How to see the pattern.

You know whats beautiful? 

The Lord works in patterns. 

A swing rises, and then it falls.  A flowers grows, and then it dies. An oven is cold, and then it is warm. It is dark, and then it is light. 

He never falters from this pattern. A swing may be up in the air, but it can't stay there forever. It will fall. 

He uses this pattern in our lives too. We rise, and then we fall. But I think we so often are fallen and can't see ourselves ever rising again. Its like we are stationary for so long, that as soon as we get up in the air, we seem to fall again, and then we think that was our only chance. 

But the Lord works in patterns. 

It may be night. But it can't stay dark forever.

How to get to where you want to be.

I'm hesitant to post. My last post put me at exactly 69. I almost feel like that's a good number to stop at.

Also, I don't have a lot to say. Its like, as the pain lessens, so does my constant need to write. Which feels wonderful really. But also sucks because writing feels so good. 

You ever have those days where you spend the entire day glancing at the clock? And for no apparent reason? That was me today. And it was awful! All I could think about was that I was just a few minutes closer to my weekend ending and it being Monday again. Ew. 

I read this quote a little while ago about how every step we take is leading us to the person we are supposed to be with. And you know, thats all romantic and crap. But I decided to write it in to my Radical Self Love Journal anyway. Because its true. But not even just for leading us to the person we are supposed to be with, but leading us to where we are going to be. 

From the day we took our first steps, we've been walking everywhere. To your room, to your school, to your church, to your friends house, to the store, to the drinking fountain... Everywhere. And every step we take is leading us to where we are supposed to stand. 

So find your place. Walk there. Take every step you need to get there. And then stand still. Don't move. That is who you are. Let no on convince you to start walking to a different location if you don't want to be there. Find where you want to be. And stay. 

That is what we are walking to.

How to practice empathy.

I'm interested in people. 

We often get so hung up on our own problems, our own lives, our own trials, that we forget other people are doing it too. 

The other day, I was walking through Rendezvous in between classes. I was on the 3rd floor and I went to the window and I watched as peopled walked by. It was in that moment that I became curious. No one lives a happy, wonderful life all the time. Every person has at least one thing they can think of as the worst thing they've ever gone through. And wouldn't that be so fascinating to hear about?

So tonight, I searched on google for "the hardest thing I've ever gone though."

I found a good website and began reading all these posts about hard things. Some women talked about miscarrying. Many people talked about someone close to them dying. There was a lot of talk about depression. But one in particular stuck out to me. It was a woman who wasn't allowed custody of her children. She described how it felt not being able to even have contact with them. She didn't explain why, just how it felt. And I realized something about myself. When I meet someone who talks about not being allowed custody of their children, I usually just think they deserve it, and then don't think about it anymore. There must be a reason they don't have custody, and its their own fault. 

But as I read about how this woman was feeling, I realized it didn't matter what she had done. She was in pain. That's all that matters. 

I wish everyone thought like this, all the time. We tend to feel bad for our friends, because we can see their pain usually, but when it comes to strangers, we avoid it. We don't see their side. And if we do see there side, and their side is wrong, then we don't feel bad for them. When we should. Because it doesn't matter what someone has done. It doesn't matter if this woman had been doing drugs for her whole life and thats why she couldn't have her children. All that matters is  how we all feel. 

How to live a year.

It's interesting, isn't it, how much changes in just a year. 

I think we are a community so hung up on numbers. The bigger the number, the bigger the amount. 

You know, like when you were a kid and someone gave you a dollar but then your sibling gives you 2 pennies in exchange for the dollar. Because 2 is bigger than 1. I don't think we ever really grow out of that mind set. We learn amounts and become smarter (hopefully) but I think with other situations, we never grow out of that. 

Time is one of those things. And it's different. Because when we think "It's only been a year since blah blah blah happened" we think about what a little amount of time that is. But if we counted by weeks and say "Oh my gosh its been 20 weeks since that happened," the amount seems huge. Its weird. 

But off of that little subtopic, I've been thinking about last year alot. 

A year ago exactly, I was dating this guy that I like to pretend I never dated. He was... Different, to say the least. It didn't last long. In about 2 weeks it will be a year since we broke up. I was upset for a little while. And then one day, I was walking through the halls of my school and I realized it didn't matter. Because just like I was about to turn that corner to go down a different hallway in the school, I was also turning a corner to go down a different hallway in my life. And just like there will be a few people turning that corner with me, but the bulk of them will be new people, my life is like that. Few people will stay, but really I'm in the middle of this whole new crowd. And as I realized this, I felt relieved. I was turning a corner and I knew there would be someone there. I knew there would always be someone new for me just around the corner. 

And I felt fine. Probably mostly because that guy was ridiculous and I was like, a thousand and one times better off without him. But also because I knew where I was going in life. 

And then this whole ridiculous year happened in between then and now. And I played too much Sims and fell in love and kissed a lot and started college and left my friends and failed a class and got a job and lost love and returned to friends and now here I sit. And I think about a year ago. It feels like it was yesterday. I was thinking about who was going to take me to prom. Concerned about how I was going to pay my school fees. And now those things don't matter. A year happened, and everything's different. 

So where am I going to be this time next year? Sitting on this bed, reading this blog? With friends, laughing? With friends, crying? In a new home? Holding hands with someone new? 

I have no idea. And frankly, that scares the crap out of me. 

But I guess, I'll find out soon enough. Just like this last year passed way too quickly, so will this next. 

Isn't time interesting?

How to get through hard times.

Life is hard. Wanna know why? 

Because sometimes people leave. Sometimes, people tell you that you aren't important. Sometimes, people choose someone else over you. Sometimes, you mess things up. Sometimes, we walk around and see our biggest fears happening all around us. Sometimes, you have to leave someone. Sometimes, people we love die. Sometimes, people you love tell you that you aren't good enough. Sometimes, we are alone. 

So yeah, Life is hard. 

And sometimes, it's hard enough to make us want to go to bed without praying. Sometimes, we are angry. Because, why us? Why are we the ones who have to do this? Why, after all we've done is tried our best,  do we fail? 

Sometimes, Satan is sitting in my room. And when I sit there alone, he talks to me. He whispers to me that I'm at fault for all of it. That I will never be able to have another chance. That I'm not pretty enough for anyone else to ever notice me like he used to. That I'm not a good enough friend to hold on to anyone I want to keep. He sits there every night and repeatedly whispers these things. As I look at old pictures, he reminds me of what I lost. As I talk about old friends, he reminds me that I was the one who ruined it all. As I cry, he reminds me that I will always cry alone.

And it's on these nights that I feel like nothing is ever going to get better. Life is hard. It's my fault that it's hard. And I will never be good enough to make it better. 

But then the sun rises. And I walk to class in the morning. And I hear the birds singing. And I talk to friends. And it still hurts. And life is still hard. That doesn't go away. 

But its in those moments that I realize what I have. 

It's not a lot.

I have these friends that I know love me. And you know whats wonderful about hard times? It weeds out the friends who don't love you. You suddenly see everyone in a much different light. Because the people who love you, are always standing next to you. And even though they might not always know what to say or do, and even though they might not have any idea what exactly you are going through, they still stand right there. And the people who don't love you, they walk away. They try to still laugh and joke with you, but that's not because they love you. It's purely because that's the only part of you they like. And they don't love you enough to even try to help when they see you crying in the hall or in church. They just turn away. 

I have a family that knows they are stuck with me. We don't always get along. In fact, 90% of the time, we just argue. And there are many times that I have wished I didn't have them. But they are surprisingly extremely supportive of me. They don't talk about things with me, but every so often, they make just a small comment... And I know I have them forever. And I'm happy about it.

I have books.

I have a good job. 

I have a life. 

And I always have tomorrow. 

I don't have a lot.

I'm not rich and I'm not extremely smart or athletic and I don't have someone to love right now. 

But I have a few things. 

And its in the middle of these extremely hard times that I can see the things I do have. 

So sometimes, life is hard. 

Sometimes, it is so hard, that I don't have any idea what to do. 

Sometimes, it is so hard that I come home and lay in bed and I don't even know what to say in a prayer. 

But, I pray anyway. Because it's these moments that He shows me what I have.

And although life is hard and sometimes its hard for me to even get out of bed, He still finds a way to bless me. 

And I can't imagine life without those blessing.

How to stop caring.

Why do we care so much? 

In a month, no one is going to remember what shirt I wore today. In a few years, I won't remember what this heart break feels like. In 10 years, I won't remember who came to what party. 

So why does it matter? 

In institute today, we talked about dealing with life's disappointments. He told us of a girl who didn't get elected as her senior class president. She had worked so hard, and her friend had gotten it. She talked to him that day and asked if the pain ever went away. And his answer was that of course it does. In ten years she will probably be married and have children and a college degree and realize that it wasn't nearly as important as she felt like it was at one point. Her response was that she just wanted the pain to leave. She couldn't wait for the pain to go away. 

Well, like college normally goes, we moved on from that subject to a different one that we discussed the rest of the hour. He left us with that story just to ponder it, giving us no solution. No explanations. No ending. 

It drove me crazy. 

All I can think about is that I know how she felt. 

It's like, we know the pain is going to go away. We know that in ten years, it won't matter. We will realize it wasn't nearly as important as we once thought it to be. 

But we want the pain to go away. We can't wait for the day that we don't feel it anymore. 

So for the entire hour, that's all I could think about. Debating how to make the pain go away. Wondering when it will just go away. Trying to decide if I can wait for it to go away. 

Well, I returned to the dentist right after that class to go finish up my cavities (which, btw, they STILL didn't finish).

And I was sitting there, freaking out, wanting to cry because it effing sucks, and suddenly it hit me.
It doesn't matter. 

Pain doesn't matter. 

Because, in a few hours, in a few days, in a few months, in a few years, its gone. And we won't really remember what it felt like.

So who cares if it hurts now? It's gonna go away. We're gonna forget about it. 

Now, this could have been all brought on by the fact that I was incredibly high on that gas stuff. Like, seeing butterflies on the ceiling and crap. It was cool. 

But really, it was a good moment for me. 

Because, suddenly, it stopped hurting as much. 

You know, some days are a lot harder than others. There are times where all I can think about is how bad this sucks. How bad I want to go back to 4 months ago. Just to be happy again. 

There are morning where I honestly cannot drag myself out of bed. I wake up with my heart beating a thousand miles per hour and I just feel sick. Because I miss him. I miss when life was going good. 

But, its going to go away. Just like every other heart break has. 

I'm going to continue to wake up every morning. I'm going to continue living. And eventually it's all gonna work itself out and one day I'm not even going to remember exactly what this feels like. 

So why care now?

In a week, I'm not going to remember exactly what it felt like when they stuck that stupid needle in to my mouth. 

In a month, I'm not going to remember exactly what it felt like to see my friend chose someone else over me. 

In a year, I'm not going to remember exactly what it felt like to hurt like this. 

In ten years, I'm not going to remember the way it felt when he touched me and held me and loved me. 

Because life moves on. 

So why care now?

How to live TODAY.

Sometimes, I spend all day thinking all these beautiful thoughts, and thinking about how I can't wait to write it all out. Then, I sit here and I realize how tired I am and how little time I have. And those wonderful, beautiful, crazy thoughts I have so often, never get shared. Isn't that sad? I think it is. 

Life amazes me. Every. Day. 

Because, think about it, life is new. Every. Day. 

This is the ONLY time you will ever live today. 

As I write this, it's April 3rd, 2011. And this is the only April 3rd, 2011 that I will EVER live. And anyone born after today, will never get to experience it. They only get to hear about it. But I get to live it. 

Not every day is special in the long run. Yesterday, no one I know died. No terrorist attacks happened in America. No presidential election took place. I did not fall in love. I did not fall out of love. I had no "wow, this is the first time I have ever done this" moments. It was just a day. And in a few months, I won't remember it. Most days are like this. We live, but in a few months it's almost like we didn't live that day. Because we don't remember it. Isn't that sad? 

We live so many days waiting. 

We are always waiting to fall in love. We are always waiting to become successful. We are always waiting for the next big thing. We are always waiting for happiness to hit us. For life to start. 

But while we are waiting, we are letting now pass us by. 

And before we know it, April 3rd, 2011 is over. 

We had one chance to get it right, and suddenly our opportunity is gone. 

It's like God is up there and hes like "Look! Here's a brand new day for you!" and we look at it and say "Oh. It's just like yesterday. I'm still not happy." And then we do nothing significant. And when the day is over, God looks at us and is like "Really? I gave you 24 hours to start over, and you did nothing? Fine. Here's another day. Don't mess this one up." And then we repeat the process till finally He is like "Okay okay, here's that promotion you wanted. You can have it if you promise to be happy." And we are for a while. Then we fall back in to the same pattern. Over and over and over again. Until we are old and dying. Wondering where all those days went. 

Wondering why we can only pick out 2 or 3 days of every year of our life that have significant meaning to us. Wondering what happened to the other days of those years. Wondering why you spent so much time waiting and not enough time doing. 

Today is the only April 3rd, 2011 that we will ever experience. It's the only one we have. And YOU get it. Your children will only hear about it. They don't get it. Not like you do. 

So why not live today? Don't let it pass as if it was nothing. It's one of a kind. Why can't we see that?