"Lord, do you love me? Lord, are you there? Heavenly father, why aren't you talking to me? What happened? What did I do wrong? Are you real? Lord, do you love me?"
I feel like this is a very common prayer at night for me now. It never stops. I think I'm having a good day and then I start driving home and I return to the broken state that I'm actually in. Repeating "Lord, do you love me?"
I started driving up Summit drive a few months ago. I started doing it just because I didn't feel ready to go home. I think this was about the same time that I started praying in my car. I started praying because my heart was broken. And I needed someone to listen, but no one really wants to, now do they? And I hoped that somewhere out there, there was a God listening to me. And for the first time in months, someone would be listening to me. Actually listening.
So I prayed. And I drove up that hill. And I drove around church buildings. And I'd occasionally glance out and look at the lights of the city. Never looking for too long. Just kinda noticing. And just praying. And for a while, I felt like I was getting somewhere. Like someone was listening. And I felt good about this. I felt good about everything I was saying and I knew He was listening and I knew that somewhere out there, My Savior was listening to me and loving me.
As time went on, I started to notice the lights of the city more. I'd drive up Summit and on my way down, I'd go slow. Barely moving, I would make my way down the hill while looking at the lights. it's so beautiful.
But as more time went on, I stopped feeling like He was listening at all. And I stopped feeling like he loved me at all. And I stopped feeling like He was even real.
Don't tell anyone. I don't need their testimonies. I don't need their glares. I don't need their sympathy.
But I do need their prayers.
How funny, that even rhymed.
So for the last 2 months, I've been going up there. Every night, I cry.
Without fail, I pray.
Whether I feel like He is real that day or not. I pray.
Because I want him to be. More than anything in the entire world.
I want someone to be listening to me.
It started when I stopped believing He loved me.
Because if He loved me, why would I feel like this? And wasn't He taking it away? And why wasn't He here?
All these people would stand up in testimony meeting and have these beautiful testimonies. And it felt like he was too busy with all of them to focus at all on me. He didn't care about me enough. He pushed me to the back corner and told me to wait while He took care of my friends. While I was dying a little every day.
I was the closest I've ever been to hurting myself.
And He wasn't there.
My Savior wasn't there.
And I was praying to him. It wasn't like I wasn't trying. It wasn't like I wasn't praying every night to Him. It wasn't like I wasn't going to church every Sunday. Or reading my scriptures.
He simply wasn't there. He simply didn't love me.
And it made sense.
So I told myself it over and over again while I prayed to Him.
Begging Him to love me, I convinced myself that He didn't.
Asking Him where he had gone, I convinced myself He had left.
And then I began to wonder where He went. Or if He was real at all.
Because He's supposed to be there with me. He's supposed to love me. He's suppose to talk to me. He died for me. I shouldn't have to feel this. He died so I wouldn't have to, didn't He? So why did I feel it still? Why wasn't his atonement working?
And my world shattered as I began to accept the reality that there is actually a chance that He isn't real.
But I realized something today.
I will never give up.
Because too many times before, He has been there.
And I know one day, I will die and the veil will be lifted and I will see that He was next to me.
That He was holding my hand while I drove all those nights. That He was stroking my hair while I cried in bed. That He was carrying me to class those days when I wanted to give up.
And as hard as it gets, He is there.
He is real.
He is my Savior.
And He did die for me.
And He does have a plan.
And He does love me.
And I love Him with all my heart.
So I will not give up.
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