How to watch someone leave.

A year ago almost exactly I watched one of my best friends go through the hardest time of her life thus far. 

They used to be so perfect together. The way he'd talk about her. The way she teased him. The way they laughed together. The way they held each other up. 

There was a time where there wasn't really even a doubt in my mind that they would end up married. Sure, it would be years before that could happen. But oh how wonderful they were together. I've never watched a couple so closely before. 

I knew him better than I knew her. He would tell me everything. We'd stay up on Facebook late at nights and tell each other things that none of our other friends knew about us. He'd tell me about his hardest times and I'd give him advice and then he'd do the same for me in return. I trusted him with all my heart. I'd look at him and see this wonderful guy that would do anything for me. And not at all in a romantic way. Just best friends. 

She was never as open with stuff as he was. She was always just so happy. She would laugh at everything. We had parties at her house weekly. She was definitely a best friend, but not someone I'd go to tell my troubles to. Just someone to go to if you needed a distraction and to laugh. She was so lovely.

Then one day he just didn't like her anymore. 

All of us were confused. But I remember thinking that she would get over it quick. Cuz thats how she is. 

Well he came back, at a little urging from me, and they lasted a few more weeks. 

But he was so different. He's start saying things to me that scared me. Things like "I've done something bad. I can't tell you. You wouldn't understand."
And she became sad. 

Then he started dating one of her close friends. 

Quickly, he admitted to me that he had a problem.

Then he stopped telling me anything at all. 

We sent him constant messages, reminding him that he could fix it. Reminding him that we love him. And he shut us out. 

Besides being crushed myself because I had lost someone so close to me by something so disgusting, I had to watch my friends cope with it. 

We all varied in the ways we handled it. Some of us got really angry. Others tried to ignored it. Then there was me who would sit and stare at his page and wonder what happened. Or try to start a conversation and hope he would open up again. 

Then I also had to watch her go through it. 

Remember when I explained how constantly happy and bubbly she always was? 

That was gone. 

When I would ask how she was doing, there was no "Grrrreat!" reply anymore. She simply answered "I'm alright." 

I'd give her rides home and we'd talk for hours in her driveway. I'd tell her about my past break ups and how I got through them. She'd rant about him. She'd cry. 

She was broken. 

When we'd hang out, she'd quietly curl up and fall asleep most the time. Sometimes when we'd be out in public, she'd break down. And none of us knew what to do. There's only so much you can do. 

I remember trying so hard to help her. All the advice I gave out, all the times I'd hug her. 

I knew she would be okay. I could look at her and just see the potential her life had. She was beautiful and fun, even when she was so heartbroken. I knew it wouldn't be long before she would be happy again.

Now I'm in her position. And all the advice people give me is all the advice I once gave her. 

"You'll find someone else. Someone a thousand times better." 

"Don't think about it. He doesn't deserve you."

"Keep praying. God has a better plan."

And now I see how ridiculous it all sounds. 

What if I don't find someone else? What if there isn't someone better than him and I'm stuck living my life thinking about how great he was?

What if I can't stop thinking about it? What if I don't deserve him?

What if God doesn't have a better plan? What if its just one hard thing to another and praying won't stop that at all?

I look at her now and see her smile again. She still hurts on some level. But shes happy. Shes loud again and answers that her life is going great whenever someone asks. Shes dating new people and moving on with life. 

Everything that I knew would happen for her. 

So why can't I see anything like that happening for me?

And do other people see it happening for me?

I guess I look at her as inspiration. 

The girl that I held up on so many occasions is now one of the only things keeping me going. Funny how that works, isn't it? 

The point of this story is, that sometimes we lose people we love very much.

I miss my best friend who got caught up in pornography. 

And now I miss my best friend who stopped loving me. 

And its sad to watch them go. 

Its sad to watch someone you have loved for so long, walk away. You want them to stay so you can hold on to them and keep them out of trouble or keep them safe. 

You want them to stay so when they make a mistake, you can know and get them back on the right path.

You want them to stay so when they hurt, you can hold them and know they are going to be alright. 

Because when they are gone, all you can do is stare at pictures and pray they will be okay. Pray that they wont ever forget you. 

And hope they know that your still there when they want to come back. Hope they know that you wouldn't even have to think twice about letting them come back in to your life.You'd be there with arms open.

And cry to our Father in Heaven that he will take away the pain and let you sleep at night comfortably again. Ask him to let you find someone new to love like that. Because there's just too much love in each of us to not share it. And there's just too much pain in each of us to not have someone else with you through it.