How to not understand.

You got what you wanted. 

You can be sad now without hurting anyone else. You can cry without making anyone else cry. You can hurt without making anyone want to stop it. 

And I'm sure you're happy about that. You probably don't miss how upset I would get when I would watch you be in pain. I'm sure you feel no regret being sad anymore. 

And some level, I'm happy for you. Because finally you can be okay with yourself. Because I'm not there making you feel bad anymore, even though that was never my intention anyway. But I'm glad you aren't beating yourself up over being sad anymore. Maybe this way you'll figure out how to be happy. 

But on a much bigger level, I'm sad for you. Because you let go of the only person out of the 6 billion people on this earth that loves you. And now you go to school and you're alone. You go to work and you're alone. You go home and you're alone. And you chose that. You looked at the only person in the world who loved you like that, and told her to stop. Told her she wasn't good enough. 

I'm alone now, too. I know that. But I also can face being alone by realizing that it was not my choice. I know if it had been my choice I'd still be holding your hand. I wouldn't be sitting alone at lunch praying someone will talk to me. And that makes me feel better because I know I respect myself more than to let myself be alone. I didn't choose this for myself. You chose it for me. So its not my fault. 

You, on the other hand, chose this. You're the one who didn't respect yourself enough to allow yourself to not be alone. To allow yourself to be happy. 

So now I look at you and I feel sad. 

I'm torn between wanting you to be miserable without me and wanting you to be happy. I'd never want you to be sad. But I don't want you to stop missing me either. 

It's funny really. All those months of "I won't be the one to leave you." "Why would I leave you? I have no where else to go." "I love you." 

Where did those months go? And what changed? 

You got what you wanted. 

You can be sad now without me getting hurt. 

But what I can't see is how that freedom of being able to be sad became more appealing to you than a life with someone you love. 

I can't see why you threw away everything just so you can sit alone and be sad. 

We both know this wasn't about me. 

It's always been about you.