How to fall in love with sadness.

I'm surrounded by sadness. 

It's as easy to find as air. 

Because I'm breathing it. It over takes everything I do. It runs my brain. It flows through my heart. It keeps me alive. 

Yeah, it's just like air. 

Without, I don't know what I'd do. What would I focus on? What would I breathe? How would I live? 

I've always been like this. 

From day 1 of school, those were the people who came to me. You know the girl crying in the tire at lunch in 3rd grade? Yeah, that's my best friend. The girl who's dad beat her? She called me on average 6 times a day. The girl who drank an entire bottle of nail polish remover in 7th grade? We always talked about books and she claimed I was a best friend. The girl who would make herself so sick with anxiety that she would be gone from school for a month? I told her everything. The boy who tried to jump of a bridge? I was so in love with him. The boy who held a gun up to his head? I cried about him every night for 2 months straight. The girl who cut herself? I think about her daily. The boy who cut, burnt, scarred himself and was scared of the dark? I've never been more in love before. 

That's me. That who I am. 

It's always been me. Those people come to me. They are attracted to me. 

Or maybe they aren't. Maybe it's always been me surrounding myself with people like them. 

Maybe I can't get enough of it. 

For 6 months I lived it every day. And before that, I was around it constantly too. But those 6 months it was every day, every second, and it was different. I was in love with it. 

I loved the way it felt to be in love with him. Everything about it. And in turn, I fell in love with sadness. 

It was in every kiss. 

It was in every hug and night spent on the couch. It was in every minute under the stairs. It was in every 20 minute drive home at night. It was in every touch. Every word. Every heart beat. 

How could I not fall in love with it? 

When he left, sadness didn't leave. But I wanted it to. It was so connected to him. I wanted nothing to do with him. I didn't want to remember how in love I was. But there it was. All that sadness connected to all that love. 

So I stopped surrounding myself with it. 

People who could always come to me for advice stopped coming because all I could even say was "That's life." 

Because that was life to me. Sadness was life. I don't know what else people wanted me to say. "It get's better"? I didn't know that. 

So they left. 

And I was left to sit in sadness and remember him. 

Then the weirdest thing happened. 

I realized I'm not as sad anymore. Sadness left. 

But I need it back. 

I've gotta have it back. 

I'm in love with sadness. 

It's the air I breathe and suddenly I realized I'm sitting alone in a room playing Sims and I'm running out of air. 

My own sadness doesn't do it anymore. 

I need to be around those people. 

It's why I've always fallen in love with those people. Because sadness feels good. 

Without it, where would we be? 

We wouldn't be happy. 

Sadness feels good because then happy can happen. 

I'm quickly running out of sadness which means I'm running out of happiness. And numb doesn't bode well with me. 

So that's my realization. 

That's what is missing. 

I miss having people who need me and cry to me and tell me everything. I need that sadness back. Or I've got nothing.

How to take a break.

I'm going to be so extremely exhausted tomorrow. 

But right now, I've got to write. 

Because the truth is, I don't really feel any better. 

Isn't that the strangest thing? I fixed a few of my issues. I got my friends back. I have this amazing guy who cares about me. I have a good job. It's warm outside. Things are looking up. 

But the truth is, I don't really feel any better. 

There is something so extremely missing. What is it? What am I missing? What am I supposed to be doing? 

I felt so on track before. What happened? What changed? 

I need.... 

"I just need a little time so I can find myself again." 

Thank Motion City Soundtrack. That IS what I need.

How to love Thursday. Finally

"Starting now, I'm starting over."

Well everyone. This is it. 

"This is the first day of my life. Glad I didn't die before I met you." 

Life moves on. And as much as it seems like things are never going to change and things are the way they are... That's not true. Cuz here I am 3 days less than 10 months away from the moment my life changed forever. And I'm not even remotely the same person. 

I've cried and I've laughed and I've loved more than I ever thought possible and I've hurt more than I could possibly describe. 

But life moved on. And thank goodness for that. 

"I hate all the mistakes I make." 

But even though I hate these mistake... Look at where I am now because of them. 

Every bad things works out in the end for the better. 

Every single one. 

:) 

Today I liked alot. 

And right now I'm tired and sick. 

SO my list isn't gonna be great. 

But today I love....

~Today. 6/23/2011. 

~Pottermore. YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

~Stories about Unicorns. 

~Watching season 3 of Boy Meets World. 

~Ghost Whisperer is on Netflix :) 

~Killing people on the Sims. :) mhm. 

~My computer is all better!

~The weather is hot. Like...Take off all your clothes type of hot. 

~My new haircut rocks. 

~Harry Potter 7 part 2 comes out soon!!!! 

~Snow cones. eff yeah. 

~Feeling good. 

:) 

"I like taking time. And I like your mind. And I like when your hand is in my mine."

How to be scared.

My computer lied to me. Said it was an hour earlier than it really is. Which mean, I really shouldn't be writing this right now because I should be sleeping. But yet here I am anyway.

I attempted going back to blonde today. But the idea of it scared me so much that I decided to take it slow and just highlight my way back there. So it looks odd. But I like it.

Things scare me a lot lately.

Like, I'm scared of the dark. And I'm scared of being alone. And I'm scared of weird noises. And I'm scared of love. And I'm scared of sleep. And.... 

You get it. I'm just scared alot now. 

And when I figure out a way to fix it, you know I'll be writing it here in a heart beat. But so far, I've got nothing. 

No words of advice today.
Today, I'm just gonna curl up in a ball and fall asleep scared out of my mind. 

But hey, I'll figure it out. Always do.

How to be good enough.

Maybe you were right all along. 

Maybe I wasn't good enough. 

But here's where you were wrong. 

I tried my damn hardest. Put every part of me in to it. Gave up so many things. Accepted less than I deserved. 

Maybe I wasn't good enough. 

But you were the one who stopped me from trying when I know I could have been. 

So eff that. 

Take a look at me now. 

I wasn't good enough but I sure as hell didn't deserve what happened. 

But guess what. 

I don't look in the mirror anymore and hate what I see. 

I don't lay in bed at night and cry anymore. 

I don't feel like I'm not being taken care of. 

One day I woke up and realized that not eating wasn't healthy. Realized that staring at those rubber bands was just the first step. Realized that I hated everything about me. 

And realized that I couldn't be like that. 

So I wrote and I wrote and I found truth in everything and I fixed me. 

I'm not perfectly healed. 

Sometimes things are alot harder than they seem. 

But wow. Look at me now. 

I know I deserve everything I've ever wanted. 

And I know I'm good enough. 

How to remember pain and then move on.

"I hate not being a part of something... I just stood there, pretending I didn't notice no one was there to see me."

"I've never been in so much darkness." 

"Love is painful."

"I'm sick of perfection." 

"I can't stand not being loved." 

"I don't know how to say goodbye." 

"...How can I let you go?..." 

"Life is complicated, stressful, and confusing."

"Nothing has ever hurt this bad. I wish there was some way to stop this." 

"I can't be here anymore." 

"I think I may have messed up everything." 

"Broken again."

"I wish I could breathe."

"For some reason, I can't figure out who I am anymore." 

"I was blind. I am blind. I will remain blind." 

"Emotionally and physically and mentally drained." 

"I miss the feeling of never having to say goodbye."

"Will they all eventually leave me, too?" 

"Secretly, I feel like something is wrong with me. Like, so seriously wrong." 

"Time is passing too fast and I don't know where I'm going anymore." 

I read through my old journal today. These were the lines that stood out to me. 

When I read them it was like, oh my gosh. I remember that feeling and that feeling and that feeling... 

It was like all of those feelings were brought back to the surface. They were right there... within reaching distance. And for a second I reached out to them and touched them. Felt them all again. Realized how real they were to me. 

Some of these were from a long time ago. More than half are from Freshman and Sophomore year. And then the others are almost all from junior year. I quit writing in it a little over a year ago. 

These emotions were so.... there. There was no, "hu. I don't remember that feeling..." while reading it. It was like, "oh. wow. I forgot how bad that hurt." 

And it was such small issues. Like, I missed the play I had just finished. Or I fought with my family. Or... You know, all of those small things that don't matter any more. 

And theres the kicker. 

They don't matter anymore. 

I reached out and touched these feelings again. 

I remembered and felt them and relived them. 

And then... I moved on. Because it's over. And so many of them I've been over for years. 

See, being over something doesn't mean you can't still feel the pain it brought you. 

Sometime you can still feel it a thousand times over and over. Sometimes it will make you break down and say stupid things that you don't mean. Sometimes it will surround you and take over. 

But it's over. You move on anyway. 

You move on, and sometimes it'll catch up to you and you'll reach out to it and touch it again and feel it. And then you move on again. Because you have no other choice but to move on. 

Don't let pain stop you. 

You are stronger than that. 

A few years from now, that pain will be gone completely and you'll have forgotten all about what caused it. 

For now, you will learn from it and then move on and then learn from it again and then move on again. 

Life will work out. 

If you could look back on your life and see all the times you thought you were going through the hardest time of your life, you'd be amazed and how easily they all worked out to bring you to exactly where you are now. 

So look at your life now like that. 

If I hadn't gone through these last few months, I wouldn't be talking to one of the greatest people I know now. I wouldn't be anywhere near the person I am now. 

And this is who I need to be and where I need to be. 

Everything that happens takes you to where you need to be. Remember that. 

And move on. 

How to love Thursday.

I didn't write a TILT list last week and should have... It's amazing how much it effects how I feel for the whole next week.

Last night, I woke up every 20 minutes from this cold/allergies. I had a fever at about 4 in the morning and I wanted to die. But I got up for work 3 hours later and went on with my day anyway.

I haven't been in the best mood. Honestly, I kinda feel like crap.

My room is a mess and I'm so tired and I wish I could breathe out of my nose.

But here's my realization.

None of that matters.

Because no matter how awful things seem right now, it's going to change.

That's life.

Just when you think things are the way they are, they change on you.

Nothing can stay bad all the time. Life is always changing.

It's funny how as time passes, things we care about soo much seem to matter less to us. And things we didn't care about at all are suddenly everything to us.

Today, I am happy that things change.

How bland of a life would it be to just stay the same always?

I love that tomorrow it may rain or snow or be perfect weather. And then the next day will be completely different.

:)

So here's my list.

Today I love...

~Spending a lot of money on books. How effing awesome.

~Working part time.

~Spending hours talking to this fabulous person.

~Snow cones. (I have a feeling this is gonna be on my list a lot this summer.)

~Frozen Yogurt! its the new big thing. :)

~Tumblr. I would post my link to it, but that's much more private. Doesn't mean I love it any less :)

~Watching a lot of Boy Meets World. I swear, its even better now than it was when I was little!

~Going to see one of my best friends this weekend up at college!! so excited.

So yeah. That's my list. Now I'm going to go take a shower and then lay in bed and hopefully sleep for hours. :)

I hope you all love Today. And if you don't, just wait. One day you will love Today again. Promise.

How to not be here anymore.

I'm having a hard time writing this month. I don't know what it is. I just don't have anything to say. 

I'm gonna hafta think of "themes" to write about every day. That way it'll be more difficult for me to get stuck and have nothing to write about. 

Wow. I'm honestly staring at this page and feeling nothing. 

This is so weird to me. I always have something to write about. Something I care deeply enough about to write about. I'm usually so full of emotion and analysis and everything that it's not difficult to write. It's all there in my mind waiting to happen. 

But I'm not anymore. Well, lately. 

I'm just blank. 

I'm letting life move on and take me with it and feeling barely anything on the way. Which, in turn, means I'm not learning much either. Which, in the end, means I've got nothing to write about. 

So this is it. You're reading my empty words that mean nothing to me. 

I'm not here anymore. 

Let's go find me. 

How to protect children.

Sometimes I look at children and feel very sad for them. 

Isn't that depressing? 

I look at their happy smiling faces and wonder what their lives are going to be like. Wonder who's gonna break their heart first. Wonder how many nights they are going to spend crying. Wonder how they are going to get through it. 

I wanna protect them. So. Much. 

I wanna hold them and tell them that life is going to hurt but I'm gonna be right here always.

I wanna explain to them about depression but explain to them how it can be fought. I wanna explain to them about love and how it's worth it. I wanna hold them and tell them that they are going to be okay. Tell them that if I could protect them, I would in a heart beat. But I can't. So I'll just explain as much as I can first, and then hope they remember what I said when life happens.

Next time you hold a child, hold them a little closer than usual. Look at them and realize that how hard their lives are about to get. And hold them as close as you can for as long as you can. Tell them you love them. 

And write. Write through your hard times so they can google "How to move on" and find yours words years from now. 

People you need your words. 

Those children running around in the playground need your words. 

Give them up. Don't be selfish and keep these words to yourself. Give them up. 

We learn best through our own experiences. But second best is through other peoples experiences. 

Today, share whatever you can. 

Tomorrow, share more. 

Because someone needs you. 

Please don't ever forget that.

How to love today.

I wasn't going to write this. I'm tired and sick and really just need to sleep. But I feel like I need to. 

Today at work I was walking up to the front desk to put some prep instructions in the nurses' boxes. This is normal and not exciting. Like my job usually is. Haha. But I was walking by as one of my co workers went to throw some paper in to the shred box. It landed perfect on the edge of it. Balanced and everything. She pushed it completely in to the box then laughed at herself and said "I shouldn't have pushed it in. I couldn't get it to balance so perfectly like that again even if I tried." 

See, I had this wonderful, amazing, genius teacher once who taught me to analyze everything. And as soon as my co worker said that, I was immediately analyzing it. 

We get things like that in life a lot. Things that balance perfectly for just a moment. Things that we could never get to be so perfect on our own, even if we tried. And we often don't notice them and then push them away before we realize how perfectly balanced and rare they are, if only for just a second. 

I don't know if I have a list of things I love today. It was my birthday yesterday and that was great. I've got a lot of good things going for me right now. Theres alot that I love. 

But I don't have a list. Not today. 

Today I just want you to realize what things in your life are just so perfectly balance right now. And once it falls, you could never get it back like it was before even if you tried. Cuz I can almost promise that things are going to fall apart. The most balanced part of your life right now, may be the same thing that causes your entire world to crumble in a few months or years or days or whatever. Things are going to fall apart. 

But love how it is now. 

Because right now, theres something bigger than you balancing these random parts of your life for you. 

If it falls later, who cares. Just love how it is now. Don't miss out on how perfect it is right now. 

So today, this Thursday that is over in 20 minutes... or whatever day you are reading this, notice those things in your life. Make a mental list of them. See how perfectly, strangely, they are balanced.

And Love it today. Love today.

How to start a new year.

Happy Birthday to meee....

I don't measure a year from January 1st to January 1st. A year for me is June 8th to June 8th. In my opinion, this starts the year off right. During summer. Not in the middle of winter when seasonal depression is just about to kick in. 

I've never felt so different from one birthday to the next as I do with this one. 

People ask "Do you feel any different?" on a birthday all the time. And its usually just a joke. I answer with "Yeah so old now!" when really I feel no different at all. But this year I really do feel completely different. 

Last year on my birthday, I just remember being extremely happy. I had friends write a story for me and give me candy, which was super thoughtful and I loved it. I had other friends buy me some wonderful fish, Finn, Puck, and Will. I had convinced my family to take me to Craigos for dinner. It was just so good. Newly graduated, everything was looking so bright. I had no idea what was about to happen. 

I spent all last summer playing way to much Sims and getting gradually sicker and sicker. I'd wake up and everything would hurt. I felt like I had been working out for hours, when really I had just woken up. I felt sick eating pretty much anything. I spent way too much money on Mountain Dew. I only saw my friends at night and then never get enough sleep. And I was really depressed. I could feel something big about to happen but I really had no idea what was in store for me next or when it would happen. 

One night in July, at about 3 in the morning, I broke down and started praying. I begged that someone would love me. Because everything hurt and I was so lonely. I didn't want to wait. I just wanted to feel like I was going somewhere with my life. 

And 2 weeks later there he was. I started a relationship really having no idea what it required of me. I had no idea what I was getting myself in to. And for a while, it was amazing. 

But I distanced myself from my friends right when I started college. Which was probably when I needed them the most, honestly. Especially with how much baggage and responsibility I had just taken on with entering the relationship. 

I got a job drained me. 

A lot happened. From hours spent under the stairs to nights spent crying to failing classes to falling more and more in love. 

And then it ended and you know what happened after that. This blog happened after that. 

And that was my year. 

I had no idea. 

I was this 18 year old girl who expected great, wonderful things to happen. 

But instead alot of shitty things happened.

And now I'm this 19 year old girl who is completely different. 

But one thing remains constant. I have no idea whats going to happen next. 

Maybe I will spent my summer playing too much Sims and getting really sick again. 

Or maybe I will spend it locked in that little office at work. 

Maybe I will lose more friends. Maybe I will gain more friends. Maybe I will fall in love again. Maybe I will be sitting here engaged by my next birthday. Maybe I will get completely heart broken again. Maybe...

Maybe anything. 

I have this entire year to do... anything.

And I have no idea whats next. 

And sometimes that scares me. 

But mostly, I'm really excited.

How to be so extremely blessed.

4 months later and here we are.

"Thank you for loving me enough to cut me down."

You know, I kinda planned to write this whole "4 months ago at this very moment I was..." thing. But 4 months ago at this very moment, it hadn't happened yet. So that kinda defeats the purpose. That's what I get for choosing to write at 1 in the morning.

Its interesting, really, how our lives change so easily.

You think you've got it all worked out and planned and put in to motion, and then it just takes a whole new path.

When it happened, there was a lot of question in my mind. And a lot of anger. Why me? Why does everyone else get to be happy but me? Why do they get to be married right out of high school and live a perfect life but I don't? Why do I get the ones with serious issues? Why me? Why now? Why did I  have to go through that much just for it to be over? Why me?

Obviously, I don't have all those answers.

But I know a lot more about it now than I did.

I was sitting in the car with my very beautiful friend a little bit ago as I drove her home. And we were talking about all sorts of different things. And she got me thinking, as she so often does. So after a long talk, she gets out of the car and I start driving. And then I start crying. And I realized that 4 months ago exactly from that moment, I was driving home on the same road, crying. But then it was because I didn't know what was gonna happen next. And this time it was because I could see God's hand in my life every step of the way since then.

I won't for even a second pretend that these last 4 months haven't been the hardest months of my life so far. You know, I've been through alot of crap in life. At a very young age, things were alot more difficult than they should have been for me.There has been some really hard times in my life. Alot of nights spent crying instead of sleeping. Alot of moments feeling hopeless instead of hopeful. And yeah, its true that we learn from those things and we get stronger. And I thought I was so much stronger than I was.

I remember thinking that he couldn't hurt me that bad. Because I've done it before. I've been heart broken before. But wow. Nothing can even compare.

There was so many days that I didn't know how I was ever going to feel okay again. And I couldn't figure out why God didn't care enough to let me be happy just once.

Isn't that the most ridiculous sounding thing? Like, really, how could I be so stupid as to think God didn't care?

Really, He just cared more than I could comprehend. He cared enough to cut me down so I could grow in another way and stronger. 

If I had to count the blessings that have come out of this, I wouldn't be able to. There's just too much.

So many things so close and dear to me that I can't imagine being without now that I wouldn't have had any other way.

So yes. Life was extremely difficult. And if told that I would have to do that again, I wouldn't. 

But. I see God's hand in it. 

I see all the places he prepared me for that moment. 

And all the places he held me up while I went through it. 

And all the places he blessed me immensely because of it. 

So here I am 4 months later. And sometimes it still hurts. Usually I just don't think about it. 

But mostly, I've just never felt so blessed in my life. 

So if I start crying randomly, I'm not sad. Just so extremely blessed. :) 

Thank You, for Loving me enough to cut me down.

How to dig a hole.

When I was little, me and my brother used to go outside by these trees in the corner of our yard and dig holes. There was a lot of spiders back there. I don't know why I thought this was so fun. But it was. We would dig and dig and see how far down we could dig. One day, my brother dug a lot while I was gone and he kept bragging and bragging about  how if he stepped in it, it went up to the top of his leg. So I dug and dug and dug and I wanted so badly to beat him. I left for a little while and while I was gone, my other brother thought it would be fun to fill it back up with dirt. When I found out I was really upset about this. I had spent sooooo much time digging this hole and trying so hard to make it perfect... And then it was gone. 

I do that alot. 

I put alot of time and effort in to doing things. And sometimes, in the end, it doesn't really work out. 

Actually, I put alot of myself in things. When I love something, I put as much of me in to it as I can. All this emotion and love and passion... Me. 

Then sometimes people come along and are like "oh hey look, something to ruin." And they fill it with dirt and walk away. Assholes. 

And then I'm standing there. 

Staring at this thing that I worked on for so long and so hard. Staring at where part of me is buried.  Under all that stupid dirt that ruined everything. 

And I just stand there. SO discouraged. 

I mean, where do you start after that? Where do you start after everything you've done has been ruined? 

Especially since you know its just gonna happen again. 

It would be so much easier to just sit on the remains of what you worked on, and cry.

And trust me, I've done that. 

And yeah. Its pretty easy. You don't have to do a whole lot. Just sit there. And cry. And eat after a few days once you start getting sick. And then continue sitting there and crying. 

But really, the truth is, you have to start digging somewhere else eventually too. 

And this time it might take longer. And sometimes you might look back at where you once spent all that time and effort. And sometimes it will suck. 

But you've gotta do it. 

There's something healthy about digging holes.

How to love Thursday.

This voice is stronger. 

This (girl) is grown. 

-The Format

Hello Thursday! Finally. I've been waiting for you all week. 

So let's just say its been one heck of a week. It's been interesting, to say the least. 

I liked alot about it. Like....

~ Memorial Day on Monday was fun. We went dumpster diving for flowers for my grandpa's grave and then I spent the rest of the day with friends watching Scream 4. Which I totally suggest seeing, btw.

~ Late night trips to Walmart are pretty much the best.

~ First bonfire of the year!

~ First Snow Cone of the year! (And it was freaking wonderful!!!!) 

~ My wonderful friends graduated today :) Good Job guys! LOVE YOU SO MUCH. 

~ The weather is supposed to be getting much warmer now. You have noooooooo idea how happy that makes me. 

~ I'm almost caught up at work! Which means.... I shouldn't be full time for much longer!

~ Today was just good. I pretty much liked it. Alot. 

Alright. Well. I don't have much else to say today cuz I'm tired and want to go eat some pizza now. mmm. 

Have a fabulous Thursday! 

See you next week. :)