How to be so extremely blessed.

4 months later and here we are.

"Thank you for loving me enough to cut me down."

You know, I kinda planned to write this whole "4 months ago at this very moment I was..." thing. But 4 months ago at this very moment, it hadn't happened yet. So that kinda defeats the purpose. That's what I get for choosing to write at 1 in the morning.

Its interesting, really, how our lives change so easily.

You think you've got it all worked out and planned and put in to motion, and then it just takes a whole new path.

When it happened, there was a lot of question in my mind. And a lot of anger. Why me? Why does everyone else get to be happy but me? Why do they get to be married right out of high school and live a perfect life but I don't? Why do I get the ones with serious issues? Why me? Why now? Why did I  have to go through that much just for it to be over? Why me?

Obviously, I don't have all those answers.

But I know a lot more about it now than I did.

I was sitting in the car with my very beautiful friend a little bit ago as I drove her home. And we were talking about all sorts of different things. And she got me thinking, as she so often does. So after a long talk, she gets out of the car and I start driving. And then I start crying. And I realized that 4 months ago exactly from that moment, I was driving home on the same road, crying. But then it was because I didn't know what was gonna happen next. And this time it was because I could see God's hand in my life every step of the way since then.

I won't for even a second pretend that these last 4 months haven't been the hardest months of my life so far. You know, I've been through alot of crap in life. At a very young age, things were alot more difficult than they should have been for me.There has been some really hard times in my life. Alot of nights spent crying instead of sleeping. Alot of moments feeling hopeless instead of hopeful. And yeah, its true that we learn from those things and we get stronger. And I thought I was so much stronger than I was.

I remember thinking that he couldn't hurt me that bad. Because I've done it before. I've been heart broken before. But wow. Nothing can even compare.

There was so many days that I didn't know how I was ever going to feel okay again. And I couldn't figure out why God didn't care enough to let me be happy just once.

Isn't that the most ridiculous sounding thing? Like, really, how could I be so stupid as to think God didn't care?

Really, He just cared more than I could comprehend. He cared enough to cut me down so I could grow in another way and stronger. 

If I had to count the blessings that have come out of this, I wouldn't be able to. There's just too much.

So many things so close and dear to me that I can't imagine being without now that I wouldn't have had any other way.

So yes. Life was extremely difficult. And if told that I would have to do that again, I wouldn't. 

But. I see God's hand in it. 

I see all the places he prepared me for that moment. 

And all the places he held me up while I went through it. 

And all the places he blessed me immensely because of it. 

So here I am 4 months later. And sometimes it still hurts. Usually I just don't think about it. 

But mostly, I've just never felt so blessed in my life. 

So if I start crying randomly, I'm not sad. Just so extremely blessed. :) 

Thank You, for Loving me enough to cut me down.