How to feel... Better.

Is it weird that I LOVE that people have slowed down on reading these? 

Makes me feel less like my every step is being watched. 

I don't have a lot to say today. But I can't stop writing now. This is the longest I've ever gone writing every day. 

I guess here's my thoughts of the day. 

I feel okay. I feel better. Life is moving on. I'm figuring out how to breathe again. I can smile without forcing myself now. Eating only makes me feel sick sometimes. And laughing isn't nearly as hard. 

Life goes on. 

I'm going to continue to miss him. Continue to want to run up and hug him every time I see him. Continue to think about what could have been. Continue to love him. 

Why? Because those are things I can't change. 

What I can change is how I live. I can change how I view the world and the people in it. 

"It's all in the past. Time to move on, Babe."-Gala.

I know it's time to move on. And I can do that. But there are some things that move on with me.

How to be happy.

Love is a funny thing. 

This weekend I dedicated it purely to healing. But it didn't start this way. 

I woke Saturday morning to an empty house. I went to go downstairs and as I got to the stairs I just couldn't move further. All I could think about was how alone I was going to be if I went down there. Alone to sit and stare out that window like I did 3 weeks ago. I didn't want to go down there. I couldn't be alone. 

So I crawled back in to bed. I stayed there for quite a while before realizing that I couldn't waste my day like that. I wanted so bad to go take pictures, to go lay in the grass, to go be happy. But it was cold. As much as I wanted those things, they weren't going to happen. 

So I got on, wrote a blog, and sat in self pity some more. What was I going to do with the rest of my day? I started to google ideas. Like usual. 

And I came across Gala Darling's list of 100 ways you can start loving yourself right now. 

Eye-opener right there. 

I spent hours yesterday reading her stuff. 

When I got to the article about EFT, I was amazed. That's some cool shit. 

Anyway. It really got me thinking about love. Which isn't weird considering how much its on my mind lately. 

But really. The whole thing was about loving yourself. Like, so much. And it kinda got me thinking about why we love other people. Like, romantically. People often say that when they are in a relationship, they are the happiest they have ever been. But why is that? Is it because they are experiencing love? If we all loved ourselves, like so so much, then would being with someone romantically really make us any happier?

Maybe that's whats wrong with so many relationships. We don't love ourselves enough. A relationship isn't just about that romantic "oh I'm so in love and so happy because I finally have you" thing. A relationship should be two people who love themselves, loving each other. Two people agreeing to spend their lives together and to work through hard times together. Two people experiencing the world together. It's not about making the other people feel loved. Its not about making the other person happy. They should already be both of those things. Its about finding someone who loves themselves as much as you love them. Its about finding someone who loves you as much as you love you. Then living together in mutual happiness and love. Growing together in that. 

Love is a funny thing. Some people spend their whole lives looking for it. Trying to find it just so they can be happy. When really, its just in you. All the love you need is in you. All the happiness you need is made by you.

Its just hard to find it sometimes.

How to let go of dreams.

Sometimes I stare at this screen for hours. Just looking. Just trying to decide what to say. I'm wary of saying the wrong thing. I don't want someone to read this and think I'm too dramatic or too sad or too immature or too whatever else. I almost want people to read this and see a side of me they've never seen before. Something they never knew existed.

Sometimes I think about junior year. First few days and I was totally set for life to get better. I was done being sad all the time, summer had been good. There was a new guy in my life. I actually had lines in the musical. I love my English class. Life was going to be good. The day my choir director told me there were going to be Trouveres try outs again, I was almost convinced I'd make it in. I had tried so hard the year before to suck up to him. I had tried so hard to becoming a better singer. So I practiced and practiced and practiced. Then I didn't make it. I went home that night and tried not to be too upset. There was always next year. So I got on my knees and prayed that night. I promised I would read my scriptures every day for the whole school year if he promised I would make Trouveres the next year. And I did. I went through the school year watching my friends enjoy being in trouveres, something I had wanted since the 6th grade. I tried being happy for them, talking myself in to believing that it wasn't a big deal. It honestly wasn't too bad. That year was a hard year though. I fell in love with someone I thought I could trust, but ended up not being able to trust them at all. That took me far too long to get over. It was one of those times in my life that I wasn't sure I'd ever feel happy again. I wasn't sure the pain would ever end. The days dragged on and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I wasn't sure why the Lord would do that to me, why he would make me like this. But I kept my side of the deal. Every night. All year. As the end of the year drew closer and I started to gradually feel better, my friends stated discussing whether or not they were going to try out for trouveres for the next year. I prepared a song. Prayed alot. And read my scriptures for longer and longer every night. The night before try outs, I sat down on my floor and thought about it. I had already signed up for a time. I had the song prepared. I had read every single night. I was ready. But I didn't want it anymore. And I couldn't figure out why I didn't want it anymore. I didn't show up for try outs the next day. I went to choir, stood by the door for a minute, then left. I cried that night because I didn't know why I didn't go. I had put so much time and effort in to it. I had wanted it so bad. Senior year I watched the trouveres perform. I was surprised to find that there were very few occasions that I kinda wanted to be on stage with them. All senior year, I continued to read my scriptures every night. And I still do. I feel like God and I still have a deal going on, although I'm not sure what it is anymore. Anyway, the point of this story is, I know why I didn't do trouveres now. I wouldn't be who I am right now if I had. Sometimes we want things really extremely bad. And we put alot of time and effort in to getting them. We pray alot and almost expect to get it. Then out of no where, we realize thats not what God has in store for us. And it sucks to look back at what you almost had. It's a sad feeling. All you can do is ask why that couldn't be. But then you look around at where you are now and realize all the wonderful things you have and have experienced that you would have if you had gotten that thing. 

So maybe thats what I need to remember now. 

I didn't do trouveres and I was sad. I don't have him and I am sad. 

But life moves on. Maybe theres a better plan.

How to not come up with a good title.

All 6 months, well, 5 and a half ish, felt like a dream. One beautiful dream. At any given moment, I was sure I'd wake up soon. 

Then it ended. And the pain feels more real than anything else I have ever experienced. 

I don't think it should work that way. I think the relationship should have felt real. I should have felt every single moment of it and taken it all in. I should have thanked God every single day of my life because of how blessed I was to have it all. Then when it ended, that should feel like a dream. Just one fleeting moment that I could wake up from at any moment and feel okay again.

How to procrastinate.

Started a philosophy paper that's due tomorrow at about 11. Procrastination just hit a whole new level for me. And then, on top of that, I can't help but post tonight.

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I have nothing to say though. Well, nothing but....

Come back.

How to.......................................................

There are days where I....

There are moments that I.....

There are times when I....

Just can't find the words. 

I think it's about time I find the poem in me. I bet that will feel good.

But then it will just bring me back to the question I seem to ask myself all the time now. 

Where do I start?

Where do I start telling the story from? What feeling do I begin explaining first?

Where do I start?

How to try to wake up.

"I can't stop dreaming about you. I can't stop dreaming about you." "I know, Maren. I know."

Sometimes, waking up is a lot easier than being stuck in a dream that feels too realistic. You know, one of those dreams that you swear is real, the kind that you wake up from and still swear it happened, the kind that you just can't get out of your mind for the rest of the day?

Yeah. Dreaming is hard.