How to... dream?

Sometimes I dream of love. 

When I was little I usually would dream that I find out I'm a princess. And this beautiful man comes to save me. He always had dark hair. And was tall, but not too tall. And had this wonderful smile. You know, stereotypical prince. He'd admit that he was so in love with me and I would dream that we would hug (I was young) for hours. At some point, we'd be torn away from each other. But he never gave up on me. He'd do anything to have me. And in the end, he always came back. 

When I grew older the dreams changed a little. I started dreaming of real life situations. Usually, I would dream I was at school. Normally gym class. Why gym? I  have no idea. And there would be that one guy that I had liked for so long. Same guy that was in my dreams when I was young. He would come up to me and tell me he couldn't live without me. I'd be so happy and then we'd hug. And then he would kiss me. Just one small kiss. But then he'd be taken from me. I remember once, I was sitting on the bleachers and then he got pushed down them. And he couldn't get back up to me for some reason that I can't remember now. But he loved me so much, he fought his way to me. And he always made it back. 

When I got in to high school, the dreams changed even more.The "guy of my dreams" from before stopped showing up in them. Instead, it was always the current guy that had my interest. But, they followed my same pattern. He'd be taken away, then figure out how to come back. 

The first time my heart broke, I stopped dreaming about love at all. Instead, I'd wake up crying at 3. Every night. This happened for about a year. Then I met someone new. I continued to not dream about love, however, throughout the whole relationship. I then met someone else a few months later. I didn't date him, but he meant a lot to me as a friend and as a little more. 

The day he left, I started dreaming again. 

I started dreaming he'd come back and tell me he loved me. We'd kiss and hug and then suddenly, he'd have to leave. He would say "I love you, but I can't stay Maren." And he'd go. Some nights, I'd dream he would come back and we'd stay up all through the night talking. And when the sun would rise, he's repeat. "I love you, but I can't stay Maren." I'd cry and beg and he'd hug me and then he'd go. 

Those dreams would come and go, but in all they happened for a while. 

A few weeks after I graduated, I had one dream. In it, I was engaged. I wasn't getting married in the temple, though. Actually, I was getting married in my backyard. It was my wedding day and I went to go meet the groom somewhere. When I saw him, he was gross. Like, comic book man from The Simpsons type of gross. We got back to my house and I was getting ready for the wedding, but I looked out the window and he was standing there and I realized I had made a mistake. I couldn't marry him. I told my mom and we went and sat on the grass and I explained that I just wanted to be married so bad that I hadn't thought about who I was actually marrying. I had to explain to him that I just didn't love him and he was so heart broken. When I woke up, I realized I didn't want that at all. I was horrified to marry the wrong person. I didn't want love unless it was the one. 

The day I met him, I started really dreaming about love again. I would dream that we would spend the whole day just talking. I would dream that he would hold me through the night. I would dream that we were just so in love. I would dream about what our family would be like. And none of those dreams ever felt very out of reach. 

The more the relationship went on, the more these dreams would go on. But sometimes there would be a weird dream. There was a recurring one of me cheating on him. He'd see and we so heartbroken. But I'd apologize and tell him how much I love him. And he'd forgive me. And I'd realize I could never be with anyone else. 

The day he left, the dreams changed once more. There he'd be. Waiting for me. And I'd go up to him and ask him why he left. He'd tell me he didn't know. And that he wanted to come back so bad but he didn't know how. He'd tell me how much he loves me. But he just didn't know how to come back. I would start to cry and he'd hold me. I'd whisper "I can't stop dreaming about you. I can't stop dreaming about you." And he'd whisper "I know." And I'd wake up crying at 3. Every morning. Once again. 

Now I dream like that still. More often then I would like. But the "guy of my dreams" is also back. Its a mix between them. Either way, however, I'm just making stuff up. Because he doesn't love me anymore and isn't going to come back. And the guy doesn't even exist.

But here's the sad thing. These dreams are so out of reach. Love is so out of reach. 

Sometimes I dream about love.

And I don't think I can do this anymore.