sometimes I love these people more than anything. So it's super hard to let them go. Because I wanna be with them. I want to make sure they are safe. 
But if they needed me, they'd still be here. 
So maybe, we are all going to be okay. 
Whether we have the people we miss or not. 
Either way, we have the people we need. 
And all of us are going to be okay.
And it's a lot easier to let people go when you know they are in hands of God.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

How to pick a fabulous Book! "My Boyfriend Wrote a Book About Me" Review!


So this is something I've been wanted to do since school got out, but I've been far too lazy to actually sit down and do it and hadn't read anything that made me actually have the drive to do this. So I pretty much just said "screw it" to the idea. Until about 2 weeks ago when I picked up the most fabulous book. 
I was walking through Barnes and Nobel and went book hungry. I spent a little over $200 on books that week... So, expect more and more book reviews this summer! 
But, as I walked through the store, I stopped and went through their "New releases" table, needing a good book to pick up and start my book addiction! And wow was I lucky when I picked up this fabulous book. 
My Boyfriend Wrote a Book About Me written by Hilary Winston was absolutely fantastic from the the cover of the book right down to the structure of the paragraphs. 
I knew this was the book for from the second I read the first like on the back of her book: "This book is dedicated to anyone who has ever had their heart broken." And as I read it I quickly found those words to be absolutely true. 
This book wasn't written for just the heart broken people who get over it in a week. Or for the people (like me) who take months and months to get over love. Or for the people who become overwhelmingly depressed after a break up. Or for the people who take the high road and find the good in a break up. This book was written for everyone. If your heart has been broken, or even slightly beaten up a little, this book was written for you. 
Hilary Winston approaches her book with a whole new outlook on things. Heartbroken with happiness. Depression with humor. It's as if Winston took of all of the awful feelings of loneliness and heartbreak and then hid them under these fabulous stories that will make you smile. The emotions are right there to touch and to understand  and to relate to, but not so much as to overwhelm and depress you. Just enough to make you feel not so very alone. 
If asked what book I would recommend for someone to read, it would be this. Although, as a warning, there are some... "embarrassing" parts in it, as a lady I know would like to say. It is not the more "pure" book out there, but it's real. It's something I wouldn't suggest to my mom, but something I'm eternally happy I didn't miss out on. 
So go buy it. :) promise you'll love it. 
You can buy it here.
Enjoy!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

How to watch your dreams fall apart.

I decided I wanted to write in 4th grade. 
We'd write those stories about what would happen if you were at school and you open a door and there was a skeleton in there. And I'd take them up to my teacher for grading and she'd tell me how wonderful it was. And everyone on my group table would get B's and I'd always have an A. I remember feeling so good and wanting to show everyone. And then I won the Young Authors award. I went to the convention thing and loved every second and decided that I needed to keep writing. I knew I was good at it. 
So from then on when people asked what I wanted to do, my answer was write. 
It even feels good to say. People ask what I'm majoring in and  when I say, "creative writing," itjust feels good. It rolls of the tongue so well.  
And I undeniably am passionate about it. Because nothing in the entire world feels better than writing something I'm proud of. 
But here I am. 
One step away from not writing in this blog anymore. 
It feels like I'm holding on to a worthless dream. 
Because, really, who cares?
I'll never be like Gala Darling. I don't have enough time. Or passion. Or knowledge. And I'm not a fashion blogger. And let's face it, only fashion bloggers get big. 
I just don't have that. 
I'm just a girl sitting on a bed who cries too much and can't let go of the past and sometimes blogs about it. Hoping that someone else needs to read what I have to write. 
And it's just a dream. 
A dream that I lack ability to make come true.

Monday, July 4, 2011

How to be assured that families are forever.

Wanna see what I love most? 
I love kids running on trampolines trying to play duck duck goose but instead saying "I like you. I like you. I LOVE you. I HATE YOU!" apparently goose is code for "I hate you."
I love little girls trying to drink out of a pop can that's just slightly smaller than her head. The best part of this picture is the part that you can't see, and that's the part where we hunted for a bug for a half an hour and then she smooshed with her two fingers just so she could have time to get a drink of pop instead of watching her bug. 
I love these smiles. I love the laughing and smiling and giggling and games and love. This right here is innocence at its best. 


I love the thought process behind this. I love how she just threw herself back carelessly. I love that she is small enough to do this.
I love how absolutely beautiful she looks without trying. Without makeup. Without a pose. Without even knowing shes getting her picture taken. I love thinking that maybe she will stay like that. Maybe she will always know she's beautiful.
I love this precious moment. This sweet little baby and her grandpa. My big strong uncle and his so fragile granddaughter.

Also, I just really love this picture cuz it shows just HOW tired my family was after hosting the first big holiday party of the year so far. He fell asleep with a Popsicle in his mouth this morning. How funny. :) 
See, that's what I love the most. Out of anything in the entire world. 
I love that my family is going to be together forever. 
I love that those little kids are going to grow up and I'm gonna be able to see what they become. I love that no matter what happens, I'm sealed to them. This big huge family of mine that's constantly growing. 
I love the sweet hugs from these kids. I love singing the ABC's. I love pulling them in wagons. I love holding them while watching fireworks. I love picking out books for them to read. I love kissing their knees when they fall down. I love taking them to the bathroom. I love listening to their stories. I love letting them type on my phone. I love when they tell me they love me. 
This is what I love most. 
This family. My family. 
My completely eternal family.