How to love Thursday.

I'm not feeling very creative today. Not nearly creative enough to be able to write something wonderful and fabulous and thought provoking. 

So we will go straight to the list. Maybe I'll post something wonderful later tonight.

Today I Love.....

~ Watching A Very Potter Musical with my friends again.

~ School is almost out... soooooo.... closeeee.....

~ Cleaning my room. (I NEVER though I would say this. But its been super therapeutic.)

~ Sitting on a yoga ball all the time. So fun. So comfy.

~ Dry brushing my skin. I'm so soft now its ridiculous. :) 

~ Going to the park last night. Summer, get here NOW.

~ Sugar cookie dough. mmmmm.

~ Lyrics. Always. <3 

~ A- on every single speech this semester. Check Yes!

~ Laughing. 

~ Having fun conversations about making out and relationships and helping people and things we wouldn't or shouldn't tell our parents. hahaha. 

~ Gala Darling's Love and Sequins book and podcast. Beautiful. 

~ Painting my room is 2 weeks! 

~ This Blog. Read all her stuff. She's just fabulous. 

....

That's all I can think of right now. To tired for anything else. 

:) So there you have it. 

Now what do you love today?

How to know for sure.

Here I am again sitting in my room completely lost. 

See, sometimes you think you know where you are going. You have it all planned out and you can't see how it could fail. And sometimes it works out really well for a long time. And then right when its there... right within your reach... suddenly it's gone. And you have to start over. 

When I'm upset, I close my eyes. I shut them really tight. It's a habit I've just recently noticed myself doing.

I think I do it because I don't wanna see things going wrong around me. Because when I do, I become so seriously disillusioned.

They were things I once I knew. And suddenly everything tells me I've been wrong the whole time. 

I "knew" my best friend would live near me forever.

I "knew" I was a good enough writer to pass that test. 

I "knew" my first love would stick around.

I "knew" I was going to marry him.

I "knew" he loved me. 

ect. ect. 

And then I was wrong. My best friend moved far away. I didn't pass that test. My first love left quickly. I didn't marry him. And he doesn't love me. 

I was wrong. And those are the moments I close my eyes. Because I don't want to see everything I "know" fall apart. 

As an English major, I realize life is subject to change. It happens all the time. MLA format changes yearly. Studies about life and love are constantly proved wrong and then a new idea comes up. And this isn't just me thats effected by this. Not by a long shot. 

Everyone has change thrown at them on a daily basis. All these things we swear we know, are proved wrong. 

The world was once flat. They were wrong. 

How many things like that are going to be proven wrong within our life? 

It's so hard to be told constantly over and over again that everything we've thought for so long was true, was actually wrong. We are wrong. Never right. Wrong. 

How discouraging, right? 

So here I sit. Thinking about all the times I've been wrong and waiting to find out whats next. 

And its super depressing. And isn't life depressing enough as it is without me thinking of things to make it more so? 

I have this idea. 

It's a beautiful idea. 

It's one where we all stop focusing on things that we have been proven wrong about and start focusing on things that we know for sure. Without a doubt. 

Because we get proven wrong a lot.

So I'm writing a list. 

Things I know for sure.

~ My parents are Dan and Eileen Ruth. And they love me. 

~ Life can be hard. 

~ Life can be beautiful.

~ Sometimes we are wrong.

~ Sometimes things do not work out the way we plan.

~ Life moves on.

~ Things always work out in the end.

~ My Redeemer lives.

~ The Atonement happened.

~ The Atonement works. For every one of us.

~ The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true. 

~ There is a plan. 

~ People die. 

~ People are born. 

~ I am effing great. 

~ Tomorrow I may cry or I may laugh. It can't be predicted. 

~ Tomorrow always comes. 

~ Music is wonderful.

That's all for today. I'm thinking it'll be my new Sunday thing. Thursdays I take for recognizing the little things I love. And Sundays I focus on the things I know for sure.

So go write what You know. 

Now. 

:)

How to heal from past wounds.

So I'm sitting on Facebook trying to think of a topic for a blog when an old friend starts talking to me. 

We've been talking quite a bit recently, so it wasn't exactly random. But it still surprises me every time he decides to talk to me. 

See, when I was a freshman in high school I liked him for a little while. And it didn't exactly go like I planned. Meaning, he did NOT feel the same about me. Haha. And it kinda really ruined our friendship for the year a half after that. I hated seeing him around. I thought he was super annoying. I would get frustrated any time someone brought him up... You get the point. We weren't friends.

Junior year I tried out for a play shortly after my boyfriend broke up with me. Probably one of the most awful plays I have ever been in, by the way. I was a wreck, like, all the time. I was in the horribly demanding english class. I was in this awful play. And I had been used for a good 3 months prior to all of this and had recently found out.

One day, I was sitting on the stage stairs while my teacher gave notes on our recent rehearsal. As I was sitting there, this guy came up to me and sat right on the ground in front of me and just stared. We sat like that for a while before he asked me what was wrong. When I told him nothing, he laughed and called me a liar, but instead of pressing for the truth, he just walked away. 

That was the beginning of this roller coaster of a relationship that's been ongoing for the last 2 years.

He was either a good friend giving me great advice and listening to my pathetic stories, a guy who wanted to make out with me, or someone who just didn't care about me at all. On any given day, I had no idea what he was going to be. 

Then he left. And I can probably count how many times we talked since he left on... both hands.

But we've been talking lately. 

And nothing is weird. Nothing hurts. Nothing feels like... empty. like... wishful thinking. like... "if only.." 

Its just the way it is. 

So we are talking. And he happens to mention that its been almost 2 years since we last saw each other. Which means 2 years since everything happened. 2 years since I cried over him. 2 years since that play and that english class and that exboyfriend. 

2 years is a long time. 

But it passed so quick.

What happened to all of that time? What happened to my senior year of high school? What happened to my first year of college? Where did it all go? 

I think time is interesting. 

Because really, it does heal all wounds. 

2 years ago I was in this really dark place. 

Crying all the time. Hurt by my ex boyfriend that had played me and hurt by a boy that I knew only wanted to use me and then was about to leave. Confused about where I was going in life. Stressed about my classes. Unsure about the church. 

But now look at me. I talk to both those boys on a weekly basis and I absolutely love talking to them and seeing how much we have all grown and changed since then. I view both of them as good friends. I know where I wanna go in life now. I passed all of those classes, even graduated from that school. And I'm totally completely sure about the church now.

Sometimes challenges are the biggest blessing in the end. 

God finds a way to make them work out for your benefit. 

And 2 years from now, the things that hurt now will be just a memory. Because we will be too focused on current life by then. No longer upset about what we are upset about now. 

Isn't that beautiful?

How to lOvE Thursday.

Oh hello there, Thursday. When did you get here?

Well, technically, as I'm writing this... it's Wednesday. Shh. I'm cheating because of lack of time on actual Thursday. But it has the same meaning none the less!

This week has been interesting. End of the semester means a lot of homework. And not just normal homework. Every class seems to want me to write a paper. I may be an English major but that doesn't mean writing papers about philosophy and health is easy. And of course I'm a wonderful procrastinator, so writing essays at 2 in the morning is more common than it should be. So much stress.

But here I am once again finding the good in life.

So here it goes.

Today I love...

-Palates on a Bosu Ball. So much fun.

-My self love speech went so well. Thanks so much Gala Darling, for getting me an A on my speech. :)

-I cleaned my room. This isn't normal. It's the first time in probably a little over a year... If not longer.

-Clean room=space to do yoga!!!! YES!

-I know this is old. But Gosh. This still makes me laugh EVERY TIME.

-My car is fixed. Does this mean I can drive on the freeway for the first time in almost 2 years? Um yeah. :)

-Jokes about British penises.

-"Oh hey. Have you ever fantasized about someone ripping off that vest with their teeth? Cuz I totally wanna do that."

-Rain. I was driving around today after getting my car and the sun was just shining barely and everything was sparkling and it smelled good and it was just a little warm and it was perfect.

-My friends.

-Moving on. 

-Sleep. I don't get enough of this lately.

-And.... 

yeah thats all I can think of. 

:) Have a wonderful Thursday everybody! Don't forget to declare the things you love at the top of your voice!

How to put it away.

Today I put you away. 

I took the things I loved, and shut them in a box. 

The rubber bands. The electric tape x. The bracelets from your work. The necklace. 

I held them. I stared at them. 

And then I put you away. 

I took the things I loved, and shut you in a box. 

How to say hello to my new blog readers!

Hi. My name is Maren. And I'm glad you're reading this.

I'm gradually getting more and more readers. Which is a beautiful, lovely thing. And I want to please people and write something wonderful tonight but unfortunately I am far too busy writing 2 papers and a speech. Oh college life.

So this is my post to say hello to all you new and old readers.

Keep your hands and feet in the blog at all times. I hope you enjoy your ride.

:)

How to pray.

"Yet, in my dreams, I be nearer, my God, to thee."

"I need thee, oh I need thee. Every hour I need thee."

"Lone will be the night if I cannot commune with thee nor find in thee my light." 

"Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side." 

"Who can understand? He, only One." 

"He lives to silence all my fears. He lives to wipe away my tears"

"It is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me." 

"Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask thee to stay close by me forever, and love me, I pray." 

How to lose control for the day.

Today, I missed you. 

I missed the things we used to say to each other. The conversations we used to have. 

I missed the smiles we exchanged. 

I missed the constant companionship. 

I missed the way we touched. 

I missed the way we used to make each other feel. 

I missed you. 

Even with all your sadness and trials. 

It's not so overbearing anymore. I wake up without feeling like I can't go on now. I smile easily. I laugh and joke around. I flirt and I giggle.

Most days, I'm totally fine. Totally perfectly fine. And I think about you and I smile and think that it was such a wonderful experience and it was great while it lasted. 

Today was bittersweet. 

Because I know I'm moving on. I don't have a choice but to move on. 

And that feels great, wonderful, happy. 

But with that there also comes the need to accept that part of me won't ever move on. That's just a part of life that I can't control. And some days, that part of me is going to take control. Like today. And I'm gonna miss you. Just like today. 

"I'd like to tell you that I'm ready for whatever's coming. But to be honest, there's a part of me that loses control."

How to L.o.v.e. Thursday.

You know how sometimes life is hard? 

Like, when your camera that you just spent a lot of money on breaks. Or when your significant other leaves you. Or when school becomes incredibly stressful. Or when things just don't seem to be working out.

During those times, its easy to be angry. 

And not even just angry at the events taking place. But angry at everything. Suddenly the way that guy over there looks at you just pisses you off.

And the more angry you get, the harder life gets. Because really, all your doing is noticing all those things in your life that you don't want there anymore but you can't really do anything about them. 

This week I hate life because...

1. Classes are getting more and more demanding. Or I'm just getting lazier. Either one.

2. The gas at the dentist did NOT make me happy like usual yesterday. Instead I started crying. Like really?Wtf? 

3. My camera broke. I am not okay with that. 

4. I have this awful cold.

5..... 

Okay you get the picture. 

It's really easy to make a list of all the things in your life that aren't going well. And the list just gets longer and longer and longer. 

And I do spend a lot of my time blogging about things like that. Like, he left me. I can't sleep. I don't know who I am anymore.... blah blah blah. 

But today is the day I take out of my life a few moments to write about things I do love about my life this week. Because when I do, the week doesn't look nearly as bad as it did. 

And, lets face it, sometimes I sound incredibly pathetic. I know it. I read my blog, too. And I sound depressed and lonely and just overall pathetic. 

But I want my readers to know (although there may be few) that what I write about is not my life constantly. I do not spend all my time dwelling on these awful things that have happened to me. And really, I do see those bright and beautiful things that God hands me every week even in the midst of hard times. 

So here's my Things I Love Thursday list!

1. The sun is shining the sun is shining the sun is shining!!!!! Sure, it snowed yesterday. But the day before that it was 60! 

2. I got to sleep in practically every day this week. 

3. These nails. I want them so bad.

4. Listening to Regina Spektor. Laughing With is such a beautiful song. 

5. Going to lunch (or dinner, in last nights case) with my friend who is home for her spring break! 

6. Inside jokes. "Be here in ten minutes. Don't forget the wooden horse ;)" "It's Riley, you DICK!"

7. Dayquil. It's keeping me alive this week. 

8. People who read my blog. :) 

9. Watching the horrible acting on The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I don't know why I keep watching it. It's so awful. But the awfulness is addicting. 

10. New makeup. 

11. Writing my speech about Self Love. Ahh I'm so excited. 

12. My self love bible. Gosh. I think I've mentioned that in older posts. But I swear it just gets better!

13. My mom's motivational talks with me. "If I had married one of them, I would have had some weird child instead of you!" haha. Thanks mom. 

14. Tomorrow is pay day. 

15. Thunderstorms. Loud ones. 

So. Lets take the day off from all the negative. 

What do you love today?

How to cut out parts of your life.

"Evaluate your life. Cut out the parts that aren't working." 

How do you cut out people that aren't working? 

Do you say "Oh, I'm sorry but you're kinda a backstabbing bitch and I'm done."? 

Or how about "I think you're wonderful, but I can't take another step forward with you."?

Or maybe "I love you more than anything. But I guess this is it."?

I've evaluated my life. I know what needs to go. But I can't do it. 

How do you tell someone you've loved that you can't be around them anymore? 

How do you tell someone who's friendly to you that you can't take another step in to that friendship with them? 

How do you look at yourself in the mirror and allow the person you see to let go of the most incredible love she has ever experienced?

So I know whats not working. But now what? What do I say?

How to dream again.

When I was little, I knew what I wanted. 

I wanted to be a stereotypical housewife living in suburbia. Beautiful, blond, the perfect mom. I'd be my kids best friend. My husband would come home after long days with a huge paycheck and we'd be so perfectly in love. We'd go on date nights often with our many friends. I'd be the young woman's president at church. When I'd have free time, I'd write. And one day, I'd finish a book and everyone would love it. I'd dedicate it to my beautiful daughters. I'd grow old with my husband next me. Then die peacefully in our sleep of old age. 

Doesn't that sound perfect? 

But I guess that's why they call it a dream. Not real.

Because right now, I'm not beautiful. I'm not blond anymore. I'm not a wife or mom. Everyday the realization that my kids will probably hate me becomes more and more clear to me. A husband who brings home a huge paycheck seems more and more out of the picture. I look in the mirror and realize I could never lead young women to where they need to be. And I read my writing and know that I will never be good enough for someone to love it. 

Life is sad like that. 

It allows you to dream. To decide at a young age what you really want. And then the longer you live, the more life breaks you down so those dreams seem further and further away.

Because I've lived almost 19 years now. And within those years I've had people tell me I am not pretty enough. I am not skinny enough. I've had people love me, and then leave. I've had people read my writing and tell me its not good. And it all happens over and over again. Too the point where the dreams I once had suddenly seem so far out of reach. 

Life does this. 

Why? 

Some would say its because life is hard. Life sucks. 

However, I don't believe that. 

Life does this because it wants you to believe your dreams could never come true.
So that when they do, you'll love them even more than you can possibly imagine. 

How to see the pattern.

You know whats beautiful? 

The Lord works in patterns. 

A swing rises, and then it falls.  A flowers grows, and then it dies. An oven is cold, and then it is warm. It is dark, and then it is light. 

He never falters from this pattern. A swing may be up in the air, but it can't stay there forever. It will fall. 

He uses this pattern in our lives too. We rise, and then we fall. But I think we so often are fallen and can't see ourselves ever rising again. Its like we are stationary for so long, that as soon as we get up in the air, we seem to fall again, and then we think that was our only chance. 

But the Lord works in patterns. 

It may be night. But it can't stay dark forever.

How to get to where you want to be.

I'm hesitant to post. My last post put me at exactly 69. I almost feel like that's a good number to stop at.

Also, I don't have a lot to say. Its like, as the pain lessens, so does my constant need to write. Which feels wonderful really. But also sucks because writing feels so good. 

You ever have those days where you spend the entire day glancing at the clock? And for no apparent reason? That was me today. And it was awful! All I could think about was that I was just a few minutes closer to my weekend ending and it being Monday again. Ew. 

I read this quote a little while ago about how every step we take is leading us to the person we are supposed to be with. And you know, thats all romantic and crap. But I decided to write it in to my Radical Self Love Journal anyway. Because its true. But not even just for leading us to the person we are supposed to be with, but leading us to where we are going to be. 

From the day we took our first steps, we've been walking everywhere. To your room, to your school, to your church, to your friends house, to the store, to the drinking fountain... Everywhere. And every step we take is leading us to where we are supposed to stand. 

So find your place. Walk there. Take every step you need to get there. And then stand still. Don't move. That is who you are. Let no on convince you to start walking to a different location if you don't want to be there. Find where you want to be. And stay. 

That is what we are walking to.

How to practice empathy.

I'm interested in people. 

We often get so hung up on our own problems, our own lives, our own trials, that we forget other people are doing it too. 

The other day, I was walking through Rendezvous in between classes. I was on the 3rd floor and I went to the window and I watched as peopled walked by. It was in that moment that I became curious. No one lives a happy, wonderful life all the time. Every person has at least one thing they can think of as the worst thing they've ever gone through. And wouldn't that be so fascinating to hear about?

So tonight, I searched on google for "the hardest thing I've ever gone though."

I found a good website and began reading all these posts about hard things. Some women talked about miscarrying. Many people talked about someone close to them dying. There was a lot of talk about depression. But one in particular stuck out to me. It was a woman who wasn't allowed custody of her children. She described how it felt not being able to even have contact with them. She didn't explain why, just how it felt. And I realized something about myself. When I meet someone who talks about not being allowed custody of their children, I usually just think they deserve it, and then don't think about it anymore. There must be a reason they don't have custody, and its their own fault. 

But as I read about how this woman was feeling, I realized it didn't matter what she had done. She was in pain. That's all that matters. 

I wish everyone thought like this, all the time. We tend to feel bad for our friends, because we can see their pain usually, but when it comes to strangers, we avoid it. We don't see their side. And if we do see there side, and their side is wrong, then we don't feel bad for them. When we should. Because it doesn't matter what someone has done. It doesn't matter if this woman had been doing drugs for her whole life and thats why she couldn't have her children. All that matters is  how we all feel. 

How to live a year.

It's interesting, isn't it, how much changes in just a year. 

I think we are a community so hung up on numbers. The bigger the number, the bigger the amount. 

You know, like when you were a kid and someone gave you a dollar but then your sibling gives you 2 pennies in exchange for the dollar. Because 2 is bigger than 1. I don't think we ever really grow out of that mind set. We learn amounts and become smarter (hopefully) but I think with other situations, we never grow out of that. 

Time is one of those things. And it's different. Because when we think "It's only been a year since blah blah blah happened" we think about what a little amount of time that is. But if we counted by weeks and say "Oh my gosh its been 20 weeks since that happened," the amount seems huge. Its weird. 

But off of that little subtopic, I've been thinking about last year alot. 

A year ago exactly, I was dating this guy that I like to pretend I never dated. He was... Different, to say the least. It didn't last long. In about 2 weeks it will be a year since we broke up. I was upset for a little while. And then one day, I was walking through the halls of my school and I realized it didn't matter. Because just like I was about to turn that corner to go down a different hallway in the school, I was also turning a corner to go down a different hallway in my life. And just like there will be a few people turning that corner with me, but the bulk of them will be new people, my life is like that. Few people will stay, but really I'm in the middle of this whole new crowd. And as I realized this, I felt relieved. I was turning a corner and I knew there would be someone there. I knew there would always be someone new for me just around the corner. 

And I felt fine. Probably mostly because that guy was ridiculous and I was like, a thousand and one times better off without him. But also because I knew where I was going in life. 

And then this whole ridiculous year happened in between then and now. And I played too much Sims and fell in love and kissed a lot and started college and left my friends and failed a class and got a job and lost love and returned to friends and now here I sit. And I think about a year ago. It feels like it was yesterday. I was thinking about who was going to take me to prom. Concerned about how I was going to pay my school fees. And now those things don't matter. A year happened, and everything's different. 

So where am I going to be this time next year? Sitting on this bed, reading this blog? With friends, laughing? With friends, crying? In a new home? Holding hands with someone new? 

I have no idea. And frankly, that scares the crap out of me. 

But I guess, I'll find out soon enough. Just like this last year passed way too quickly, so will this next. 

Isn't time interesting?

How to get through hard times.

Life is hard. Wanna know why? 

Because sometimes people leave. Sometimes, people tell you that you aren't important. Sometimes, people choose someone else over you. Sometimes, you mess things up. Sometimes, we walk around and see our biggest fears happening all around us. Sometimes, you have to leave someone. Sometimes, people we love die. Sometimes, people you love tell you that you aren't good enough. Sometimes, we are alone. 

So yeah, Life is hard. 

And sometimes, it's hard enough to make us want to go to bed without praying. Sometimes, we are angry. Because, why us? Why are we the ones who have to do this? Why, after all we've done is tried our best,  do we fail? 

Sometimes, Satan is sitting in my room. And when I sit there alone, he talks to me. He whispers to me that I'm at fault for all of it. That I will never be able to have another chance. That I'm not pretty enough for anyone else to ever notice me like he used to. That I'm not a good enough friend to hold on to anyone I want to keep. He sits there every night and repeatedly whispers these things. As I look at old pictures, he reminds me of what I lost. As I talk about old friends, he reminds me that I was the one who ruined it all. As I cry, he reminds me that I will always cry alone.

And it's on these nights that I feel like nothing is ever going to get better. Life is hard. It's my fault that it's hard. And I will never be good enough to make it better. 

But then the sun rises. And I walk to class in the morning. And I hear the birds singing. And I talk to friends. And it still hurts. And life is still hard. That doesn't go away. 

But its in those moments that I realize what I have. 

It's not a lot.

I have these friends that I know love me. And you know whats wonderful about hard times? It weeds out the friends who don't love you. You suddenly see everyone in a much different light. Because the people who love you, are always standing next to you. And even though they might not always know what to say or do, and even though they might not have any idea what exactly you are going through, they still stand right there. And the people who don't love you, they walk away. They try to still laugh and joke with you, but that's not because they love you. It's purely because that's the only part of you they like. And they don't love you enough to even try to help when they see you crying in the hall or in church. They just turn away. 

I have a family that knows they are stuck with me. We don't always get along. In fact, 90% of the time, we just argue. And there are many times that I have wished I didn't have them. But they are surprisingly extremely supportive of me. They don't talk about things with me, but every so often, they make just a small comment... And I know I have them forever. And I'm happy about it.

I have books.

I have a good job. 

I have a life. 

And I always have tomorrow. 

I don't have a lot.

I'm not rich and I'm not extremely smart or athletic and I don't have someone to love right now. 

But I have a few things. 

And its in the middle of these extremely hard times that I can see the things I do have. 

So sometimes, life is hard. 

Sometimes, it is so hard, that I don't have any idea what to do. 

Sometimes, it is so hard that I come home and lay in bed and I don't even know what to say in a prayer. 

But, I pray anyway. Because it's these moments that He shows me what I have.

And although life is hard and sometimes its hard for me to even get out of bed, He still finds a way to bless me. 

And I can't imagine life without those blessing.

How to stop caring.

Why do we care so much? 

In a month, no one is going to remember what shirt I wore today. In a few years, I won't remember what this heart break feels like. In 10 years, I won't remember who came to what party. 

So why does it matter? 

In institute today, we talked about dealing with life's disappointments. He told us of a girl who didn't get elected as her senior class president. She had worked so hard, and her friend had gotten it. She talked to him that day and asked if the pain ever went away. And his answer was that of course it does. In ten years she will probably be married and have children and a college degree and realize that it wasn't nearly as important as she felt like it was at one point. Her response was that she just wanted the pain to leave. She couldn't wait for the pain to go away. 

Well, like college normally goes, we moved on from that subject to a different one that we discussed the rest of the hour. He left us with that story just to ponder it, giving us no solution. No explanations. No ending. 

It drove me crazy. 

All I can think about is that I know how she felt. 

It's like, we know the pain is going to go away. We know that in ten years, it won't matter. We will realize it wasn't nearly as important as we once thought it to be. 

But we want the pain to go away. We can't wait for the day that we don't feel it anymore. 

So for the entire hour, that's all I could think about. Debating how to make the pain go away. Wondering when it will just go away. Trying to decide if I can wait for it to go away. 

Well, I returned to the dentist right after that class to go finish up my cavities (which, btw, they STILL didn't finish).

And I was sitting there, freaking out, wanting to cry because it effing sucks, and suddenly it hit me.
It doesn't matter. 

Pain doesn't matter. 

Because, in a few hours, in a few days, in a few months, in a few years, its gone. And we won't really remember what it felt like.

So who cares if it hurts now? It's gonna go away. We're gonna forget about it. 

Now, this could have been all brought on by the fact that I was incredibly high on that gas stuff. Like, seeing butterflies on the ceiling and crap. It was cool. 

But really, it was a good moment for me. 

Because, suddenly, it stopped hurting as much. 

You know, some days are a lot harder than others. There are times where all I can think about is how bad this sucks. How bad I want to go back to 4 months ago. Just to be happy again. 

There are morning where I honestly cannot drag myself out of bed. I wake up with my heart beating a thousand miles per hour and I just feel sick. Because I miss him. I miss when life was going good. 

But, its going to go away. Just like every other heart break has. 

I'm going to continue to wake up every morning. I'm going to continue living. And eventually it's all gonna work itself out and one day I'm not even going to remember exactly what this feels like. 

So why care now?

In a week, I'm not going to remember exactly what it felt like when they stuck that stupid needle in to my mouth. 

In a month, I'm not going to remember exactly what it felt like to see my friend chose someone else over me. 

In a year, I'm not going to remember exactly what it felt like to hurt like this. 

In ten years, I'm not going to remember the way it felt when he touched me and held me and loved me. 

Because life moves on. 

So why care now?

How to live TODAY.

Sometimes, I spend all day thinking all these beautiful thoughts, and thinking about how I can't wait to write it all out. Then, I sit here and I realize how tired I am and how little time I have. And those wonderful, beautiful, crazy thoughts I have so often, never get shared. Isn't that sad? I think it is. 

Life amazes me. Every. Day. 

Because, think about it, life is new. Every. Day. 

This is the ONLY time you will ever live today. 

As I write this, it's April 3rd, 2011. And this is the only April 3rd, 2011 that I will EVER live. And anyone born after today, will never get to experience it. They only get to hear about it. But I get to live it. 

Not every day is special in the long run. Yesterday, no one I know died. No terrorist attacks happened in America. No presidential election took place. I did not fall in love. I did not fall out of love. I had no "wow, this is the first time I have ever done this" moments. It was just a day. And in a few months, I won't remember it. Most days are like this. We live, but in a few months it's almost like we didn't live that day. Because we don't remember it. Isn't that sad? 

We live so many days waiting. 

We are always waiting to fall in love. We are always waiting to become successful. We are always waiting for the next big thing. We are always waiting for happiness to hit us. For life to start. 

But while we are waiting, we are letting now pass us by. 

And before we know it, April 3rd, 2011 is over. 

We had one chance to get it right, and suddenly our opportunity is gone. 

It's like God is up there and hes like "Look! Here's a brand new day for you!" and we look at it and say "Oh. It's just like yesterday. I'm still not happy." And then we do nothing significant. And when the day is over, God looks at us and is like "Really? I gave you 24 hours to start over, and you did nothing? Fine. Here's another day. Don't mess this one up." And then we repeat the process till finally He is like "Okay okay, here's that promotion you wanted. You can have it if you promise to be happy." And we are for a while. Then we fall back in to the same pattern. Over and over and over again. Until we are old and dying. Wondering where all those days went. 

Wondering why we can only pick out 2 or 3 days of every year of our life that have significant meaning to us. Wondering what happened to the other days of those years. Wondering why you spent so much time waiting and not enough time doing. 

Today is the only April 3rd, 2011 that we will ever experience. It's the only one we have. And YOU get it. Your children will only hear about it. They don't get it. Not like you do. 

So why not live today? Don't let it pass as if it was nothing. It's one of a kind. Why can't we see that?