How to be disillusioned.

I'd like to know who was in charge of teaching me when I was young that love is complete bull shit.

"All you need is Love."

"If your a bird, I'm a bird.

"And they lived happily ever after."

I wanna know why I grew up hearing all that, when what I should have been hearing is that none of it is true.

Because here's the simple truth of the matter.

No matter how you met them. No matter how happy they make you. No matter how good they make you feel about yourself. No matter how many times they tell you they love you. No matter how often they swear to never leave you. It always ends.

"You'll find someone."

Oh yeah? Is that so? Please explain to me how you know that first off. And then try to tell me that he won't leave. You can't? Weird. Then please shut the hell up because I hate empty promises.

But isn't that what life is all about, anyway? Empty promises from everything and everyone? 

"It'll all work out for the better." 

Why do people assume that they know that? It doesn't always work out for the better. So why lie to me and make me think that maybe it could. 

You know, I see all these happy couples. Been together for years and years and years. And I suppose when I look at them I should see what love really is. Because I know people will read this and think of their parents or some other significant couple in their life and think "No Maren. My parent's never left each other. Love is real." 

I'm not arguing that love isn't real. I'm arguing that it's shit. 

It never sticks around for forever. At some point it always goes away. Maybe its just for a few days or maybe it leaves forever. I assume that's why some marriages work and others don't. Some times people fall out of love and then find it again later. Other couples never find it again and their relationship ends. 

But the point is, at some point, love hurts us all. 

So why the hell do we keep searching for it everyone? 

Do we really honestly believe that love is going to make us happy? 

I was with him for 6 months. I loved him for 5 of those. Spend a month getting to know each other, then quickly fall in love. Romantic, right? Well hows this for a love story: I spent more hours than I can count on both hands letting him cry in my arms. Not me crying in his arms like gender roles have made us believe is politically correct, but me holding him and being the strong one. I spent hours which have added up to days which have probably added up to a good few weeks with him, abandoning my friends, because I knew he needed me. I spent nights with my friends where all I could do was text him because I was scared of what would happen if I left him alone in the dark. I sacrificed homework some nights just so I could hold him, because I didn't want to leave him alone for a night because I didn't want him to hurt. I took loud toys away from children  and then held them so they would stop crying around him and he could have quiet so his head wouldn't hurt as bad. I loved him till I started to hurt too, because I just wanted to take it away from him. 

And then in the end he told me he blamed me for not staying with him when it was dark. 

I slept maybe 6 hours every night after everything he put me through. I was exhausted. But I never would have taken it back. But then he leaves me because I had to leave him every night for those 6 hours? 

I like to think that the whole relationship was a wonderful love story. And throughout the whole relationship, I would have done anything to keep it that way. It was romantic because of all the time and effort and love put in to keeping us both going. I gave a lot of myself to it. 

But in the end it ended up just like everything else in the world.

Because now I'm tired. And I don't know who I am. And I don't even have the one person who can hold my hand and make me feel alright again. 

Earlier today someone told me that "everyones felt lonliness at least once in their life." 

This isn't simply loneliness that I'm feeling though. Because in all reality, I'm not all that lonely. I have these wonderful friends that keep me busy most every night so that I'm never really alone except for when I go to bed. I mean, yeah I'm lonely in the sense of I miss having someone love me. But that's not a big deal. I've spent a majority of my life being alone in that sense. It's not that hard to revert back to that. 

And really I'm doing better than I thought I would be. Like I said before in an earlier post. It's not so hard anymore. 

I wouldn't call this loneliness. No. And I wouldn't call me a mess either. Because I'm doing fine in both those aspects. 

I'm just disillusioned with everything I grew up believing.