How to be without.

Want me to be honest? 
I'm not sure I think Love is for me. 
Weird for a romantic to say. But it's true. 
But of course, I don't think anything is for me lately. 
Nothing but those lights. 

How to spend $30 on a handcuff necklace

Let me tell you about my 30 dollar handcuff necklace. 
It started when I was in 8th grade, when I became obsessed with the idea of getting a handcuff keychain that I saw in the mall in one of those stupid 25 cent machines. I used at very least, 3ish bucks at that machine trying to get the handcuffs, until one day that machine was filled with sticky toys instead of the guns and handcuffs. I got a lot of cool gun keychains from that one though. 
So my hunts for these handcuffs began. There were some in Taco Time, I spent a few bucks there, with no luck. 
One day, our video stores all closed. This was a sad day. No Great American Video. No Hollywood Video. It was depressing. And we wanted to rent a movie. So I packed in to the car with a few friends and we went to Video Stop. A little video store that smells like Pot. It was gross and I missed Hollywood Video. 
Well, we walked in and we were looking around and I noticed some coin machines, one of which had handcuff in it!!!! So I pulled my friend over and made him give me all his change and spent about 5 bucks trying to get them. Stupid 50 cent machine. Taking all of my money. I ended up with some dumb "Bling" and no handcuffs. Well, for about 3 years after, we returned to that video store ALL the time, and every time I remembered, I would use my change and try for my handcuffs. Within the past 3 months, maybe a little more, we have gone at very least once a week and each time, i'd put at least 50 cents in, if not more. Sometimes it was a few dollars. And of course, I ended up with about a thousand stupid rings that fall apart all the time and some dumb necklaces with skulls on them.
I was getting close to giving up, it looked like I was never going to get them. I was pretty convinced there was only ONE that had the handcuffs in it and it was that one at the top that I could see, which would take at least 50 dollars to get to. Every time, I would put some money in, twist the knob thingy, and pray, and then get shot down. How disappointing. I'd leave a little sad, with more stupid jewelry to put in my bag for my friends daughter next time they come to town. SO MUCH STUPID JEWELRY.
And no handcuffs for Maren. 
The other night, however, we went to get a movie and I remembered I had about 3 dollars in change in my pocket, so while my friends were checking out IT, I was wasting my money. 
Every time I twisted it and another stupid ring came out, I was alittle more disappointed. 
I wanted them so bad. 7 years. I have had this weird need for small handcuffs for about 7 years now. Weird. I'm super old.
Anyway, 7 years! 
So, I'm about to give up, and then I realize I had one more quarter in my pocket. And so I felt in my other pocket and found another. So I put them in and get ready to find another stupid ring, but instead, MY HANDCUFFS FELL OUT!! I was more than overjoyed. It was probably the happiest moment of my life.
The point is, that all the time, every time I had a chance, just some change in my pocket, I would try to get what I wanted. 
For so long, that's all I wanted. 
And I tried. I spent so much money. That's 30 dollars I totally could have used that for something else but I didn't. I spent it on these dumb handcuffs that I wanted and couldn't seem to get. And even though I was so disappointed every time I tried and failed, ending up without my handcuffs, I still tried. Knowing that the chances were against me. But Finally it happened, and I got those stupid handcuffs and I was so happy. I described it as the happiest I've ever been, which really was obviously NOT true. But it was the greatest moment, even if it was only for a moment.
And I feel like life is like that, a dang lot of the time. We put so much of what we have in to what we want. And we end up with a lot of stupid rings. Let's say relationships, cuz that's really all I actually know about. Anyway, We put little bits and pieces of what we are in to a relationship, hoping for it to be the "one" that will be perfect and the one you have always wanted. And you have this split moment of super excited, yay this is really gonna work out feelings, and then you realize that what you really ended up with is something that you totally don't need, is a little broken, and is just dumb. 
But for some reason you keep trying. Even though you know the odds are against you, you try anyway. Hoping that this time... This time it will be it. This time the handcuffs will come out (haha, that sounded extremely sexual.) But you Try. And Try. And TRYYY. 
And you start to give up hope, just kinda doing it for the habit now. And then, right when you're about to give up, life gives you a little bit more of yourself to give out, and that will be it. 
You'll turn the knob on the 50 cent machine called life and there it is. The exact thing you've been waiting for. And although it's really only meant to be 50 cents, it cost you 30 dollars, give or take a few.
And you love it enough for it to be worth that 30 dollars. Sometimes even a little more than that. Because for a brief moment, you know that everything you've ever wanted in life is exactly in place. it fell in to your  hands and you want to cry because it's so perfect. And now you don't have to give little bits and pieces of yourself away anymore. 
I know this is ridiculous to learn from these stupid handcuffs. But it felt like what I was supposed to learn. 
They weren't exactly what I expected, you know. I actually wanted a key chain. I thought it was a key chain in there. That's what I expected and wanted. But it came out as a necklace. Which for a moment was disappointing. Until I realized this way, I can wear it all the time. it's not on my keys, its on me. And even though it wasn't exactly what I was expecting or wanting, it was exactly perfect for me.
So that's what I learned from my ridiculous little, long, experience with some handcuffs and a lot of quarters. Sometimes you gotta wait forever and try and try and try and hope that it happens, even when you know there's a high chance it won't. Sometimes you gotta spend way too much of yourself to get what you want. Sometimes you'll end up with a lot of stupid rings that fall apart all the freaking time before you get the handcuffs. But the handcuffs will come. And it will be more than just perfect. It will be the happiest moment of your life, if only for a fleeting second. 

How to..............

Temple trip? 
Not the best. 
Far from the best. 
I just want to feel the spirit. That's all. 
"So I pray to him. Stay with me. Stay with me."

How to feel stuck.

I know I should be asleep. But it's finals week and I don't think I'd be a college student if I actually went to bed on time so I decided to stay up even though I've finished my final of the night. 
I should be revising my creative writing poem and nonfiction story. I should be studying for Spanish. I should be filling out my Psych review sheet. Or working on the paper. Or washing my clothes. Or doing ANYTHING but this. 
But of course, here I am. 
I used to write every day. 
Sometimes twice a day. 
I used to have things to say. 
What happened to it all? Why is it that I now only write about 4 times in a month? When did I lose that depth? When did I stop having things I felt needed to be said? When did I decide being quiet was a good option? 
I miss that part of me. 
I miss the part of me that was so happy. I miss the part of me that was so sad. 
I don't like this in-between Maren. She's too indecisive. She doesn't know if she's happy or sad or what. It's rather annoying. I want her to make up her mind and be either all sad or all happy. Non of this bittersweet feeling anymore. Because this feeling provides no solace in writing. So it stares at blank pages and dreams of words covering them and people commenting on them. Like these blank pages used to be. So full of life. 
I wonder what I'm doing here. And why I'm not there. And if I'm in the wrong place entirely. 
Maybe Pocatello, ID isn't right for me. Maybe BYU I is. Or Utah State. Or... you know, anywhere else. 
I'm feeling rather stuck.

How to let go of sadness.

I sometimes just wanna throw my sadness up in the air and scream I'm done and just be happy. Shouldn't it be that easy? I like to think so. But apparently it's not. 
BUT what if it is? 
What if all it takes is throwing your sadness up in the air and screaming "Screw that!" and then simply... being happy?
What if all it takes is simply letting go of the things that make you sad? 
Or simply... stop wanting to be sad? 
Isn't that a strange concept? Actually wanting to be sad? 
I don't think we do it on purpose. I don't think we wake up and think "I'm gonna be sad today! Eff yeah!" 
I don't think it works like that. We don't plan it. 
But I think... maybe we like the attention. Or the sympathy. Or being different. Thinking that no one else in the world feels like you. Or maybe feeling like now you're part of this cool sad group. All joined together in your sadness. We like the feeling of unity. 
Or rather, maybe sadness is all we know so we get comfortable in it and don't want to give it up and try something new because what if you fail? What if you ruin it all and then suddenly, you're sad AND you know you never have a chance of being happy? 
That feels more likely to me. 
We are scared that happiness doesn't fit us. And we know sadness does. So we stay sad. 
So why not just let that fear go and just be happy? It can't be any harder than being sad. Actually, it's probably easier because when you're happy getting out of bed is easy. And going to class is easy. And laughing is easy. And making other people happy is easy. And in turn, being happy yourself is easy.
It's gotta be so much easier than sadness. So why don't we try it? 
I want to be able to say I threw my sadness up in the air and now I'm happy. But I'm scared of doing that. Hypocritcal of me, right? 
I'm scared that if I'm not sad, then I was never hurt. And it never really meant anything.
That I was just being dramatic these last few months. 
And I'm scared that if I let it go and I am happy, no one will know me anymore and then they won't love me. 
And so I don't know how to throw my sadness up in the air and scream "Screw you" to it while letting happiness overtake me. I have no idea how to do that because I'm too scared of the concept. 
But maybe I shouldn't be. 
God is on my side, isn't he? Doesn't he love me more than I could ever imagine? 
Doesn't that mean he doesn't want me to be sad? But rather, the happiest I could ever be? 
I think so. 
So maybe it is time I do it. 
Maybe it's time I let him go and let the sadness go and I learn that happiness has a place for me. 
I wish it was easier. But the best things in life are never exactly easy. 
Maybe it's time for YOU to do it as well.
I mean, you're reading this, aren't you? Some of you may be reading it purely because you love me and support me. But there are so many people that find my blog every day because they are searching google for the title. One of the reasons I put this in how to form is to make it easy for those people to find it. And if that's what got you here, it means you are reading this because you need it. 
So let go of it. Throw it up in the air and scream at it. 
And when it starts to fall back to the earth, don't catch it. 
Let it shatter. Stare at the broken pieces. And laugh. Because it's not a part of you anymore. You beat it. 


I dream about being happy all the time now. 
I wake up and feel so empty because of it. 
But do I need to feel empty? 
Or should I feel hopeful? 
I'm gonna go with hopeful. 
Because, me? Well, I'm just tired of being sad.

How to not give up.

"Lord, do you love me? Lord, are you there? Heavenly father, why aren't you talking to me? What happened? What did I do wrong? Are you real? Lord, do you love me?" 
I feel like this is a very common prayer at night for me now. It never stops. I think I'm having a good day and then I start driving home and I return to the broken state that I'm actually in. Repeating "Lord, do you love me?" 
I started driving up Summit drive a few months ago. I started doing it just because I didn't feel ready to go home. I think this was about the same time that I started praying in my car. I started praying  because my heart was broken. And I needed someone to listen, but no one really wants to, now do they? And I hoped that somewhere out there, there was a God listening to me. And for the first time in months, someone would be listening to me. Actually listening. 
So I prayed. And I drove up that hill. And I drove around church buildings. And I'd occasionally glance out and look at the lights of the city. Never looking for too long. Just kinda noticing. And just praying. And for a while, I felt like I was getting somewhere. Like someone was listening. And I felt good about this. I felt good about everything I was saying and I knew He was listening and I knew that somewhere out there, My Savior was listening to me and loving me.
As time went on, I started to notice the lights of the city more. I'd drive up Summit and on my way down, I'd go slow. Barely moving, I would make my way down the hill while looking at the lights. it's so beautiful. 
But as more time went on, I stopped feeling like He was listening at all. And I stopped feeling like he loved me at all. And I stopped feeling like He was even real. 
Don't tell anyone. I don't need their testimonies. I don't need their glares. I don't need their sympathy. 
But I do need their prayers. 
How funny, that even rhymed. 
So for the last 2 months, I've been going up there. Every night, I cry. 
Without fail, I pray. 
Whether I feel like He is real that day or not. I pray. 
Because I want  him to be. More than anything in the entire world. 
I want someone to be listening to me. 
It started when I stopped believing He loved me. 
Because if He loved me, why would I feel like this? And wasn't He taking it away? And why wasn't He here? 
All these people would stand up in testimony meeting and have these beautiful testimonies. And it felt like he was too busy with all of them to focus at all on me. He didn't care about me enough. He pushed me to the back corner and told me to wait while He took care of my friends. While I was dying a little every day. 
I was the closest I've ever been to hurting myself.
And He wasn't there. 
My Savior wasn't there. 
And I was praying to him. It wasn't like I wasn't trying. It wasn't like I wasn't praying every night to Him. It wasn't like I wasn't going to church every Sunday. Or reading my scriptures. 
He simply wasn't there. He simply didn't love me. 
And it made sense. 
So I told myself it over and over again while I prayed to Him. 
Begging Him to love me, I convinced myself that He didn't. 
Asking Him where he had gone, I convinced myself He had left. 
And then I began to wonder where He went. Or if He was real at all. 
Because He's supposed to be there with me. He's supposed to love me. He's suppose to talk to me. He died for me. I shouldn't have to feel this. He died so I wouldn't have to, didn't He? So why did I feel it still? Why wasn't his atonement working? 
And my world shattered as I began to accept the reality that there is actually a chance that He isn't real.
But I realized something today. 
I will never give up. 
Because too many times before, He has been there. 
And I know one day, I will die and the veil will be lifted and I will see that He was next to me. 
That He was holding my hand while I drove all those nights. That He was stroking my hair while I cried in bed. That He was carrying me to class those days when I wanted to give up. 
And as hard as it gets, He is there. 
He is real. 
He is my Savior. 
And He did die for me. 
And He does have a plan.
And He does love me. 
And I love Him with all my heart. 
So I will not give up.